It dawned on me that I should be setting the mood to these gratitude posts.
1. I am thankful that my teen years were during the 1990’s.
Saved by the Bell, Beverly Hills 90210, Flannel shirts, scruchies…the list goes on.
I began the 1990’s as a fifth grader and closed them out 11 days after I returned from my semester abroad during my junior year in college. So I got to experience a tiny part of elementary school, all my middle school and high school years and most of my college years in this decade.
2. On the way to my daughters gym class, she wanted to sing “Let It Go” so we listened and belted it out. We did, in fact, let it go. That is how the McKim girls roll. Though I admit it started to get old after the fifth time. But I know she will not always be my sweet little girl. There will come a day when she will be too cool to want to sing with me.
3. Pee-peeing in the potty. My daughter hasn’t shown much interest in peeing in the potty. Her teachers at daycare and I decided last week to start putting her in underwear. Tuesday and Thursday were accident free days and Wednesday we only had one (poop) so I am encouraged. I see the light at the end of the tunnel!
And I am sure when she is a teenager, she will love that I shared this in the blog. I will have to remind her that she was so proud and told everyone and anyone.
4. I am thankful for my health. I know it seems like a simple thing but it’s actually a huge thing. I have legs that work, organs that function and I am in a position where there is nothing holding me back from improving myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
5. Fall foliage. The best time to be alive in the Northeast.
It’s a rainy fall day and I usually love rainy days, especially rainy fall days. The dreariness reminds me of when I lived in England. I like the contrast of the brightly covered leaves against the gray sky.
This weather is totally indicitive of my feelings as of late.
The sky represents my losses.
My loss of faith in God.
My loss of faith in the healthcare system.
My loss of identity.
My loss of my future that I planned and the life I was living.
The loss of belonging where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be a wife, not the odd widow in a group of married friends. My daughter wasn’t supposed to be the kid with a dead father in a class full of kids with two living parents.
But underneath the dreariness is some beauty brought on by all the pain.
I appreciate things more. I am less likely to take things for granted.
Every week I like to look back on five things that I am thankful for. Here are this week’s Top 5.
I am thankful I got to celebrate a birthday of a good friend. (I have yet to come up with a good blog name for her yet). She is one of the kindest people I have ever met and I am so lucky to have her in my life.
Happy Birthday!
On Monday one of my best friends and I took the day off and went to the Berkshires for the day. Our first stop was the Lee Outlets where I spent more money than I care to admit and most of it was on my daughter. We had plans to drive to Central Massachusetts to eat lunch at 1761 Old Mill Restaurant but when we punched it into Google maps, we learned it was closed. Neither of us thought to check the website to see if it was open. We both assumed it was open and, well, we all know what happens when you assume. We didn’t let that ruin the day. We had lunch at the Red Lion Inn in Stockbridge, Massachusetts and looked at the shops.
The Red Lion Inn
We also went to the Norman Rockwell Museum and I am thankful that I live in an area that is so rich in culture.
Norman Rockwell Museum 2017
I am thankful for the fact that I live in a time where my phone is a computer and I can play cartoons on demand. What did our parents do when they needed to keep us preoccupied? My daughter asks for my phone so she can watch “Girl and Bear” on Netflix. “Girl and Bear” is actually called “Masha and the Bear.” I never paid attention and I thought it was cute. And then I watched it and I personally think the girl is a little monster. Or a trouble maker at the very least.
I am thankful for one of my college friends. There was some bee/hornet/wasp thing flying around my house today. It’s presence immediately puts me out of my comfort zone. I have a zero tolerance policy for creepy crawly things in my house. I posted about it on Facebook because I like to #overshare. It was suggested I leave it alone but that wasn’t going to happen. If you are a “leave it alone” person, the more power to you. But I am not. I was so scared of this bee/hornet/wasp thing and my college friend commented on my Facebook post that I should spray some hairspray from a distance. When the hairspray dries, it immobilizes their wings. It worked! I saw these same bee/hornet/wasp things outside last week so I called the exterminator to set up an appointment to make sure there isn’t a nest near my house.
Personally, I am perplexed as to why people think it is okay to ask me this question. I know I have been very open about my grief journey. I know that I write flippant messages on my Facebook particularly when there are bugs in my house or that there is snow to be shoveled. But there is something about being bluntly asked about dating that feels a little too personal.
I don’t mind these questions from my closest friends because they are my confidants. Maybe people see how I relate to my closest friends and they assume that since I open about so many things that I am open about my romantic life or lack thereof.
But lately these questions seem to be coming more and more from people that don’t really need to know.
It has only been a little over a year.
I understand that being a widow at my age is unusual. I get that people are curious.
Why can’t people just understand that I am still healing?
Why can’t people just understand that I want to focus on myself and my daughter?
Obviously, relationships can be a very good thing with the right partner. You learn new things, you explore new interests and places, broaden your horizons. The right person can make you become a better person and enrich your life. I still believe that love exists even for the hurting and I sincerely look forward to when I am ready for that. I don’t doubt that it will happen. It will when I am ready for it. Maybe it will be like a Hallmark movie since widows have the most interesting love lives on that channel.
But a relationship involves two people and there they also require a lot of compromise. I know that from being married. I am not ready for that kind of compromise. Especially when any relationship and any compromises that affect it will also affect my daughter. And I want to do what I want to do before I enter a relationship again. I don’t want to answer to anybody yet.
And while I am sitting here talking about relationships, that is assuming that dating would lead to a relationship. Usually one has to date a lot before finding a relationship. I have never been good at dating. I have zero intention of going online or going on dates with random men for the sake of just dating. No desire for awkward coffee dates. No desire to look at profiles.
I get offers to help set up online profiles. I have zero interest in online dating. I personally don’t see any romance in that process.
Plus there is a difference between being open to a relationship should it happen and actually being out there looking for a relationship. I am not looking for a relationship.
I had eight years of an amazing love story with an even more amazing man. I still miss Bryon too much to date. I will date someday, but to start dating again is not something any widow or widower takes lightly. It is a major decision to decide you are ready to let someone into your heart again. I am also I am aware that tomorrow I might meet the perfect man. A man who is understanding of my widow status and the place Bryon has in my heart and that Bryon will always be a part of my life. A perfect man would understand that a widow’s heart can grow to love another man. I am fully resigned that I could meet this guy at any time and I would give that a chance.
But until that time happens, please understand that I can be content just where I am. If I want to talk about whether I am dating or not, I will bring it up.
1. The first thing I am thankful for this week is that I got to celebrate my friends birthday party. I don’t usually use names in this blog so I will refer to her as the Slap Bet Commissioner. She had a lovely birthday party at a bar called Wellington’s in Downtown Albany. I got a baby-sitter, got a chance to catch up with friends and I even enjoyed a vodka club with a splash of cranberry because I am watching my macros. I am thankful that the Slap Bet Commissioner included me in her special day.
2. The second thing I am thankful for was being invited to my friend’s Oktoberfest party. It was a fun afternoon with good food and good company. And I even learned that there is a book genre called the Existential Detective novel or something like that. I also learned about LARPing which is Live Action Role Playing. Do any of you LARP?
3. I already blogged about it but the third thing I am thankful for was our trip to the Springfield Museums because I got to see my cousin, her kids and my uncle. My cousin’s son is 5 months older than my daughter so they get along really well. It makes me happy that our kids are going to grow up together. It gives me the warm and fuzzies.
4. The fourth thing I am thankful for is my gym. I joined an awesome gym recently. I don’t know the actually technical fitness terms to describe the workouts but there are a lot of weights. And the workouts change every day so you never get bored. I can feel my arms and legs getting stronger. Everyday is a challenge but it is worth it.
5. The fifth thing I am thankful for this week is that I am able to watch my daughter at dance class each week. I am in awe of my daughter because she learns things so quickly and I love watching her grow and learn.
Last Sunday my daughter and I drove to Springfield, Massachusetts for a very special outing. My cousin drove out from the Boston area to spend the day with us, along with her two kids (including her 3 month old daughter) and my Uncle. It was our first time meeting her daughter, who my daughter calls “Baby Cousin”.
First we hit the Dr. Seuss Museum. At first I thought that admission was a bit expsensive but the admission is good for all five museums and they are located all together. You can easily hit several museums in one day. After the Dr. Seuss Museum, we had lunch at the cafe on the premises and then we explored the Science Museum, which was kid friendly.
After the Science Museum, we tried to go to the Fine Art Museum but the kids had too much energy and after they kept trying to touch peices of art that had signs asking “do not touch”, we abandoned the mission. I love art museums so maybe when they are older.
I am thankful to be building a closer relationship with my cousin. Even though my family is spread out between Maine, Massachusetts and Florida, I appreciate that members on both sides of my family make an effort to be a part of my daughters life. It is good to know that my cousin and I can meet in the middle and get the kids together. I love knowing that my daughter will have cousins to play with. I appreciate all the time my family makes for her.
I have been keeping a gratitude journal and I decided to do something different in the blog. I decided on Friday to share five things I was thankful for over the past week. Why did I pick the title “Good Vibrations”? That will make sense by the end of the blog post. Trust me.
I am thankful for my daughter. She is amazing and I don’t know how I would have gotten out of bed, especially in the early months if it wasn’t for her. Now I have no choice because she usually comes into my bed and yells “WAKE UP MOMMY!” It is amazing to see her grow and learn every day. She is so independent (“I do myself Mommy”) and she is a little fashionista. I just hope I don’t let her down and that she grows up happy and fulfilled.
I am thankful for Starbucks Nonfat Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I have been counting my macros and even though it uses up a lot of carbs, it is worth it. Because Pumpkin Spice in the Fall is everything. #america #fall
I am thankful for my cat because he is cute and he makes me happy. And I kind of like that he mostly just likes me. It makes me feel special because I am in his world. Or maybe I am only special in his world because I feed him. He really loves me at night because that is when I give him a can of fancy feast. That started out as a treat, but it is turned into every night. Oh well.
Boehner McKim #bestlifepossible
4. I am thankful that I live in this country during this time period. I am thankful that information is so easily available and accessible. I am thankful for running water and plumbing. I take for granted that poop will get flushed away. There might be a lot of bad in the world but I am determined to focus on the positive.
5. And last but certainly not least, I am thankful for my tribe. Because they are awesome as demonstrated on my Facebook timeline. Kimmy Gibbler tagged me in a post with a video of Marky Mark from 1991 and all of our friends liked it and/or commented. I love that my friends are not afraid to get silly.
So I am sharing this here. Just in case anyone needs a Friday morning boost. Because if you do not like this song then…I don’t know. I just can’t fathom why anyone would not like this song.
I feel like I have just come off some sort of grief bender.
I thought I was in a good spot when I was coming up to Bryon’s deathaversary. (My widow blog friend Lisa says it perfectly when she refused to call it an angelversary. She said that even if you sugar coat a turd, it’s still a turd.)
But August 21st came and I was pulled into the strongest period of grief I had felt. Sure, a year had passed but the fog had lifted. So the deathaversary made me relive those memories of Bryon’s death without having to fog to soften the pain.
The grief cycle was further exacerbated by the fact that his birthday was a week later, my birthday two days after that and our daughter’s birthday a month later.
There also was our engagaversary and the excitement of my daughter starting her preschool year and a new year of gymnastics and dance.
I tried hard to stay positive during these events because they are happy occasions. But it’s exhausting. Grief is exhausting, period. Especially raw grief. It takes a lot of effort just to focus on life in front of you and not think about what happened.
For five weeks I have been in this deep form of grief. I haven’t written much in this blog because I didn’t know how to articulate this grief.
September 29 would have been our fifth wedding anniversary. It would have been our first milestone anniversary.
I figured it was my anniversary and I still deserved steak. So I took Kimmy Gibbler out for lunch.
Crab and Lobster Fondue7 oz filet mignon. Side of Red Bliss Mashed Potatoes. Not pictured: Orzo Mac and Cheese and Haricot VertsMolten Chocolate Lava Cake with Vanilla Bean ice cream
The meal still looked pretty good in leftover toddler dinner form.
Now I want to spend the rest of year two focusing on myself and healing. Not just healing from Bryon’s death but healing all of me. I have always suffered from low self esteem and have always hated myself. Bryon used to tell me that it hurt him to listen to me talk about myself the way I did. But it was more important for me to keep hating myself than it was to stop talking about how much I hate myself in front of Bryon.
So it is going to stop. I need to do this for me. For Bryon’s memory. For my daughter. I am her primary influence and I don’t want her to pick this up.
I do think I am off to a good start. I have been surrounding myself with positive people who make me (and each other) feel good. There is no law stating that if you have a negative person in your life that you need to keep those people in your life. If someone tears you apart- set them lose. If you spend more time fuming about something a friend did than having positive experiences, then they may not be a friend after all. Focus on your real friends. There is no room for toxicity in your life.
I am spending the rest of year two focusing on healing, gratitude and positivity.
I am also embarking on some physical goals. I recently joined an amazing new gym. Running was stressing me out so I am on sabbatical but will restart after I lose some weight and become stronger. I also signed up for Macro (macronutrient) coaching. I decided that in order to love myself, I need to take care of myself.
So if you see annoying fitness posts here and on my Instagram and Facebook, I am sorry. Actually I am not sorry. I need to be holding myself accountable.
I also need to do the things that I need to do to be happy. I need to learn new things, try new recipes, be creative, spend time with my friends and family and travel to at least one new place a year.
Running Forward...My Way 