I feel like I have just come off some sort of grief bender.
I thought I was in a good spot when I was coming up to Bryon’s deathaversary. (My widow blog friend Lisa says it perfectly when she refused to call it an angelversary. She said that even if you sugar coat a turd, it’s still a turd.)
But August 21st came and I was pulled into the strongest period of grief I had felt. Sure, a year had passed but the fog had lifted. So the deathaversary made me relive those memories of Bryon’s death without having to fog to soften the pain.
The grief cycle was further exacerbated by the fact that his birthday was a week later, my birthday two days after that and our daughter’s birthday a month later.
There also was our engagaversary and the excitement of my daughter starting her preschool year and a new year of gymnastics and dance.
I tried hard to stay positive during these events because they are happy occasions. But it’s exhausting. Grief is exhausting, period. Especially raw grief. It takes a lot of effort just to focus on life in front of you and not think about what happened.
For five weeks I have been in this deep form of grief. I haven’t written much in this blog because I didn’t know how to articulate this grief.
September 29 would have been our fifth wedding anniversary. It would have been our first milestone anniversary.
I figured it was my anniversary and I still deserved steak. So I took Kimmy Gibbler out for lunch.
The meal still looked pretty good in leftover toddler dinner form.
Now I want to spend the rest of year two focusing on myself and healing. Not just healing from Bryon’s death but healing all of me. I have always suffered from low self esteem and have always hated myself. Bryon used to tell me that it hurt him to listen to me talk about myself the way I did. But it was more important for me to keep hating myself than it was to stop talking about how much I hate myself in front of Bryon.
So it is going to stop. I need to do this for me. For Bryon’s memory. For my daughter. I am her primary influence and I don’t want her to pick this up.
I do think I am off to a good start. I have been surrounding myself with positive people who make me (and each other) feel good. There is no law stating that if you have a negative person in your life that you need to keep those people in your life. If someone tears you apart- set them lose. If you spend more time fuming about something a friend did than having positive experiences, then they may not be a friend after all. Focus on your real friends. There is no room for toxicity in your life.
I am spending the rest of year two focusing on healing, gratitude and positivity.
I am also embarking on some physical goals. I recently joined an amazing new gym. Running was stressing me out so I am on sabbatical but will restart after I lose some weight and become stronger. I also signed up for Macro (macronutrient) coaching. I decided that in order to love myself, I need to take care of myself.
So if you see annoying fitness posts here and on my Instagram and Facebook, I am sorry. Actually I am not sorry. I need to be holding myself accountable.
I also need to do the things that I need to do to be happy. I need to learn new things, try new recipes, be creative, spend time with my friends and family and travel to at least one new place a year.
I need to do this.