Every week I like to take a moment and reflect on one thing that I am grateful for.
This week I would like to show gratitude for my grandparents.
I cherish my memories from my Boston-Irish childhood and my grandparents all played an active roll in my memories.
This week was the anniversary of my paternal grandfather’s death and the anniversary of the maternal grandmother’s death will occur this week and these anniversaries have put me in a reflective mood.
I was lucky enough to know all four of my grandparents.
Each of them was a pivotal link between me and our families past. All four of my grandparents were children of immigrants (3 from Ireland and 1 from Canada) and told me stories about my great-grandparents. I only have a few vague recollections of the only great-grandparent who lived long to meet me.
My grandparents instilled in me a sense of where I come from. From my grandparents, I learned to appreciate corned beef and cabbage and that food just tastes better when you fry it. I learned that punctuality was important and that you don’t leave the door open. I wasn’t born in a barn, after all. I learned the importance of working hard and the meaning of money. I also learned to be honest and was instilled with some good ‘ole Catholic guilt.
I m grateful that I had a chance to know all four grandparents.
I am grateful that three of my grandparents lived long enough to see me as an adult.
I am grateful one of my grandparents lived long enough to see me get married and meet my daughter.
Were you fortunate enough to know your grandparents? Leave a comment. I would love to hear about your grandparents.
I had my Christmas here in Maine which has been shown prominently on my Instragram. (Can you blame me? I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I am going to Instagram that shit)
Then I had Christmas in New York with my New York family.
My New York family is not biologically related to me. But these people were there with me during Bryon’s last hours on this planet. They were with me at the funeral home when I picked out Bryon’s casket, helped write his obituary and made sure that his funeral had an open bar with wristbands.
They have been there for me throughout the darkest of my days and have never asked for anything in return, nor have they thrown it in my face.
And I know these people love my daughter more than most people on this planet.
I feel really awkward calling them “these people.” They are so much more than that, but I don’t feel comfortable using people’s real names in my blog. Usually, I ask people for input on their blog nicknames, but it is almost midnight as I write this and I don’t want to wake them. Especially since I may have woken them up with this hysterical picture of my daughter putting her sweatshirt on backwards.
It was a rough morning. First day back at school after the holidays. My daughter and I laughed for a solid 5 minutes when this was happening and I wanted to share it with her Godmother and eventually the whole internet.
There we go. I will refer to one half of “Those people” as her Godmother and the other half as Mr. Uncle V.
I did use their surname in the blog title, but that was because I am a bit of a word nerd and I enjoy the aesthetics of alliteration.
I am grateful for the time we got to spend in NY with our NY family.
Yes, they have always treated us like family and their extended family has always welcomed us.
Yes, they have a beautiful house and they served lots of amazing food.
Downton Abbey has nothing on them, except Mr. Bates. I may have a bit of a crush on Mr. Bates. I would have been alright if Mr. Bates was walking around.
I also got to observe how homemade pasta was made. It blew my Irish-American mind. And it was delicious too.
I enjoyed a delicious drink called Rum, Rum, Runaway and drank some good wine.
My daughter’s Godmother and Mr. Uncle V are such great people and they are always surrounded by great people. This makes sense since like attracts like. I know they are busy, but they still always find time for people, including my daughter and me.
They are literally two of the smartest people I know.
And some of the most fun people I know as demonstrated by late-night games of Family Feud.
Sometimes I struggle with the whole concept of putting the past behind me and moving into the future. Sometimes I have to “numb out” to the past or else I will never move forward and my mind will go on like it’s binge-watching all the seasons of This is Us only it’s Bryon that’s dead and not Jack Pearson.
It gets complicated when it comes to certain relationships. Some people have left my life willingly. Some were toxic and I had to proactively cut out of my life.
But some people I want to stay though sometimes the forces of life just feel like I am supposed to choose between past and present.
And I am grateful that there are people in my life who want to stay with me for the wild and bumpy ride. People who love me enough that they want to see me thrive. People who loved Bryon and also knew how deep my love was for Bryon, but they also want to see me move forward.
It might be a shocker, but not everyone feels that way.
Like, life dealt me this shitty hand and I am not supposed to grow from the experience.
Being around my friends and their family and friends (now my friends…I think…I hope…) made me realize that I don’t have to give up that piece of my life. I have spent so much time getting reacquainted with my younger self and my present self, but I have to accept that those political years are just as much a part of me as the younger years.
I am grateful I got to spend the Holidays with them. And I am also grateful for the clarity I got about my life from being around them.
You know what means- time for some Good Vibrations Gratitude!
Here are the 5 things I am grateful for this week:
Seeing H-bomb
I don’t really remember life without my cousin H-bomb. My earliest memory of her was in my Nana’s kitchen. I had to have been around my daughter’s age (3 and a half. Can’t forget that half.) My Nana was feeding H-bomb, who was sitting in a high chair. I want to say that the Price is Right was playing on a black and white TV but I could be wrong. If it wasn’t on, it should have been.
Crowley Cousins- Easter 1982- Woburn, MA (H-bomb’s siblings would arrive in 1983 and 1985)
H-bomb has pretty much seen me through all stages of life- hyper kid, awkward middle schooler, high schooler, college kid, singleton, politico, wife, mother, widow and…whatever weird stage I am in now. And she has been my best friend through it all.
September 29, 2012- Albany, NY Photo credit: Heidi Benjamin Photography
Going to the House of Seven Gables
As I said in my last post about my trip to Boston, I finally got to go to the House of Seven Gables. I had wanted to go about 20 years ago but no one wanted to go with me. I was excited that H-bomb and the gang were going.We kept joking that all my dreams from 20 year ago were finally coming true. I don’t know if the spirit of my younger self comes alive more when I am around H-bomb or if I am more in touch with it due to all my self-reflection over the past year and a half.
I am also thankful I am getting this period of time to examine and reflect on my life and choose to live my life more deliberately.
My future son-in-law’s birthday
Okay, I don’t know if this boy will be my son-in-law someday. It started as a joke. This little boy is the son of Bryon’s best friend. He is 5 months older than my daughter and it has always been the joke that they will get married someday.The other day we (my daughter, my future son-in-law, his mom-and one of my besties, her younger son and I) were walking out of daycare. My daughter and my future son-in-law are ahead of us and there is a random lady there.
April 2017
Future son-in-law (to random lady): I am going to marry her. His mom/my bestie, me, and everyone within earshot: Awwwwww! Random lady: Can I come? My daughter: No.
We need to work on being more gracious and tactful.
This past weekend was my future son-in-law’s 4th birthday and we went to his school party at the trampoline place.
On Tuesday night (the night before his actual birthday) we all saw Disney Jr Dance Party at the historic Palace Theater. Ironically I only got pics with my daughter and the birthday boys little brother. Ooops.
Whether the kids end up marrying each other or not, it is an amazing experience to watch them grow up together and see their friendship grow.
Spending time with my friend Gentel/Corks and Forks Event
Last weekend I got to see my friend Gentel (she blogs here). Gentel and her boyfriend were in Albany for the weekend and invited me to attend the Corks and Forks fundraiser to raise awareness for Huntington’s Disease. I didn’t know much about Huntington’s Disease. You can read more about the disease here.It was a great event. And it was great to spend time with Gentel and her boyfriend.
I hope to see them sometime soon.
Everyone in my life
I know this is a broad one but I am thankful for everyone in my life.For everyone who is there for me and my daughter.
For everyone who messages me and checks up on me if they think I am sad.
For everyone who has offered to help me.
For everyone who listens to me. And for everyone that shares their stories with me.
For everyone who encourages me.
For everyone who sends me funny texts and SnapChats.
For everyone who helps me create happy memories.
I think about close friends, new friends, old friends, school friends, work friends, political friends, widow friends, internet friends, Maine friends, New York friends and former friends.
I truly believe that everyone has been in my life for a reason. I am thankful for all the love, light and laughter in my life. I am also choosing to be thankful for all those who have caused pain. Because that pain has helped shape my character and taught me the importance of treating people better.
I am thankful for all those who have played a role in my life.
Last week my daughter and I took a whirlwind trip to the Boston area because my cousin, her husband and her friend were visiting.
If you are a friend of mine, please don’t be offended that I didn’t reach out. I was literally in Massachusetts for 30 hours. Well about 35 hours if you include my time on the Mass Pike…
My cousin: H-Bomb and her husband Tito
H-Bomb’s friend from Florida
H-Bombs friend in Massachusetts and her boyfriend, The Boat Captain
My daughter
and Yours Truly.
***I just want to note that I try to avoid using real names for people so I use nicknames. Sometimes I will write and not have a nickname yet. It does not mean that these people are not important. Everyone is valued and loved. It just means I haven’t thought is a wicked cool nickname yet***
My brother, Danimal the Party Animal also made an appearance. He’s not really a party animal. We just used to work at the grocery store back in Maine when I was in high school and he was in college and the produce guys named him that.
Because…Dannon Danimals.
H-Bomb is a planner but I suggested we re-create this commercial. My daughter can do everything that little boy does in the video. Heck, she can probably do it better. Because she is awesome.
I had a simple plan.
First, find a Bed and Breakfast that would let us shoot some picturesque shots.
My daughter will run away from the water because the North Atlantic is effing freezing this time of year.
Find an old man with a lobster boat. I will bring my daughter’s life jacket. It’s pink not orange but I think we can work with it.
Find a town having a 4th of July concert in the town common. On a Thursday. In April. My daughter can dance.
Picnic baskets and marshmallows and a bonfire on the beach. Who cares about town permits?
Ultimately we decided against recreating the Spirit of Massachusetts video. But we did decide that should we make one, it would include history, the Red Sox, a whole lot of Dunkin Donuts and Tito said that we needed to film one of us standing at an intersection in Boston looking completely dumbfounded.
Because Boston is not known for easy intersections.
I had arrived in Peabody in the afternoon. We just hung out and caught up.
I spent the first 15 years of my life in the Boston area and had never been to Kowloon. I had always seen it whenever I drove on Route 1. I know my Uncle (H-Bomb’s Dad) always checks in there on Facebook when he visits from Florida. But I had never been. Kowloon is north of the city and I grew up all the way out in Billerica. Google maps tells me that they are about a half an hour away from each other and back then, that was the equivalent of being out of state.
I was not disappointed. It reminded me of the old school Boston Chinese restaurants I went to as a kid. But better.
We toasted to friends, cousins and honorary cousins. We all loved how my daughter joined with her fruit punch.
We ordered several dishes to share including the quintessential Boston pu-pu platter
We seem to have a knack for ordering almost just the right amount of food. We all ate till we were stuffed and we didn’t have much left over.
We all drank our Mai Tai’s and read out fortunes. Complete with saying “in bed” after the fortune. Because I am dork like that and I won’t apologize for it.
The server kept bringing cookies so we kept reading them.
We got our group selfie (groupie?) and then we went back to the house that belonged to H-Bombs Massachusetts friend and the Boat Captain.
I read my daughter stories and put her down to bed. And then us adults played games. It was a blast.
Friday morning brought donuts from Kanes. H-Bombs Massachusetts friend bought so many flavors that we cut them up so we could try more than one. The Maple Bacon one was amazing.
We spent most of the day in Salem.
The kids played. Well, Tito, the Boat Captian and my daughter played.
We took turns seeing a psychic and we had lunch at Brodies Seaport.
H-Bombs Massachusetts friend asked me if I knew what a bunghole was and I was like “Yeah…Beavis and Butthead…duh…”
But apparently it actually has a more dignified meaning…
I’ll be damned.
We also got a chance to see the House of Seven Gables which has been a dream of mine for about 20 years. Last trip to Boston my 20 year dream of eating at the Top of the Pru came true. All of 20-year-old Kerry’s dreams are coming true.
We showed up right as a tour was starting.
You can think what you want about the time and date. None of that was going on. I just love patterns and thought that was cool.
We enjoyed the tour and the history lesson. My daughter is only 3 but she was a trooper and very well behaved. Between my trip to Philly the weekend before and being in Salem, I feel blessed for living so close to so much history.
I can’t wait to return to Boston. I also can’t wait to see my cousin again which will be on my birthday trip. I am planning something special for the big 4-0.
Here are the 5 things I am thankful for this week.
1. Being busy
I am writing on my phone while travelling. The WordPress app always messes up my formatting so I apologize for that. I also apologize for the lack of posts and the brevity of them. I had a three day turnaround between Philly and Boston. Well, Boston-ish.
I am thankful for the excitement in my life.
2. Weekend in Philly.
Last weekend I went to Philly with the girls for friend bachelorette party. I am thankful for be a part of it and that my parents watched my daughter so I could be a part of it.
Philly post coming.
3. Boston with my cousins.
My cousin is up from Florida and I took a few days off to spend time with them.
Boston(ish) post coming.
4. Living near history
I love that I live so close to cities with so much history.
5. My bestie!!!
My best friend had her birthday yesterday and I am so thankful to have her in my life.
I am still recovering from my trip to Chicago and Wisconsin and Easter weekend.
This week has been a whirlwind but I am thankful for it because it has been full of engagements with friends. I am so thankful for my friends.
Here are the 5 things I am thankful for
Easter Traditions, new and old
On Saturday, my daughter and I went to our friends house for the second annual Easter egg hunt.
Always a challenge to get them to look at the camera
Fun with SnapChat
After the Easter egg hunt, my daughter and I traveled to my cousins house in Massachusetts where we spent Easter with her branch of the family.
Again, hard to get them to all look at the camera at the same time.
I was also thankful that this was a Happy Easter because last year was not a Happy Easter for me. I am thankful that I am past the raw stages of grief. The good days outnumber the bad. In fact, I don’t really have bad days anymore, just moments that hit me hard. And I will always have those moments and I am okay with that.
Last Easter I was very upset but this Easter I was happy and I am thankful that I can find joy again. I am thankful that I am healing.
A night out with my cousin
While I was visiting my cousin, we had the opportunity to go out.
We went to a local speakeasy called Less Than Greater Than which is located in the back an ice cream shop called New City Microcreamery. We had to wait for seats in the speakeasy so we did have ice cream while we waited and it was the best ice cream I have ever eaten. Legit.
As much as we love our little ones, it was nice to be able to talk to her without getting interrupted.
Living in America
I love living in America because we can all take part in each other’s cultures.
Monday was Dyngus Day and while I am not Polish, my daughter is Polish. I heard that there was a Dyngus Day celebration at The Hill at Muza, a Polish restaurant in the nearby city of Troy and decided to take my daughter. I want her to know her heritage, including her non-Irish heritage. And I heard that Dyngus Day was like Polish St. Patrick’s Day so I was sold.
It was a great party. Good food, good music. A very nice lady gave my daughter a pussy willow to tap her crushes. Then she gave one to me and I was like “Haha…thanks…*awkward laugh*…”
My daughter tapped every man that walked by. They would turn around and then see her smiling at them. I don’t know if she was flirting or if she was trying to set her poor mother up. I mean, she signed me up for tinder after all.
The birthday girl
I have no pictures from this week with my friend who celebrated her birthday. (She doesn’t have a blog name yet). But here is a pic from when we went to the casino after Christmas.
She is one of my absolute favorite people. Her interactions with my daughter are always cracking me up. I have so much fun with her but our friendship is much deeper than fun.
We also spend so much time talking about things like the meaning of life. We read the same books and have deep discussions about them.
I am a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. Well her and Our Favorite Community Helper’s wedding.
I mean, it is 40% his wedding.
Before you freak out, I am kidding.
It is a How I Met Your Mother reference from Season 1 Episode 11. When Ted is insistent that he RSVP’ed with a plus one to Claudia and Stuart’s wedding and Claudia says that he did not RSVP with a plus one.
Lily [about asking to bring a date]: You can always ask Stuart.
Ted: Can I do that?
Lily: Sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it’s 40% his wedding too.
Today I was helping my friend at her wedding dress fitting. I have good fine motor skills but I was having trouble with the buttons because I was shaking. I was getting so emotional seeing her in her wedding dress. There is a 70% chance I will cry at the wedding but it will be tears of joy.
Time with Robin Brillantes
I got to spend time with another friend, who is a Spanish teacher. It was her school break this week so I got to spend a lot of time together.
We went to the mall. We were looking for dresses because we have a few social events this spring. We sat on those massage chairs and I took a very unflattering SnapChat pic. I wrote “Let’s go to the mall…today!” and sent it to our friends.
Two How I Met Your Mother references in one blog post…I am on a roll.
Because it is hard to talk about my friends without references to How I Met Your Mother.
Our Favorite Community Helper snaps back and said I had to refer to our Spanish teacher friend as Robin Sparkles in my blog but it had to be in Spanish. My friend said the closest Spanish work to “sparkles” was “brillantes” so she is officially Robin Brillantes.
Robin Brillantes also came out to my daughters dance class, had dinner at Chipotle with us and then three of us got mani/pedi’s. Well, except Robin- she just got a pedicure.
It was my daughters first mani/pedi. She chose bright orange. I felt it was important to let her express herself.
We also saw a guy who looked just like Mike Ehrmantraut on Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. Though #fauxmikeehrmantraut was much chattier and friendlier.
Though now I want some Los Pollos Hermanos even though it doesn’t exist. I used to say that to Bryon when we watched Breaking Bad.
That is what I am thankful for this week. What are you thankful for this week?
And that means it is time for some Good Vibrations Gratitude!
These are the things I am grateful for this week-
Our 70F degree day
A 70F degree day is a rarity in the Northeast in February. But I enjoyed it. It was nice to walk outside without your winter coat and not be cold.
Being a Maine Girl
Because the day after that 70F degree February day, the temperature dropped down to 31F and we got a few inches of snow. But I am from Maine. I drive a Suburu Forrester and I wear LL Bean coat and LL Bean boots. I can handle it.
But I also take comfort in knowing the winter days are numbered. Spring will be here soon.
The snow did not ruin my cats plans. He did what he does every day. Living his best life possible.
Family dinners.
I cherish the meals shared with my closest friends. Friends who are so close that we refer to each other as family. I also learned about a new wine and it was approved by Carter, the wine connoisseur.
Chinese Food for lunch.
It’s a favorite of mine. Usually I would get sweet and sour chicken but lately I have been into pork lo mein. This might become my Friday treat.
This moment.
I am in trouble. But this moment is precious and it will stay with me forever.
It was funny because when I was putting her to bed that night, I was alarmed that her neck was pink. Then I remembered that she put A LOT of blush on her neck.
If there is an upside to my grandmother’s funeral, it is that I got to spend time with my brother and my cousins.
Facebook reminded me (through “On This Day”) that my cousins and I also did this back in 2007 when our grandfather passed. We all crammed into my brothers car and he drove us around the city. Always a fun time.
And we learned that even in our 20’s, we were still mesmerized by the magic of a slinky descending down the stairs.
Our grandmother died eleven years after our grandfather passed, almost to the day.
The night after the wake, my cousins, my cousin’s best friend who lives outside of Boston, her boyfriend (also local) and I went out for some Boston Chinese at the Peppercorn House in Woburn. (Woburn is ten miles outside of Boston and it is where my family is from). It was amazing and I highly recommend it. The food did not disappoint. My parents went a few nights later and they enjoyed it as well.
And now I have two honorary cousins!
(And my parents graciously watched my daughter at night on this trip so I was able to have a break and spend time with my cousins. Thanks Mom and Dad!)
We toasted.
We ate. I got over my fear of edamame.
We read our fortunes and I made everyone say “…in bed” after their fortune.
Because I am that person. And I am not sorry.
After Chinese food, we went to an Irish bar called Waxy O’Connors. It was loud and there lots of people wearing Patriots shirts. I was right at home.
I am going to leave this next photo without an explanation.
The following day, after the funeral and the luncheon were over, my cousins and I were trying to decide where to go that evening.
I suggested that we just go to into the city. We did have the challenge of doing something predominately indoors since it was February and my cousins live in Florida. And we were joking that my cousins husband was delicate because he is a Florida native.
We ultimately decided to go to the Pru and see Eataly and have a few drinks at the Top of the Hub. That way we could walk around and still be inside.
My cousins, my brother and I took two ubers from Woburn to Alewife Station which is the beginning of the Red Line. ($35 on the way in, $25 return if you were curious.)
We got our Dunkins. I bet you can guess which drink this Northern Girl got and which drinks her Florida cousins got.
We had to change trains at Park Street and my cousin got this picture without us noticing. She is sneaky like that. #ruleofthirds
We walked around the shops at the Pru. The strap on my purse broke and I looked for one but decided I didn’t want to spend the money. My cousins were able to fix the strap.
We walked around Eataly. It was busy and crowded so we didn’t eat there. I would like to go back at a less busy time.
But I did take this picture of cheese.
All the restaurants had waits. We decided that we didn’t want to spent an hour of one night in Boston waiting to eat at the Cheesecake Factory but luckily we found a little pizza stand and had pizza for dinner.
We then made our way to the Top of the Hub.
We had actually been here once before in 2012. We were all in town for my grandmother’s 90th birthday.
But I had never been there at nighttime. And I remember when I was 18 years old deciding that it was going to be a life goal of mine to go to the Top of the Hub at night.
Life goal accomplished. It just took my 21 years to do it.
We decided to head to another bar from our trip in 2012. Another cousin, who couldn’t come out with us, introduced us to The 21st Amendment which is near the Common.
The temperature was in the single digits and my cousins live in Florida and my cousin’s husband is the Florida Native so we knew we didn’t want to be walking outside much. Luckily my brother is a human GPS and he was able to ascertain which subway stop was the closest.
The trains stop running in Boston at 1 am so we left around midnight.
My brother acting goofy in the Common.
I am fairly well traveled and Boston is my favorite city.
I can’t wait to be there again.
Maybe as soon as April…
And I hope my cousin doesn’t mind that took some of her pictures off of her Facebook. I love you Cuz!!
Edit: My cousin granted permission to use photos. Love you Cuz! Thank you. #crowleysondunkin
And we forgot to take a Subway Selfie so I am going to put this one from 2012. Also taken from your Facebook…
If you have been reading my blog and have playing at home, you may realize that I have attended 3 funerals within a 30 day period.
I have heard that 2018 is a year of rebirth and in order to have rebirth, there must be death.
But this, along with the fact that almost daily, it seems like someone on my Facebook newsfeed will lose someone they love, it all does seem excessive.
I managed to go 15 months after Bryon’s death with no funerals. This span of time did not seem unusual. My friends still seem to be in the feel-good era of engagements, weddings, new houses and babies. Funerals are much less common.
First my friend Andy died and I traveled to Maine to say good-bye and to show support to his wife, who is a dear friend of mine.
Then one of my best friends fathers passed away unexpectedly and I attended his funeral to show support to my friend.
Around the time of my best friends fathers death, I got the news that my grandmother who had been recently ill, made a turn for the worse. I decided I wanted to see her but I was going to wait until my parents were able to make the trip from Maine to Boston (really the town of Woburn, which is what I call “Boston-ish”). I wanted to say good-bye but I wasn’t sure if I could handle being around a dying person after seeing Bryon die. I am sure I would have been fine but I wanted my parents to be there just in case. Plus, I would have my daughter and it would be easier to have my parents around (though I am sure my aunts and uncles would have helped watch her).
I never got to say good-bye to my grandmother.
She died the day before I was to make the trip.
I felt guilt but I know that it meant I wasn’t meant to be there, for whatever reason.
My grandmother’s death isn’t completely unsurprising. She was 95. We were lucky to have her for as long as we did. But the illness that led to her demise was brief.
Like any death, the world stops for everyone close to the deceased. My family, who lives in the Northeast and in Florida, made our arrangements to get to Boston.
My Nana’s wake was at the funeral home where all the Irish in South Woburn go to. (Though ironically my grandmother was not Irish. She was a French-Canadian who married into an Irish family). I have often made jokes that I grew up at this funeral home. This is the place where I have said good-bye to all four of my grand-parents, two uncles, a whole bunch of great-aunts and great-uncles as well as relatives of those married into our family.
We did everything that a good Boston Irish-Catholic (or partially Boston Irish-Catholic family) does.
We comforted one another.
We shared stories.
We took comfort in those who stopped by to pay their respects.
We lamented that it was a shame we only see each other at funerals. (We need to change that!)
My cousins 8-year-old daughter entertained (and wore out) my three-year-old daughter. They were the reminder that while it’s sad to say good-bye to those who leave us, we also get to embrace the newer younger family members.
We saw many distant family members who remarked that it felt like yesterday that I was my daughter’s age.
My cousins and I spent time together and went out for Boston Chinese food and drinks (which will be it’s own post).
My grandmother’s death was different than my other three grandparents death because she is the last. The last grandparent and really my last connection to the town of Woburn. All of my relatives have spread out. I spent so much time in this town. In some ways, this town felt more like my hometown than my actual hometown of Billerica, MA.
It is truly the end of an era.
My daughter seemed to take her great-grandmother’s death well. She understood that Nana was in Heaven with Daddy. That didn’t surprise me as her father died when she was so young. I recently read Ariana Huffington’s book “On Becoming Fearless” which had a chapter about fearing death. She brings up Rory Kennedy, whose father Bobby Kennedy was assassinated while she was in utero. She said that Rory Kennedy has stated that she has always known death due to the absence of her father. Since Bryon died one month before our daughter’s second birthday, she knows what death is. She knows that she doesn’t get to see her father in his earthly form and that means that she completely understands that she will never see Nana in her earthly form again.
On the way to the wake, it dawned on me that Bryon had had a closed casket but my Nana would have an open casket. I told my daughter that she might see Nana and it will look like Nana is sleeping but Nana is really in Heaven with her Daddy and my daughter seemed to accept my explanation.
I know I am probably in the minority in my family. I was actually happy for my grandmother. I think of all of the people I have said good-bye to during my 39 years and I can’t imagine how many people she had to say good-bye to in her 95 years. She gets to be reunited and I am sure it was one heck of a reunion party.
I am also hesitant to write this next paragraph because I don’t want my feelings to be misconstrued. I want to be clear that I hope I live long enough to see my daughter grow up and meet my grandchildren and maybe even my great-grandchildren. I hope I live a long life, marry again, travel the world, that I get to help a lot of people and make a difference.
But when my time comes, I know Bryon will be there, kind of like Leo and Kate. But instead of the Titanic, it will be the latest cruise ship. And knowing that I will be reunited with Bryon (as well as everyone I have ever loved) takes away the fear of death. And it will be one heck of a reunion party.
I felt happy for my Nana because she is reunited with my grandfather, her son, her parents, her siblings as well as a lot of relatives and friends. She got her Kate and Leo moment.
I felt emotionally alienated experiencing this loss. Because I did not reach the expected level of sadness as everyone else in my family.
Losing my grandmother was sad but burying my husband in my 30s was much, much harder for me.
I began to wonder if I have become cold and unfeeling or if I just have a different perspective?
My life changed forever 23 months ago. The first five months of those 23, I lived in fear, desperation and in complete survival mode. After that, I experienced grief beginning with raw grief. Raw grief is an exhausting roller coaster. At my grandmother’s funeral, I began to wonder if I have grieved all of the grief out of me.
Because it feels like I have nothing left.
I am all out of grief. Like, take Air Supply’s “All out of Love” and replace “Love” with “Grief” and then completely change the lyrics of the song so they make sense and it is just like that.
I feel like my experience can be compared to cold medicine. Grieving is like the feeling you have when you are on cold medicine. You are unwell (at least emotionally but grief also can take a physical toll on you) and you are in a fog. Then you start to feel better. The worst is over but that fog is replaced with that post-cold medicine feeling where you are still tired, your head feels kind of hollow and you feel what you imagine to be strung out.
While I felt like a horrible person for feeling this way, I came to a very important realization. And maybe it was meant for me to realize this at my grandmother’s funeral, as each other the three funerals has taught me a lesson.
My grandmother’s funeral taught me that I am a survivor. The worst of my grief is over and I am stronger.
And provided that my daughter- and any other children I may have- outlive me, then I have already lived through the worst days of my life. Sure, bad things are still going to happen. But I survived Bryon’s death and that means I can survive anything.
And while I don’t know what my grandmother’s thoughts were on The Righteous Brothers, I know Bryon liked them. And this weekend I heard this song for the first time since Bryon died and it just seemed to fit how I have been feeling lately. So I am going to end on it.
1. The first thing I am thankful for this week is that I got to celebrate my friends birthday party. I don’t usually use names in this blog so I will refer to her as the Slap Bet Commissioner. She had a lovely birthday party at a bar called Wellington’s in Downtown Albany. I got a baby-sitter, got a chance to catch up with friends and I even enjoyed a vodka club with a splash of cranberry because I am watching my macros. I am thankful that the Slap Bet Commissioner included me in her special day.
2. The second thing I am thankful for was being invited to my friend’s Oktoberfest party. It was a fun afternoon with good food and good company. And I even learned that there is a book genre called the Existential Detective novel or something like that. I also learned about LARPing which is Live Action Role Playing. Do any of you LARP?
3. I already blogged about it but the third thing I am thankful for was our trip to the Springfield Museums because I got to see my cousin, her kids and my uncle. My cousin’s son is 5 months older than my daughter so they get along really well. It makes me happy that our kids are going to grow up together. It gives me the warm and fuzzies.
4. The fourth thing I am thankful for is my gym. I joined an awesome gym recently. I don’t know the actually technical fitness terms to describe the workouts but there are a lot of weights. And the workouts change every day so you never get bored. I can feel my arms and legs getting stronger. Everyday is a challenge but it is worth it.
5. The fifth thing I am thankful for this week is that I am able to watch my daughter at dance class each week. I am in awe of my daughter because she learns things so quickly and I love watching her grow and learn.
The other day we (my daughter, my future son-in-law, his mom-and one of my besties, her younger son and I) were walking out of daycare. My daughter and my future son-in-law are ahead of us and there is a random lady there.
For everyone who is there for me and my daughter.
Running Forward...My Way 