This morning I had received some sad news that my friend Drew had passed away.
Back in 2005, I attended my first ever YRNF event. It was a convention in Las Vegas and a sweet guy from Tennessee sat down at our table. That was the start of my friendship with Drew. For five years, he was friendly and always a kind friend.
He was the nicest guy ever and I never once heard anyone say a bad thing about him.
For the non-political types this may not seem like a big deal but it is in the political setting. In the political setting, someone usually hates you for no reason at all. Speaking from my own experience, I can say something polite and diplomatic and I will still be called a bitch.
ButI never once heard anyone say anything bad about Drew.
Even Bryon, who could be cynical at times, loved Drew and thought he was nicest guy ever.
He was special.
The news hit all my old friends from this era of my life and we were messaging each other. It’s funny how death gives us that gift. It made us all take a moment to reach out to each other and comfort each other.
My cousin and her husband are going to be relocating to Drew’s city and I told them I’d visit when all this craziness is over (i.e. Janet Mills takes Maine out of “time-out”). In addition to being excited about seeing family, I figured that while in town, that I would catch up with Drew.
And then James Taylor starts playing in my head “I always thought that I’d see you again.”
It’s hard to make sense as to why people die young, especially people who are so special. I’m still struggling with the whole “God is good” and “God has a plan” thing. I still maintain if that was true, then God is a shitty-ass planner. But in some ways, it makes sense. I do feel like we all have things we need to learn in our lives. The special people, like Drew and Bryon have less to learn and accomplish it early while some of us seem to make the same mistakes over and over again, myself included. At the rate I am going, I will live to be 120.
Eh, some things will never make sense. I will never understand what God is thinking.
Drew, you will be missed. Thank you for always being a friendly face in a sometimes hostile environment (i.e political meetings). Heaven is an even better place now.
I had my Christmas here in Maine which has been shown prominently on my Instragram. (Can you blame me? I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I am going to Instagram that shit)
Then I had Christmas in New York with my New York family.
My New York family is not biologically related to me. But these people were there with me during Bryon’s last hours on this planet. They were with me at the funeral home when I picked out Bryon’s casket, helped write his obituary and made sure that his funeral had an open bar with wristbands.
They have been there for me throughout the darkest of my days and have never asked for anything in return, nor have they thrown it in my face.
And I know these people love my daughter more than most people on this planet.
I feel really awkward calling them “these people.” They are so much more than that, but I don’t feel comfortable using people’s real names in my blog. Usually, I ask people for input on their blog nicknames, but it is almost midnight as I write this and I don’t want to wake them. Especially since I may have woken them up with this hysterical picture of my daughter putting her sweatshirt on backwards.
It was a rough morning. First day back at school after the holidays. My daughter and I laughed for a solid 5 minutes when this was happening and I wanted to share it with her Godmother and eventually the whole internet.
There we go. I will refer to one half of “Those people” as her Godmother and the other half as Mr. Uncle V.
I did use their surname in the blog title, but that was because I am a bit of a word nerd and I enjoy the aesthetics of alliteration.
I am grateful for the time we got to spend in NY with our NY family.
Yes, they have always treated us like family and their extended family has always welcomed us.
Yes, they have a beautiful house and they served lots of amazing food.
Downton Abbey has nothing on them, except Mr. Bates. I may have a bit of a crush on Mr. Bates. I would have been alright if Mr. Bates was walking around.
I also got to observe how homemade pasta was made. It blew my Irish-American mind. And it was delicious too.
I enjoyed a delicious drink called Rum, Rum, Runaway and drank some good wine.
My daughter’s Godmother and Mr. Uncle V are such great people and they are always surrounded by great people. This makes sense since like attracts like. I know they are busy, but they still always find time for people, including my daughter and me.
They are literally two of the smartest people I know.
And some of the most fun people I know as demonstrated by late-night games of Family Feud.
Sometimes I struggle with the whole concept of putting the past behind me and moving into the future. Sometimes I have to “numb out” to the past or else I will never move forward and my mind will go on like it’s binge-watching all the seasons of This is Us only it’s Bryon that’s dead and not Jack Pearson.
It gets complicated when it comes to certain relationships. Some people have left my life willingly. Some were toxic and I had to proactively cut out of my life.
But some people I want to stay though sometimes the forces of life just feel like I am supposed to choose between past and present.
And I am grateful that there are people in my life who want to stay with me for the wild and bumpy ride. People who love me enough that they want to see me thrive. People who loved Bryon and also knew how deep my love was for Bryon, but they also want to see me move forward.
It might be a shocker, but not everyone feels that way.
Like, life dealt me this shitty hand and I am not supposed to grow from the experience.
Being around my friends and their family and friends (now my friends…I think…I hope…) made me realize that I don’t have to give up that piece of my life. I have spent so much time getting reacquainted with my younger self and my present self, but I have to accept that those political years are just as much a part of me as the younger years.
I am grateful I got to spend the Holidays with them. And I am also grateful for the clarity I got about my life from being around them.
I hope you all can forgive me for being brief today. I am writing this on the fly- between work and the festivities going on. So I apologize for the brevity but please know that it comes from my heart just the same.
I just wanted to take a moment for thanking you for being there.
This post got started in my head because I have been feeling sappy lately and I got a special Christmas ornament in the mail from an old friend. Isn’t it amazing?
To thank everyone who has been a friend whether it means you are one of closest friends or an acquaintance.
I am grateful for my old friends, whether they are childhood friends, family friends, high school friends, college friends, political friends (those do exist!), running buddies, old roommates and neighbors, church friends and friends. Thank you for always being there for me.
I am grateful for all my new friends. You teach me that you can make new friends at any age. A lot of my new friends are friends I made because of my daughter. You know, parents of her friends in all her activities. I am glad my daughter chose friends with cool parents.
I also appreciate the friends I have not met yet.
I am grateful for internet friends. Special shoutout to my widow tribe, Sept 2012 brides and to everyone who takes the time to read this blog. I hope someday to meet all of you. Well, most of you. I don’t want to meet anyone who is creepy that might be reading this. Sorry.
I am grateful for the friends who may not be in my inner circle. I am grateful for acquaintances who take the time to smile. You make my day. I am grateful for awkwardly placed friends in the “more than an acquaintance but maybe not a friend.” Even if we don’t know each other well and aren’t a big part in each others lives, your kindness does matter.
I am even grateful for former friends. Not all our times were bad and you sure taught me some tough lessons. Maybe our paths will intertwine someday though some of you- probably not. And that is okay. I wish you the best in your life.
I am grateful for all of you, whether we talk daily or only catch up with years in between, whether we spend time in person or catch up on social media.
Even though I have embraced the loneliness of being a widow, having people who share their joy with me and my daughter does make life sweeter. I can only hope that I am able to bring you some joy as well.
I have only had one serious relationship before I was with Bryon. I have referred to him as the Anti-Bryon because he is pretty much the opposite of Bryon.
Like, a complete 180. I had often said that Bryon was the over correction of this relationship.
Whether Bryon was an over correction or not, he was the right guy for me. The Anti-Bryon was intimidated by my strong personality, Bryon wasn’t fazed. He had an equally strong, if not stronger personality.
Anti-Bryon does have an actual name but I do feel the need to protect his privacy though I highly doubt that he reads this blog.
The last time I spoke to him was during an AOL Instant Messenger Conversation while I was campaigning for George W Bush in 2004. The conversation was just like our relationship- one sided. I ended that conversation thinking that if he and I were going to be friends, he could put in some effort.
And we haven’t spoken since.
The Anti-Bryon and I started dating at the end of Fall semester our senior year of college. Our relationship was not exciting and never progressed. Not even physically.
After two and a half years, I wanted that “je ne sais quoi” that was missing.
And I wanted a boyfriend who wanted to have sex with me. Or at least kissed open mouthed.
This might be TMI but this is my blog. If you don’t like it- don’t read it.
One night, two and a half years into our relationship, I had had enough. We were getting ready for bed and
I confronted the Anti-Bryon. Anti-Bryon wasn’t particularly religious but he said that the thought of having sex with me made him sick to his stomach.
We went to bed. To go to sleep. Just to be clear.
I regret not kicking him out but my self esteem was lacking during my early 20s.
The next day, he did his thing and I had a rare day off so I drove two hours to Boston to do some shopping and to see my Grandma.
As I drove down to Boston in my 1998 Saturn that did not have a tape deck or a CD player, I flipped through the radio stations and I kept hearing “All or Nothing” by O-Town.
It may have just been a coincidence since the song was popular at that time.
I went to the shops in Downtown Crossing despite the fact there were plenty of malls in suburbia. I wanted the distraction of being “in the city”.
And in each store, O-Town was playing.
At that stage of my life, I never thought much about the esoteric but it was clear that the Universe was trying to tell me something.
Usually when I ask for a sign, I get some sort of riddle in return. Or ignored completely. But this was one of the few times in my life that Universe, or God or whoever the *bleep* is in charge (Charles, maybe?) has sent me a clear sign that’s it’s oooooover, ooooooover.
We weren’t in love. We were just friends. And this is how it ends.
After I visited my Grandma that afternoon, I drove back to Maine and broke up with the Anti-Bryon. He wasn’t heartbroken.
And neither was I, though I felt that he led me on. He had the best of me but he didn’t want the rest of me. He got a good deal but he had no intention of having a future with me. But I never took the initiative to question his intentions or lack thereof.
So why am I thinking about the Anti-Bryon?
I have zero attachment to him. I hope he is well and happy. I hope he is living his best life possible.
I seldom think about those years and when I do, all I remember is boredom. I don’t remember the Anti-Bryon as being particularly funny. The only funny thing I remember was this one time we went to the Portland Museum of Art (free admission with a student ID from the University of Southern Maine) and he came up behind and whispered “I see naked people…”
Like that kid on Sixth Sense. You know…the one who saw dead people.
That is the only funny thing I remember about the Anti-Bryon. But maybe he was funny but I spent 8 years with Bryon who was one of the funniest people I have ever met.
I am thinking about this because O-Town has been stuck in my head.
Except this time the phrase I am pondering is “I’ve had the rest of you now I want the best of you.”
I don’t think anyone has ever had the “best of me”.
I was a very hyper kid. I began to learn at a very young age that I had to dial it back a notch or two or twelve to appease people.
I was shamed for being too loud, too hyper, too dramatic, too talkative.
So I tried my best to scale it down to fit in and to please people.
I kept my light from shining as bright as it could, so I could fit in with others.
Because I was too much for people.
As a parent of a child with a bright light, it pains me to see her get scolded for being her.
It’s why I took her out of her dance class when she kept being in trouble for being too talkative and “overbearing”.
I wasn’t going to pay $65 a month to have my daughters light dimmed, especially when I am sure in the upcoming years, people will try to dim her light and they will probably do it for free. She has plenty of other activities she attends and if she wants to continue to dance, I’ll find another school that’s a better fit.
When I was dating the Anti-Bryon, I tried to fit whatever mold I thought would appease him. Looking back, he never tried to fit my mold. I loved to travel and the one time he went to Boston (the actual city, not just visiting my family in the suburbs) he was pissed at me because he didn’t want to ride on the T (that’s the subway for the non-Bostonians).
Instead of saying that this relationship was a two way street and sometimes he needed to do the things I wanted, I tried harder to please him.
But during all these acts to try to please the Anti-Bryon, I lost my authentic self.
Or I should say, my authentic self became more lost and obscured.
My authentic self had been lost since I was a child.
My authentic self continued to stay lost until I realized all my co-workers, most of whom were a little older than me, were still going out and having fun. Friday nights with the Anti-Bryon consisted of watching America’s Funniest Home Videos or AFV as it had been shortened. AFV circa 2002/2003 didn’t have Bob Saget as a host so watching it felt completely pointless. You can only watch a cat leap in the air or a guy get hit in the nuts so many times before it just isn’t funny anymore.
My coworkers taught me that being an adult was not synonymous with being boring. I remember my coworker MaryBeth (I don’t know what happened to her) told me that she thought there was a more fun version of me inside and maybe if I wasn’t dating the Anti-Bryon that that side of myself could express itself.
MaryBeth saw my authentic self.
She saw something in me that I didn’t see.
I took those words to heart. The day in Boston with O-Town happened shortly thereafter.
This all happened in summer 2003.
So I decided to move home (further up the Maine coast) and I got into politics.
Politics taught me social skills and I felt a little less socially awkward though politics in itself can be socially awkward at times. I met a lot of great people (including my husband) who are still in my life but I also had to weed through a lot of narcissistic toolbags.
I learned what I needed to learn during my political years. I made some friends that I am still friends with today. I got to travel around the country and I have had some cool experiences. It was through politics where the etiquette of fine dining and other formalities became second nature.
But I found it hard to be authentic. I couldn’t take the scheming and games. So I retired. Or at the very least, I went on an indefinite sabbatical.
Bryon came into my life and when I got my political fix by tagging along to his events.
Bryon was good for my authentic self. We spent most of our free time together, engaged in intelligent and witty conversations. We traveled. We ate good food whether it was fine dining or from takeout windows.
He encouraged me not to sell myself short and to grow career-wise. He even made me read Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In.
I definitely grew during our years together.
But I still feel like he never got the best of me.
He got the best version available at that time but it still wasn’t the best of me.
Bryon and I both had strong personalities and I would go along with whatever he wanted sometimes because it was easier.
During those years, it never dawned on me that there was a better version of myself lurking underneath.
I don’t know if it fair to myself to feel guilty for not expressing a side of personality that I didn’t know was there.
Plus we live in a society that does not foster authenticity. We care more about how we appear on social media.
I just remember sitting by his side in the ICU, mustering up strength I didn’t know I had, promising him I would be a better wife.
Coming from a Boston Irish-Catholic family, guilt is one of the few emotions that I learned to express.
I wanted Bryon be proud of me but I never got that confirmation.
After Bryon’s death, I started to question everything. Why did Bryon have to die? What is God so cruel?
I questioned everything I believed or have ever believed. I questioned the meaning of life.
I believe this is what all the New Age Guru’s call “the Dark Night of the Soul”.
I thought a lot about my life and Bryon’s life. He was his authentic self. He didn’t care if people got pissed off. He lived his truth.
He still exercised tact and decorum.
There were a few times when we were watching the Republican Presidential Primary debates and a certain candidate would say something inappropriate and Bryon would day “I can’t believe he said that. You can’t say that!”
It took Bryon’s death for me to learn how to live.
It was a time of my life where I didn’t want to live. A part of me died that Sunday morning when Bryon died.
I made the decision to keep living.
And I hope no one read that in the literal sense. I never wanted to die. I just felt dead inside.
Even with these new revelations, I continued to try to please people. People who took advantage of me. People who didn’t respect my privacy. People who used me my life’s tragedy for their gain. People who took my love and friendship for granted.
I made sure to show up to every daycare function and do whatever a Pinterest mom needed to do because I didn’t want to be the single mom who dropped the ball. Just don’t look inside my car. I don’t have it together nearly as much as I seem like I do.
The irony is, no one has openly judged me. Maybe behind my back but I don’t have the information to tell you one way or the other.
Here I am, at the age of 41 and I am finally learning that I can’t dim my light for others. My light shining brightly doesn’t affect the brightness of other lights.
We all have to live our truth.
At age 41, I finally realized that I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay.
And I don’t have to drink tea I don’t like either.
And neither do you.
Don’t let anyone blow out your light.
And going forward, people can take me or leave. But I am done trying to please people.
Today is Friday! You know what that means. Time for some good vibrations gratitude.
I am inviting you join me on Good Vibration Gratitude Fridays!
Exciting, right?
You are probably wondering how you get in on the action.
It’s easy! If you are grateful for something, please either comment below or share a pic of what you are grateful for on Instagram with the hashtag #goodvibrationsgratitude
Also feel free to follow me on Instragram at @kerrymckim
I am getting used to this new Gutenberg editor in WordPress. I liked it when creating my last post but it is pissing me off while writing this post. And for the love of all that is Holy, I can’t figure out how to name my own permalink. I had to go back to Classic Editor. Not cool, WordPress.
Those of you on WordPress- what do you think?
Here are 5 things I am grateful for this week?
1. President George H.W. Bush
There is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said by people far more distinguished than me. I am just happy I got to experience George H.W. Bush as my president. He represented an America that I am not sure even exists anymore.
People can say what they want about the Bush’s and their relationship with the Clintons and the Obamas but I think it is a great reminder that we are all people.
My heart broke for President George W. Bush during his eulogy.
And I was in awe when Senator Bob Dole took every ounce of strength he had to salute the President.
It really is the end of an era.
2. Last Weekend in Maine
I am not going to delve too deeply into the past weekend since I wrote about it (and my unsuccessful search for my Christmas Hallmark Man) here. But it was good to be home.
My next four things (I added a bonus) are all related to being sick. My daughter brought home a nasty cold from school and I have caught it. Last night I went to bed at 7:30pm which is very unusual as I am usually awake until 1am or 2am. I do feel like I am on the mend but I will be taking it easy for the next week or two.
*This story is a satirical piece based on the real life events of Kerry McKim. This written work is meant to be humorous. This story is not affiliated in any way with the Hallmark Channel though some may argue that it should be. Currently there are no plans to be affiliated with the Hallmark Channel…yet.
While the shopping began weeks ago, this years Christmas Story began last weekend. I was home visiting my parents and I decided that it was going to be the day where I get to live in a Hallmark movie.
All the enlightened guru’s say that we create our own realities. Let’s face it, I am bouncing back from a shitty period of my life. I always feel good when I watch Hallmark movies so why not make it my reality.
I have a lot going for me. Let’s look at the facts.
I am a widow ✔
I have a cute kid ✔
I was in my hometown, which is a small coastal Maine town ✔
It’s Christmastime ✔
Now I just to need find one of these single, good looking, successful, emotionally available middle aged men that seem to be wandering around Small Town America.
The “emotionally available” part if very important. I know a lot of these Hallmark Christmas Men have chips on their shoulders. I can handle that. But he needs to be emotionally available. I am the widow who needs someone to show me that love still does exist and it is all around.
This is my half-assed Hallmark story and I can add Love Actually references if I want to.
I will note that I did have a few things working against me-
❌ I was not there to save the Christmas parade. It seems like I was not needed. The Ellsworth Chamber of Commerce seems to be handing it just fine.
❌ I was not here to save the family business. There is no family business. Unless you count the postal service and I don’t have have the super powers of Candice Cameron Bure or Lacey Chabert to go against that bureaucracy.
❌ I came to realize that nothing needed to be saved. My family home is safe and we don’t have a family farm to save.
❌ I don’t own a vintage red pickup truck. I own a red Subaru Forester and a blue pickup and my father has a new red pickup truck. But no vintage red pickup truck. This is problematic because in addition to the cuteness factor of an old red pickup truck, many Hallmark movies involve a Hallmark Christmas Man rescuing a damsel in distress due to her unreliable vehicle. My late husband made sure I had the safest winter car there is and I have been maintaining the vehicle. Hallmark Christmas Man will have to find another way to help me.
❌ I also don’t have a high school ex-boyfriend. I wasn’t cool enough or pretty enough I guess.
(I really need to get over this emotional block considering I am in my 40s now).
My Junior Year of High School, 1995-1996
Since I didn’t need to save a business, a home, a farm or Christmas in general, I decided to go to the local Christmas parade.
I got to town about a half an hour before the parade. My daughter is in that phase where any unit of time that isn’t “right now” is “a very long time” so I didn’t want to be standing there waiting.
I was worried about parking. I was having trouble locating a spot and then I see a man directing cars into a Baptist church parking lot. I was excited. I did not attend that church when I lived there because I am Catholic but I had cash in my pocket and my adopted New York ways just assumed I would to pay to park anyway. I tried to hand the attendant some money and he seemed surprised and he declined the cash. He did invite us to cookies and hot chocolate at the church after the parade.
Cookies and hot chocolate at a small town church did seem like something that would happen in a Hallmark Christmas movie. But I am still mad at God and I didn’t want my Hallmark Christmas movie to be one where I find God. Especially if that meant that I would have to convert to another form of Christianity to meet my Hallmark Christmas Man.
My Hallmark Christmas Man is going to have to accept my “It’s Complicated” relationship status with Catholicism
I knew that my Hallmark Christmas Man could have been there eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate but I was willing to take that risk.
I went looking for a friend of mine. She was convinced Hallmark Christmas Man and I were going to go after the same piece of candy that was thrown at the crowds. Our eyes were going to meet. I was going to blush. He was going to say “I haven’t seen you around here before.”
Though that moment never happened. Turns out my daughter is perfectly able to fend for herself when it comes to candy.
As I was looking for my local friend, I saw an old friend of mine. She lives in Florida and I hadn’t seen her in about fifteen years. We had lost contact. She was in town because her father had passed away. She has been on my mind a lot lately and I do believe we were meant to bump into each other. I gave her my contact information and I do hope I hear from her.
I finally found my local friend right before the parade started.
My Dad was in the beginning.
My daughter on the lookout for candy.
I thought I was smart because I grabbed a plastic grocery store bag to hold candy. Turns out it had a hole. Luckily there was enough freebies like a local newspaper and frisbees that I was able to plug up the hole and still be able to use the bag for candy.
I think she had more candy at Christmas than Halloween…
There were lots of floats from the community.
I told you, the parade didn’t need saving.
Since my father was at the beginning of the parade, he was able to make it back before the end of the parade.
Santa! I know him!
After the parade, I took my daughter to the office of the local newspaper, The Ellsworth American because they give each kid a book. They had tables set up by age group and each kid could choose a book. My daughter chose a Snoopy book because her teacher likes Snoopy.
It is worth noting that the local newspaper didn’t need me to save it (though it did just get bought out by the Portland Press Herald) and Hallmark Christmas Man was not there.
My daughter had to use the bathroom so we stopped at the VFW Post that my father belongs to so we could use the facilities. My daughter was hungry so my father and the other VFW members invited us to crash the cub scout pizza party they were hosting.
I felt a little awkward but my daughter made friends with the kids and I saw a few old friends of mine. It was great to catch up.
Hallmark Christmas Man was not at the pizza party. But my father, my daughter and I headed up to the Christmas Tree lot to look for the Perfect Sullivan Family Christmas Tree.
And maybe Hallmark Christmas Man would be there. Maybe we would both pick out the same Christmas Tree and fight over it. That seems to happen a lot.
That didn’t happen.
My father picked out the Christmas Tree, not me. And there was no Hallmark Christmas Man fighting with my Dad for the tree.
I will say, it was nice to pick out the Sullivan Family Christmas Tree with my father. (Think of these as flashback sequences in my Half-Assed Hallmark Christmas).
The first reason was because we always had an artificial Christmas Tree growing up but my Sullivan grandparents always had a real tree. My father would tell stories of going to every Christmas tree lot in town with his father (my grandfather). Apparently my grandfather was very particular about his Christmas Trees. Though I have memories from some Christmases of my childhood and I remember those trees.
I could tell my father enjoyed remembering his father during the process.
The second reason has to do with “das stand.”
The story of “das stand” started in 2010 when Bryon and I moved into a townhouse in Albany and we were planning on getting our first Christmas tree. We both felt strongly that we wanted real trees. On a trip to Maine that fall, I bought a $2 Christmas tree stand at Marden’s.
What a bargain!
Only we couldn’t get our six foot Christmas tree to stand up in that stand.
We decided to cut our losses and we went to Wal-Mart and we invested in a $15 Christmas Tree stand.
We used that Christmas tree stand a couple of years.
Bryon and I always left our tree up until Epiphany. We were good Catholics like that. Right before Epiphany in early 2014, two things happened. The first was that I found out I was pregnant with our daughter and the second was that Bryon came down with H1N1.
Epiphany was on a Monday that year and between my early pregnancy exhaustion and Bryon’s flu, the tree didn’t come down. Thursday of that week, we woke to a crash. Our cat had got into my knitting and somehow wrapped the yarn around some tree branches and pulled the Christmas tree down.
By the following Christmas, in 2014, Bryon and I had moved to our house and our daughter had been born. Between the cat and a future toddler, Bryon was adamant that the Christmas tree was not going to come down.
So he bought a Krinner XXL that he affectionately referred to as “Das Stand”.
Bryon and “Das Stand” spent two Christmases together.
The first Christmas after Bryon died, I didn’t feel like having a Christmas tree but I felt like my daughter still deserved one. I got one up with the help of a friend.
Christmas 2016
The following year, I got the tree up all by myself. It was a “I am widow, hear me roar” moment. I know that because it showed up in my Facebook memories.
Christmas 2017
Since I am travelling this Christmas, I got an artificial tree at my house (I know, so wrong and not Hallmark at all) and I brought “Das Stand” to Maine for the real Christmas Tree there.
(End of flashback scenes)
I hadn’t unpacked “Das Stand” from my car and my father asked me to go get it so he can have an idea how the 8 foot trees would stand in it. I retrieve “Das Stand” from my car and the boy working (the Boy Scouts were running the Christmas Tree lot) says “Wow, I have never seen anyone actually bring a Christmas tree stand.”
“Das Stand”
I let the kid think we take our Christmas trees very seriously.
As my father and the actual adult working the lot put the Christmas Tree into the car, the man says “now THAT is a Christmas tree stand.”
I feel like wherever Bryon is now, he would be proud. He might be dead and gone but “Das Stand” lives on.
When we get home, my father saws off the bottom.
And we prepare to get the Sullivan Family Christmas Tree into “Das Stand” while my daughter watches Fancy Nancy or Vampirina or something on Disney Junior.
I cringed as my father cut away the twine. I was nervous that the branches were going to break through the living room window but my fear was for nothing.
I inspected the tree for squirrels but did not find any.
Sullivan Family Christmas Tree 2018
We were leaving the trimming until the next day because we wanted the branches to have a chance to fall.
I was heading out to an exciting night out in my small town. I was excited to have dinner with my friend Charlotte.
And maybe we would meet Hallmark Christmas Man. Maybe he would be out having a drink.
We had beverages, Irish Nachos and sandwiches. I forgot to take pictures of the food. But we saved room for dessert. I love the Guiness Cake with Bailey’s Frosting.
I didn’t find Hallmark Christmas Man.
Or really…Hallmark Christmas Man did not find me.
But I got to spend time with one of my good friends.
Girl Time!
I mean, as Leslie Knope says “Uteruses before Duderuses”.
The next day was freezing rain so I stayed at my parents house. I knew the odds of Hallmark Christmas Man actually just showing up at my parents house were slim.
We watched the Patriots beat the Vikings.
My daughter made a gingerbread house. It was from a kit. It was standing and not all the icing made it into her mouth.
I consider it a success.
We, I mean she, needs to bring her “A game” for her gingerbread contest, I mean, school assignment. It’s not really a contest but a lot of Hallmark Christmas movies have gingerbread contests so a non-competitive school assignment might have to do.
Right now it looks like we need a Christmas Miracle to meet Hallmark Christmas Man. Though Kimmy Gibbler reminded me that sometimes Christmas Magic begins to work closer to the holiday when there is a time crunch.
So where is Hallmark Christmas Man?
So far it seems like a Hallmark Christmas Mystery.
Will the widow’s daughter have an amazing gingerbread house for school?
Will the widow’s daughter stay on Santa’s Nice List?
Will the widow continue to be haunted by memories of “Christmas Past” and by the ponderings of “The Christmases That Should Have Been?”
Will Hallmark Christmas Man- in the biggest plot twist ever in Hallmark Christmas History- show up in Albany, thus confusing the widow since Hallmark love only happens in one’s hometown?
Will “Das Stand” continue to hold up the Sullivan Family Christmas Tree?
Where will Charlotte and the widow go to dinner next time they see each other?
Today is Friday! You know what that means. Time for some good vibrations gratitude.
I am inviting you join me on Good Vibration Gratitude Fridays!
Exciting, right?
You are probably wondering how you get in on the action.
It’s easy! If you are grateful for something, please either comment below or share a pic of what you are grateful for on Instagram with the hashtag #goodvibrationsgratitude
Also feel free to follow me on Instragram at @kerrymckim
Here are 5 things I am grateful for this week.
Dinner with Kimmy Gibbler I see her less since she moved up to the North Country. I miss seeing her as often but this means our time together is even more special. Love you Gibbler.
Swifty’s- Colonie, NY
Those who remember BryonWe had great neighbors when we lived in Albany. We hung out. We watched each other’s cats on vacation.
Our townhouses shared an attached wall. I am sure they heard Bryon and I when we argued. When I shared the news I was pregnant, my neighbor said she thought she had heard me throwing up.
We both moved to our current houses in the same month. My daughter was born and life just took over. I am sad to say I haven’t seen them in awhile.
They were in New York City celebrating their 5th wedding anniversary.
Happy Anniversary!!!!!
They had shared their plans on social media. On one of the days, they decided to visit the five oldest bars in NYC. (Which sounds totally awesome to this history buff. Maybe my cousin H-Bomb will do it with me).
I had commented that Bryon took me to McSorley’s (4th oldest bar).
It was one of his favorite bars in New York City.
My friends had shared that they shared a drink in Bryon’s memory at McSorley’s.
Facebook Photo Courtesy of Frances Esposito
It still makes me happy when people remember him. I can accept that he is gone but I don’t want him to be forgotten. Especially since my daughter will only know him from stories.
Getting three runs in this weekIt finally clicked in my brain that the only way I was going to be able to run another half-marathon was if I started running again. Funny how that works.
Get it? Christmas Humor…
Encouragement and friendshipI appreciate everyone who commented their support and sent messages about my post last night where I felt like a failure as a mother. It feels better to know I am not alone but at the same time, I am sad other mothers feel this way too.
My daughter’s Pre-K teacherI talked to my daughter Pre-K teacher and I am grateful I did. She was very positive about the situation. My daughter has had trouble being quiet during naptime. Her teacher assured me that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and that my daughter isn’t doomed. She just has a strong personality and she is in a phase where she is testing her limits. Her teacher said it is very common at this age.
She agreed with me that having a strong personality isn’t bad, we just need to funnel her energy differently. I don’t want to take my daughter’s fun away but she needs to learn that she has to respect adults.
Her teacher also told me it doesn’t matter how small my daughter is in her physical stature, she will be able to hold her own. As someone who was bullied as a kid, I know it is a good thing that my daughter has no problem standing up for herself.
I do feel better because I feel like we now have a plan in place that will hopefully correct her behavior before kindergarten. I am grateful her teacher is positive. She doesn’t view my daughter as a problem. She seems the good in her. I had some hyperactivity issues as a kid and from what I have been told, my teachers were negative about the situation.
It’s Friday! You know what that means. Time for some good vibrations gratitude.
This week I am starting something new.
I am inviting you join me on Good Vibration Gratitude Fridays!
Exciting, right?
You are probably wondering how you get in on the action.
It’s easy! If you are grateful for something, please either comment below or share a pic of what you are grateful for on Instagram with the hashtag #goodvibrationsgratitude
Also feel free to follow me on Instragram at @kerrymckim
Here is what I am gratude for this week.
Fall weekend in Maine.
I didn’t take many pictures on this trip. I didn’t do much sightseeing. I just enjoyed a late October weekend in Maine. I had dinner and ice cream at Charlotte’s and I had dinner with an old friend from high school. I don’t have a nick name for her yet but you met her here.
So I enjoyed socializing with friends, good food, watched two World Series games with my Dad and I marveled in the beauty of Maine fall foliage that is just past the peek in a Nor’easter.
World Series win
My boys did it!
And my little one got to see the team play this year. Can’t wait until next summer.
Second Annual Halloween Pajama Movie Night
The tradition was born last year when my friend and I were shopping at Gymboree and I thought the pink skeleton pajamas were cute. My friend asked me to buy them since she had skeleton pajamas for her boys and she said we could do a Halloween movie night. I was sold.
My daughter and I were at Crazy 8’s a few weeks ago and picked up another pair. And luckily movie night happened again this year.
Trick or Treating
Every year my daughters school goes trick or treating in a local office park. The people who work there are great and were very generous with their candy. It is hard to believe this is my daughters fourth and final year participating.
It’s November!
This year is the first year since Bryon died that I am excited for Christmas. And I am just going with it.
And before the haters get mad at me, I am just as excited about Thanksgiving too.
In late August, Kimmy Gibbler and I took our little ones down to the Bronx Zoo. Late August was a busy period for me so I never got around to posting about it.
So today we are going to take a bit of a flashback.
Going to the Bronx Zoo has always been on my bucket list.
One day I mentioned this to Kimmy and it turned out that she always wanted to go as well.
We decided to just do it.
Like Nike.
We live close enough where visiting is a day trip. I had originally thought about taking the train. I thought that a train ride would add to the excitement of the day but there is no easy connection on public transportation. So Kimmy drove.
When you go to the Bronx Zoo, you have the choice to buy a basic ticket or an “total experience” ticket. We had purchased total experience tickets because Kimmy did a cost analysis and realized that if you buy the basic ticket and decide you want to do the “extras,” it ends up being more expensive to do those “extras” a la carte.
My big pet peeve is that if you purchase the “total experience” package, they do not give you a wristband. They scan your ticket at each attraction. Now you can access your ticket electronically or print it up but it was still annoying. We had printed our tickets which was good because Kimmy’s phone battery died and my phone battery ran low.
It was really annoying to have to dig out the piece of paper every time.
I know, I know…
I would sarcastically say to Kimmy “Do you know what would be really cool? If you could have a bracelet instead of having to dig out this paper every time you want to do something.”
The workers didn’t find me funny but Kimmy thought I was hilarious.
If anyone from the Bronx Zoo is reading this: please, invest in wristbands. Please!
Our first stop was the world of birds. We actually didn’t spend much time here. We knew time was limited, especially with young ones so we wanted to head over to the Africa and Asia section. So when we return, we need to pay more attention to the birds.
Tigers!
Turtles. One turtle kept trying to get up on the log and it was fascinating to watch the other turns reaction. Or lack of reaction really.
My daughter’s favorite- The Bug Carousel
Butterfly House
Some post-Butterfly House fun
Back to the Bug Carousel. My daughter would have been on it all day if I had let her.
Ice cream break.
Africa.
Setting the mood
Or maybe you prefer the Weezer version…?
Lions
Towards the end of the day, we went on the Wild Asia Monorail. We had to wait in line for about an hour to get on.
Somehow we survived the wait in line and the monorail was awesome. Though my daughter fell asleep somewhere after the elephants. At this point, my phone battery was running very low so I couldn’t take many pictures.
The zoo closed at 5 pm that day. The kids were troopers. We did a ton of walking and they lasted the whole day. We saw most of the zoo with the exception of the birds. If you live near the Bronx Zoo, I highly recommend it.
Have you ever been to the Bronx Zoo? If not, is it on your bucket list?
It’s Friday! You know what that means. Time for some good vibrations gratitude.
This week I am starting something new.
I am inviting you join me on Good Vibration Gratitude Fridays!
Exciting, right?
You are probably wondering how you get in on the action.
It’s easy! If you are grateful for something, please either comment below or share a pic of what you are grateful for on Instagram with the hashtag #goodvibrationsgratitude
Also feel free to follow me on Instragram at @kerrymckim
Last Friday I attended my daughter’s Pre-K field trip to a local farm. The weather was beautiful. We couldn’t have asked for a better day or better company.
My daughter and I spent a fun day with Kimmy Gibbler and her family at Hick’s Orchard where we picked apples and did a corn maze. So much fall fun!
Time with my bestie
The night before we went apple picking (#2), my daughter and I slept over Kimmy’s house. It was so much fun to spend time together.
Kimmy even made a boujee cheese platter. And she made one for the kids too.
My Red Sox Baby
As I write this, it is the bottom of the 8th inning and my beloved Red Sox are playing Houston.
October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant loss day and I shared my story on Facebook about my Red Sox baby. The night the Red Sox won the 2013 world series, I felt lucky (we just started trying) so I peed on a stick and it said I was pregnant. Bryon and I were so excited about our Red Sox baby.
That baby died shortly thereafter but it took a couple of weeks for my body to figure it out. Bryon was so strong for me but one night he cried and said he was sad he wasn’t going to hold his baby.
I became pregnant with my daughter very soon after that so I tried not to dwell on my Red Sox Baby. Because I couldn’t imagine my life without her. This was the hardest thing I went through before Bryon died but I can honestly say that now I am at peace because I know he has gotten to hold both of our children.
I am grateful for that.
And I am grateful for those who talk about it because even though 1 in 4 woman suffer a miscarriage, I never felt more alone.
Red Sox going to the World Series!!!!
Good job boys!
What are you grateful for this week?
Don’t forget to comment or share a pic on Instagram using the hashtag #goodvibrationsgratitude
Running Forward...My Way 