My third Widowed Valentine’s Day, I was on strike and you did not get a blog post. I needed my space at that time. It wasn’t you. It was me.
So here I am – Widowed Valentine’s Day #4.
The bummer is that I don’t get to tag along to my daughter’s school party because she’s in kindergarten now.
We made Valentine’s with glow sticks.
(Trust me, it seemed like a good idea two weeks ago).
I know of at least one other classmates that has tattoo Valentines. Sounds like I am missing one wild party.
So it’s Widowed Valentine’s Day #4 and I have been reflecting. Well, reflecting on Valentine’s Day and also obsessively watching the news of the Coronavirus and thinking about the worst possible outcome. Because I am fun like that.
So where am I?
Well, I am still single. Much to my daughter’s dismay. She is trying to marry me off. Girl wants a Dad.
Note: I would have to date a guy for a very long time before he ever meets her. I once had a friend who was a single mom and she dated around (and by “date around” I really mean “slept around”) and would parade these men around her daughter. I remember her daughter asking one of these men if they were going to be her new dad. That scene has always stayed with me.
This fall I was talking to one guy. Charlotte and I referred to him as “Patriots Guy.”
So I pretty much narrowed it down to almost any man in New England.
Then I started to feel red flags.
Since I tend to attract narcissists, I ended that one quickly. It was so bizarre. It was like he was trying to pin me into a relationship before even going on a date. Sorry, Dude. I know my worth and I am worth a steak dinner.
Or Mexican. Tacos are good.
I felt those spidey feelings. It wasn’t even a relationship and I needed space. It dawned on me that I would have to someday tell this guy my story (there are people who don’t read this blog. Shocking, I know!) and I didn’t want to tell him my story. Not because I didn’t want to share my story. I just didn’t want to share my story with him.
I don’t know any of this dating etiquette bullshit. I wanted to ghost Patriots Guy but Charlotte said I had to “break up” even thought were weren’t even dating.
So I messaged him. I told him that I just wasn’t interested in continuing our communication. He then wrote back and said that was crazy and he felt so comfortable, yada, yada, yada. I didn’t respond. Since I knew he received the message, I blocked communication.
I took a break for a bit.
Then I tried again. Around Christmas.
Now I like Seinfeld. There are even a few references in this blog post.
Seinfeld was the show that 1990’s Kerry and 2000s Kerry could compare everything in life too.
Eventually, How I Met Your Mother Filled that position.
Every situation in life can be linked to an episode of How I Met Your Mother including….
The Dead Spouse!
This time I stuck with it for a little longer. I tried to persevere. But men around here must not be attracted to me.
This man dazzled me with his conversation skills.
Now to be clear- from the moment I saw the first message of “Hi”, I made the decision that I was only going to return the level of energy I was receiving.
So now I am on break again.
Am I discouraged? A little.
I miss having a person, but I don’t want a man for the sake of having a man.
This dating app silliness has me reflecting on what I lost.
Not just the things I liked about him, like the fact that he was intelligent, funny, stylish, masculine.
I miss our bond.
I don’t get jealous when I see married couples, but sometimes my heart aches a bit. I miss my husband, but sometimes I feel that it has been so long that I don’t wouldn’t know how to be part of a couple anymore.
Most married couples just seem so carefree and non traumatized to me.
Even if I managed to partner up again, I have lived through a very traumatic experience. I am going to worry if that man would die.
My brain kind of wants to make a morbid coronavirus joke here because I am a twisted person, but I also know that so much is unknown about the coronavirus and it could potentially cause a pandemic so I am not going to make coronavirus joke here. That would be in poor taste.
For the record, spellcheck does not recognize coronavirus. Just in case you were wondering.
I have ADHD. Can you tell?
It’s also 2 am and way past my bedtime.
So I am going to get to my point.
My marriage ended through Bryon’s illness and death. It broke my heart.
But I can also say that I know what it is like to feel the love of something who fighting to stay alive so they can be with you.
It gives me a whole new appreciate for what we had and even though I miss Bryon, I am grateful for the love he gave me, up until his last minute on Earth and beyond.
Maybe someday I will meet my Hometown Hallmark Hunk with whom I will discover what it feels like to love again.
Until then, the official status of my mood is “eh”.