Good Vibrations Gratitude Saturday #33

I did it again!  It’s Saturday and I am just getting to my gratitudes.  Ooops.

Though in my defense, my friend Lynda at Writing Out My Storms pointed out last week that it was still Friday in Pacific Time.  So I am going to go with that.  I have been working on cutting myself some slack because I am doing the best I can.

So it’s Friday (on the West Coast) and it’s time for some Good Vibration Gratitude.

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Here is what I have been thankful for this week-

  1. My Dad. 

    I have a lot of reasons to appreciate my Dad.  But this week I am focusing on the fact that when he comes to visit, he usually does a couple projects around the house.

    And he brings his truck and we haul stuff to the dump.  Thanks Dad!

  2. My daughter’s 4th birthday party.

    This was the first year that my daughter had a “friend” party.  It was different but it is cool to see her turn into her own person and make her own friends.

    We had at a local place called Afrim’s that has bounce houses. The staff did a great job.  My daughter had been telling me since January that she wanted her birthday party there. It was a blast.  Most of her class was there and our cousins made it in from Massachusetts.  It was great that so many people came out to celebrate.

    I don’t have many pictures to post here because there are other children in them and I don’t feel comfortable posting pictures of other people’s children on my blog without parental permission.  I know I wouldn’t appreciate it if it were done to me.

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  3. Lunch with my daughter’s Godmother and her husband.

    I don’t get to see them often due to work schedules but we got to enjoy a wonderful lunch at a local Mexican Restaurant.  I didn’t get any pics so I am going to leave one of the birthday present they gave my little one.  But it was great to see them and catch up.

    And in case you were wondering about her dress shoes, those are Clarks.  Dress show on top, sneaker on the bottom.  Got them when I was in Maine at Mardens and I plan to look for more the next time I am in Maine.

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  4. Meeting local blogger friends.

    I “met” The Perfect Honeybee  when I came across her blog on WordPress Reader.  We had been following each other’s blogs for about a year.  She reached out to me a few months ago and invited me to partake in a local blogging group that she and her friend were starting.  Her friend blogs at Sweet Love & Ginger.

    We had our first meetup.  In addition to meeting the two founding members, I also had the pleasure of meeting Pattie of My Saratoga Kitchen.

    It was great to discuss blogging.  Even though our blogs are all very different, we still had an interesting conversation about blogging itself.  If you are a local blogger (Capital District NY or Saratoga County and nearby) and are interested, connect with me.  We have a Facebook group and we are planning on meeting monthly.

    I am also grateful that they didn’t mind that my daughter came along.

    This is a picture of my daughter ignoring us and watching YouTube kids.  I want to thank the Perfect Honeybee for taking the photo because I couldn’t because, well, my daughter was using my phone.

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    And on a completely different note, I had to block two Peppa Pig channels on YouTube kids.  She doesn’t watch Peppa Pig on TV but there is something about that show that she becomes very irritable after watching it.  Nope.  Not up in here.  Give me annoying Daniel Tiger any day.  Or those videos where kids are unboxing toys.  Or that stupid Elsia and Annia go camping video.  Just no Peppa Pig.

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  5. The fact that I get to be this girls Mommy.

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What are you grateful for this week?

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I lied to you

A few weeks ago I said that I started writing a book and that that would not be affecting this blog.  I meant it when I wrote it.  So maybe it wasn’t actually a lie.

But I found that by keeping up this blog, I am too drained to write my book.

I also have felt uninspired when writing this blog.  It has become routine and it has felt like a chore.  Not that writing isn’t work but I feel like I haven’t been putting my heart into my posts.  And it has shown because my blog hasn’t been growing.  A big problem is that I stopped writing for me.

I feel like my writing and it’s creativity on this blog has plateaued.  And the frustration has been draining my energy.

I have several projects in the works this summer and I need my energy for these projects.  I will still be writing in this blog but it is only going to be when I feel inspired, whether it is once a week or four times a week.

I also need this summer to decide what direction I want my writing to go.  My grief isn’t as turbulent anymore.  Moving forward with my life doesn’t seem to interest people as much a roller coaster emotions.  But I have had enough drama in my life. I am not going to manufacture it to create an interesting blog.

So this isn’t a breakup.  Just an “I need space” moment combined with a “It’s not you, it’s me” moment.  I look forward to being back when I am inspired and I will be checking in.

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A special thank you

WordPress alerted me that today is my one year anniversary.

I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks.

Thank you.

For reading.

For being there for me.

For supporting me.

For being my friend.

For letting me pour my heart out to you.

Thank you.

My 2018 goals

How is it already January 5th?  

Like, we are almost done with the first week.  And I haven’t even written a New Years 2018 post.

Why is that?  Well I attended a lovely wedding, put up my Christmas tree and then I got sick.  Bronchitis to be exact.  I was so sick for two weeks.  Then it was Christmas and New Years week.  And then I went to a funeral in Maine.  I will write more about the Holidays and the funeral next week.  I promise.

As the calendar year changed, I did some reflecting.

2016 had been the worst year of my life.  I really hope that that year keeps the title because I can’t imagine what could be worse my husband having surgical complications, spending 5 months in the ICU and then dying.  

2016 was a year of survival.

I was happy for the calendar to change to 2017.  I did a lot of healing that year.  Even though I spent a lot of that year still in a fog, I still tried to live my life.  Even if it was going through the motions.

I had a lot of ups and downs but I was in a better place at the end of 2017 than I was the beginning of 2017.

2017 was a year of healing.

I was excited to see 2018 come.  I hope to continue this year trajectory.  I also have a feeling that a lot of exciting things will happen this year.  Things are going to be very different by the end of the year and in a good way.

I want 2018 to be the year I start living again.

I have been working on some goals.  I am writing them down here to hold myself accountable.  I may visit these goals monthly or quarterly to make sure I am on the right track.

I also want to note that this isn’t a complete list.  This is just the highlights.  I am always adding goals all the time.

Home

My biggest goal for the home is a monstrously large goal.  I need to declutter my house. My late husband was a saver, I was a saver but not as bad and my daughter has a lot of toys.  I am always looking for lost items and tripping over stuff so it is time to clear out. Since my daughter is living, I feel that Barbies Dream House gets precedence over Bryon’s possessions that I don’t have a use for.  I have attempted to clear out some of his items but I am always overcome with sadness.  I know he doesn’t need these items anymore but every time I get rid of something of his, I am reminded that he is dead.   I have avoided this task.  But now it is time.

My minimal requirement for this goal is to donate on box or trash per week for a total of 52 bags/boxes.

Fitness

Before I got hit with the bronchitis/holidays/funeral trifecta, I was having success at a local gym called Metabolic Meltdown.  I hope to return to class 4-5 times a week.  

Bronchitis has also done a job on my lung capacity so I want to start Couch to 5k again and be running 5ks by the spring.  My stretch goal is a second half marathon in the Fall.

Writing

I lost my inspiration for awhile.  I think that was due to a funk that lasted from Bryon’s deathaversary in August until a few days before Christmas.  I think I have my inspiration back.

My writing goals are:

Write 2-3 blog posts a week.

Begin writing my book.

Submit at least 5 articles for publication.

1-2 YouTube videos each week.

Spirituality

I want to continue my journey on learning how to love myself and others.  I can’t fully give to others until I take care of myself.  I would love to fall in love again but I want to be in a good place before I make any commitment.

I want to read one book a month on self love.

I want to learn how to meditate this year.  I have trouble focusing on nothing.

I want to read at least one book a month on spirituality.

Write in my gratitude journal daily.

I am hoping by the end of 2018 that I will be less angry with God.  Less angry enough that I may start going back to Sunday Mass.  I miss the traditions.  Faith was a huge part of my Bryon and my relationship and I miss it.  I also want my daughter to be raised in the same faith that I was and the same faith that Bryon and I had intended that she be raised in.  But I am still very, very mad at God right now.  Maybe it is time to delve into the religious based grief books that have sat unread on my nightstand.

Interpersonal/Self Respect

It’s sad that these two are lumped together, but for me that is how it is.  

My biggest Interpersonal/Self Respect goal is to continue to remove toxic people and situations from my life and to be open to positive, supportive and loving relationships.  Life is too short to be hanging out with the wrong crowd.

I am done tolerating people saying insensitive things to me.  In the past, I have tried to brush hurtful comments off.  I have rationalized that the people who make these comments don’t know a clue to the magnitude of my loss though many think they do.

I am also done with people who tell me how to live my life.

Widows are not weak.  They are not dumb.  

Widows DO NOT need to be told how to do any of the following:

Parent their children.

Manage their money.

What they should do with their house.

When they should date.

When they should have sex.

And most importantly, widows DO NOT need to be told how to grieve and how to cope.  A large part of a widow’s life is grieving and coping.  They don’t need to be told how, especially by someone who has not lost a spouse.

I will be distancing myself from people who try to tell me how to live my life.  I have been through Hell and survived.  I am not a delicate flower.

I also don’t like drama. I thought I left it behind when I graduated from high school 20 years ago. It ruins my Zen.  So I will also continue to steer clear of drama because it is a waste of time and life is too short.

Good Vibrations Gratitude Friday #4

It dawned on me that I should be setting the mood to these gratitude posts.

1. I am thankful that my teen years were during the 1990’s.

Saved by the Bell, Beverly Hills 90210, Flannel shirts, scruchies…the list goes on.

I began the 1990’s as a fifth grader and closed them out 11 days after I returned from my semester abroad during my junior year in college.  So I got to experience a tiny part of elementary school, all my middle school and high school years and most of my college years in this decade.

2. On the way to my daughters gym class, she wanted to sing “Let It Go” so we listened and belted it out.  We did, in fact, let it go.  That is how the McKim girls roll.  Though I admit it started to get old after the fifth time.  But I know she will not always be my sweet little girl.  There will come a day when she will be too cool to want to sing with me.

3.  Pee-peeing in the potty.  My daughter hasn’t shown much interest in peeing in the potty.  Her teachers at daycare and I decided last week to start putting her in underwear.  Tuesday and Thursday were accident free days and Wednesday we only had one (poop) so I am encouraged.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel!

And I am sure when she is a teenager, she will love that I shared this in the blog.  I will have to remind her that she was so proud and told everyone and anyone.

4.  I am thankful for my health.  I know it seems like a simple thing but it’s actually a huge thing.  I have legs that work, organs that function and I am in a position where there is nothing holding me back from improving myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

5.  Fall foliage.  The best time to be alive in the Northeast.

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Daily Prompt: Surreal

Today’s WordPress writing prompt- Surreal
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/surreal/

Time stopped.

Nothing mattered.  Eating didn’t matter.  Showering didn’t matter.  Sleep didn’t matter.

Everything seemed like it was a million miles away.  My home.  My job.  The 2016 Presidential Election.

“Your husband has been transferred to the SICU.”

“Your husband might not survive this surgery.”

“Your husband’s heart will stop beating today.”

“Your husband is clinically dead.”

“Let’s look at the caskets we offer.”

The moment you give your credit card to the man at the cemetery to buy your second piece of property.

The moment you have to check the widow box on the marital status question on medical forms.

The moment you have to write deceased next to the father’s name on your child’s forms for school.

Those moments when life doesn’t feel real.

100th post

I don’t feel like I have anything profound to say.

I have written a lot.  I still have a lot more to write.  It’s been a challenge at times to put my emotions into words.

Writing has helped me so much.

Maybe this will be permanent.  Maybe this will be temporary.

I have met new blogging friends and I still have a lot of new blogging friends to meet.

Thank you for the support and thank you for reading!