The first dance recital

Last Saturday was a big day in the McKim house.

It was the day of my daughter’s first dance recital.

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This was her first year of dance.  She was in a ballet and tap combination class for 3 and 4-year-olds.

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I know as a rookie dance mom, I found the whole experience a little overwhelming but my daughter handled it like a pro.  On top of skipping her nap.

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She played the role of “Little Miss Sassy” so well.

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This age is still a little unpredictable.   Age 3 is young to be on stage.  I was worried that she would get scared but she made it on stage.

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And she rocked her dance.

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I asked her what she thought about being on stage and she told me that she liked it.  The stage was a big stage at The Egg Performing Arts Center in downtown Albany.  I asked her if she saw lights or people and she said she saw both.

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This day was very emotional for me because it was her first recital and Bryon wasn’t here to see it.  When she was a baby, Bryon and I talked about how we were going to put her in dance class and that she would be in a recital. It is bittersweet to see her grow and reach milestones and not have Bryon there.  We may be coming up on two years since he died but his absence is still profound.  But she is going to have a lifetime of firsts and milestones and I am just going to have to get used to the emptiness that accompanies those events.

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It didn’t help that it was also Father’s Day weekend. I was in a bad mood (with my daughter’s father being dead and all) but my parents made it for the recital.  My daughter loves her grandparents so much and we were lucky they got to see her.

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Field trip to the farm

A few weeks ago, my daughters preschool class went on a field trip to a local farm for “Baby Animal Days.”  The kids got a chance to pet the baby animals.  It was a very cold and rainy afternoon but the weather did not ruin the fun.

Here are some pictures from the memorable afternoon.  Do you live on a farm?  If not, have you ever visited one?

Three and a half and asking questions

My daughter officially turned three and a half yesterday.

Where has time gone?

Yesterday she asked her first questions about her father.

We were talking and I mentioned that I missed him.

She asked me why.

I said that I missed him being here.

I could see her wheels turning, trying to remember him.  I told her that she was too young to remember him.

She accepted my explanation.

She then asks “Did you touch his hair?”

I said “Yes.”

Then she asks “Did you touch his body?”

I said “Uh…yeah…”

Then she asks “Did you touch his face?”

I said “Yes.”

She seemed satisfied with that knowledge and went back to watching Paw Patrol.

I know this is only the beginning to the questions she is going to ask about her father and why her father died.

Fairy tales don’t exist.

I recently bought my daughter a Disney Princess CD for the car.

Yeah…they still make CD’s.  I was kind of surprised too.  This was good news because whatever part of the brain that understands technology…well mine is stuck in the 1990s.

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Actually that is only half true.  I embrace modern technology.

I just need other people to set it up for me.

And I need for it to work all the time for me.

And if it doesn’t, I need other people to fix it form me.

So yeah.

My daughter and I have been listening to a Disney Princess CD.

Actually we have only been listening to two songs.

The first is Rapunzel and “When will my life begin.”

Poor Rapunzel.  I know what it’s like to feel like I am waiting for my life to begin.  Except I am trapped in a tower of my own making and that doesn’t compare to her abuse.

The other sing we were listening to was the Little Mermaid.

As we listened to Ariel, my daughter knowingly says “Ariel is sad because of a boy.”

I was shocked at my 3 and a half year old daughters insight.

She already has something figured out that I didn’t figure out until high school.

I said “Yes…boys have a tendency to do that to us…lots of boys will make you sad…then one day you find the one that doesn’t make you sad…and then you will be happy…well as long as he doesn’t die…”

I am pretty sure my daughter stopped listening to me once I said she was correct.  But with her you never know.  She doesn’t seem to miss anything.  She’s smart.

Last week I talked about how Jerry McGuire and the whole “You complete me” thing is a lie but I also decided that I no longer believe in fairy tales.

Life is never what it seems.

Like, seriously.

Ariel likes a guy.  She has to jump through hoops to get him to notice her.  I mean, it’s one thing to dress pretty and have open body language but to give your voice to a sea witch seems a bit excessive to me.

Ariel, honey, it’s not supposed to be THAT hard.

And it’s not good enough that she jumps through all these hoops, she has to completely change her life to be with Eric.  Eric isn’t putting in any effort.

Seriously Eric.  You need to appreciate what this girl has done for you.

The movie ends with Eric and Ariel having a wedding cruise and Ariel is wearing the dress that she said yes too.  Interestingly enough, she did not go with a mermaid style dress.  Her family is swimming in the ocean which is probably the etiquette equivalent of putting your family at Table 22 or something.

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So Ariel is almost completely isolated from her family.  I don’t remember seeing Eric’s parents but what if they aren’t nice?  Not all people have loving and supportive in-laws.  (I plead the fifth!)  Needless to say, this could be problematic for Ariel.

So isolated from family…unknown in law situation…what if Ariel pops out a kid or two or twelve and then Eric has a simple elective surgery that gives him sepsis and he dies?  And Ariel’s family can’t help because they are mermaids and live in the water.

I don’t think Ariel has thought this through.

Even though she wants to “part of Eric’s world” (whatever that means) she clearly showed signs of confusion when I saw her at Disney on Ice last year.

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Is that a mermaid tail or legs?  I am so confused…

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Ariel is clearly having some identity crisis.  She wants to be human but she still wants her mermaid tail?

Looks like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Maybe she needs to take a cue from Elsa and leave the past in the past.

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I just hope Prince Eric doesn’t die on Ariel and shatter that whole world she wanted to be a part of.

A third birthday fiesta

We celebrated my daughters third birthday this past weekend.  It was a small celebration with the Albany family, but we are still a pretty crazy bunch.  Celebrations like this are very bittersweet without Bryon, but we still had a good time.  I was tired, but very thankful for those in my daughters life.

 

Little moments

This weekend I did the first of my long runs for my half marathon training.  My training cycle has gotten off to a slow but steady start.  I have joined a new gym called Metabolic Meltdown and I do those workouts on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays and I run on Tuesday, Thursdays and Sundays.  I was having trouble motivating myself by just running and I need more strength so I hope this plan works.  So far I have been enjoying it.

So on Sunday I took my daughter to the local university and did the 3 mile loop around campus, plus one extra mile.  

It was the longest four mile run I have ever done.

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First of all, since I have slacked off on my training, I gained weight and I was pushing a stroller with my almost 3 year old.

It was hot.

My daughter kept dropping things and I kept having to stop and pick them up.

I didn’t want my daughter to fall asleep on the run so I kept her entertained by singing Old MacDonald since we watch OutDaughtered all the time.  OutDaughtered is the show about two year old Quintuplets.  My daughter refers to the show as “Babies.”  All I hear is “I want to watch Babies!”  Anyway, there is an episode where they are singing, or supposed to be singing, Old MacDonald in a recital.  So my daughter and I sang Old MacDonald and my daughter kept choosing “chicken” so this Old MacDonald had a farm full of chickens.  Old MacDonald can thank for me sneaking in one cow and one cat.   

My daughter saw one of the Albany city busses and kept saying ice cream truck.  I told her it was a city bus, but she wouldn’t believe me.  I told her she would disappointed if we went over and tried to order ice cream.

But I made it through the run.  I think when I reach the six mile mark on my long runs that I will need to get a babysitter.  I can’t be pushing the stroller for 8 miles.  I will go nuts.

I was really wanting to get an iced coffee but I decided to stop and let my daughter run around the fountains.  She was so happy which made me happy.  Life is about the little moments.

Exhaustion

I have come to a realization over the past couple of days…I am exhausted.

I am physically tired. I can feel it in my bones.

I am mentally tired.  

I am emotionally tired.

I am spiritually tired.

I always feel like I am behind the eight ball.

I have so much to do and no energy to do it. At times my life feels like an overwhelming mess.  Too much to do. My house is a mess. For the past year and a half, I felt that the mess in my house is just representative of my life.  But is the mess, both the literal and the figurative, ever going to get cleaned up?

I don’t know how to feel rested. I can’t remember the last time I felt rested. Was it before Bryon got sick or was it before my daughter was born? I cant remember.

I went from running on fear and adrenaline to being numb and in a fog. Now that the fog is lifting and life is starting to feel “normal”, I feel empty, hollow and drained.

This empty, hollow and drained feeling is discouraging because I feel like I have worked so hard to be positive.  I feel like I have worked hard to put myself first and it feels like I wated useless energy.

I could just stay home but then I am left alone with my thoughts which get depressing if left to their own devices.  I need the company of my friends right now.  But I am an introvert which means that I naturally need alone time which puts me in a contradictory situation.

When am I going to feel like I have sh*t together again?