March 2018 – Page 2 – Running Forward…My Way

Anger

Published on March 6, 2018March 6, 2018 by kerrymckim1 Comment

It only took 18 and a half months but I am finally ANGRY.

I have felt bits of anger here and there but this is the first time that I have truly felt ANGRY.

I wrote about my sad grief mix a few weeks ago but now I realize I need an ANGER mix.

Please comment with any suggestions.

I have never listened to ANGRY girl music but I have a feeling I am about to start. I only know Alanis.

And I have always wondered- What did Dave Coulier do?

For the record, I want to start that I don’t care what the so-called grief experts (who probably have fancy degrees and learned everything in a textbook and probably haven’t actually experienced grief) say- grief doesn’t come all packaged up in neat little stages.

Yes, at first I was in shock and denial.

But then I jumped over to dialogue and bargaining because I started this blog 5 months after Bryon died.

And now I am somewhere between “anger” and “depression and detachment”.

Except I am not helpless. F*ck that.

The following chart gives a more accurate representation of expectation(left) versus reality (right).

I am ANGRY that my husband and the life I was supposed to be living were stolen from me.

I am ANGRY that my dreams died with my husband.

I am ANGRY that I will probably not have another child.

I am ANGRY that I lost those 5 months with my daughter when my husband was in the ICU. I am grateful for my parents for taking care of her and I know I needed to be with Bryon, advocating for him and overseeing his care but I won’t get those five months back.

I am ANGRY that I had to sit in an ICU room watching my husband cling to his life.

I am ANGRY that I had to watch him suffer.

I am ANGRY that he was hooked up on machines and we couldn’t talk. We didn’t get any closure.

I am ANGRY because in my daughters daycare class there is a chart that lists the kids and their parents name and my daughter is the only one that only has one parent listed.

I am ANGRY because at age 3, she already has a better understanding of death than many adults.

I am ANGRY whenever I hear other parents complain that their spouses are gone for a couple of days. Yes, it’s hard. I remember when Bryon had to go away for work. But it’s a whole lot harder when they are gone forever.

I am ANGRY that the doctors didn’t save Bryon nor did they seem to care. Maybe it would have been different if it had been their loved one.

I am ANGRY at the healthcare system for being so shitty. It’s all about money, not people.

I am ANGRY at God. I was taught that he was a loving God and that was all a lie.

I am ANGRY at all the people who tell me that “God doesn’t hate you”. Um…okay…

I get ANGRY when I see everyone living their perfect lives on Facebook. By perfect, I mean living lives where they don’t have a dead spouse. Because to me, that is perfect. I get no marriage is perfect. Bryon and I did not have a perfect marriage. But even on our worst day, it is still better than the hell I am living.

I am ANGRY that I am turning 40 this year and that I am in this position. So much for playing it safe and making good life choices.

I am ANGRY that I am alone and broken.

I am ANGRY that I am viewed as damaged.

I am ANGRY that I don’t fit into my own life anymore. I am a square peg in a world full of round holes.

I am ANGRY that despite having lots of loving friends, I am still lonely.

I am ANGRY because I have lost my innocence. If I ever fall in love again (which I probably won’t because I am broken and damaged) I will always have that fear that they could die young too. This could all happen again.

I want my old life back.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

Existing

Published on March 5, 2018March 5, 2018 by kerrymckim2 Comments

It’s been a pretty average Monday.

I wake up. I take my daughter to school. I go to the gym. I stop at Dunkin’s and get a medium iced with caramel swirl, cream and a turbo shot. I go home. I shower. I work. I pick my daughter up from school. We have dinner. We watch Doc McStuffins. She goes to bed. I will work some more.

I guess this is the new normal that everyone kept talking about.

F*ck my new normal.

I want my old normal back.

I want my old life back.

Yes, I am strong. But please understand that I am only strong because there is no alternative. I have to do it for my daughter.

I am just a shell of the person I used to be.

At times, my life feels pointless.

Like I am just existing.

I hold back on my emotions sometimes.

Because it’s easier to hold it in then to explain.

People don’t understand that I can just have a bad day. So it’s easier to just hold it all in.

I also hold it back because people don’t understand that sometimes I just need to vent. I don’t want unsolicited advice, especially from someone who has no clue what I am going through.

And be glad you have no clue.

At the end of the day, the life I was supposed to be living was stolen from me.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I followed all the rules. I tried so hard to be a good Catholic girl and then a good Catholic wife and mother. I was raised to believe that God was good and it was all a lie.

While I was not always the easiest person to live with, I was a faithful and loyal wife.

I rarely complained when Bryon’s work got in the way. I knew the importance of his livelihood.

I married a bit late at the age of 34. But that was okay. Bryon was worth waiting for and we had our whole lives together.

And that was ripped away less than four years later.

Life is cruel.

Widowhood is lonely. Everyone around me is coupled off and happy. They have their spouses to talk to and lean on. They have their futures.

Bryon should be here with me. We should be happy. I should have him to talk to and lean on. We should have our future.

My future is a black hole.

I am lonely and want my life back.

I exist and on some days, that takes up every bit of energy I have.

I am so angry.

The healthcare system failed Bryon. God failed Bryon.

Bryon’s death was completely unnecessary.

I tried my hardest to save Bryon.

But the healthcare system and God won out.

But I am the one who get to replay everything that happened in my head, over and over again.

Because watching my husband cling to his life for 5 months and then die once wasn’t enough.

And tomorrow I get to do it all over again.

Celebrating good times

Published on March 5, 2018March 5, 2018 by kerrymckim1 Comment

This spring two of my favorite people are getting married this Spring and I was honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid in their wedding. And my little one will be the flower girl. The excitement is picking up as we get closer to the wedding date.

This past weekend was the bridal shower. The French toast was made by yours truly. I made enough for 30 people. That must be what it is like to cook for the Duggars. I used this recipe and tripled the ingredients. It was very simple and easy.

We all guessed how many Hershey kisses were in the jar. I asked my daughter for her guess. She said 3. Now I don’t want to be a negative mother who crushes her spirit but I told her that there was no way that that was correct. My daughter refused to change her answer. So I said fine, I am going write 103 for your answer.

There was 104 kisses in that jar.

There were cards for all us to fill out where we give the bride advice and cards where we give the couple a date night idea. I asked my daughter what she wanted to say and I wrote it down.

In case you are wondering:

Advice to the Bride: Buy a Barbie House.

Date Night idea: Come to my house.

We took our tribe photos.

The Ring Bearer and Flower Girl may have stolen the show.

I don’t have any pictures but these two decided to help the bride open her presents.

The bride’s half of the wedding party. And the maid of honor’s brand new little baby.

The Bride works as an EMT (and a pharmacist) and the Groom is a paramedic. The shower was at the headquarters where they had met. After the party broke up, the bride took the Ring Bearer and Flower Girl to see the ambulances.

We got to see an ambulance go out on a real call and save some lives.

And the kids got to sit in the ambulance.

And the kids got to play EMT. First responders to the rescue!

Though none of us wanted to be their patients.

All those hours of watching Doc McStuffins on Disney Jr has paid off. My daughter knows what a stethoscope is. Maybe she will be a doctor someday.

This was part one of our Saturday. You will have to wait until tomorrow for part two.

Good Vibrations Gratitude Friday #12

Published on March 2, 2018March 2, 2018 by kerrymckim1 Comment

It’s Friday, you know what that means!

Time for some Good Vibrations Gratitude!

These are the 5 thing I am grateful for this weekend.

Seeing Les Miserables

I mentioned in my previous post about how I saw Les Miserables on a school trip to NYC my senior year of high school and how excited I was to see it last weekend. I had a great time.I was also intrigued at how sophisticated set design became in 22 years.

Les Miserables, 2018

We did learn a valuable lesson. When you see a show at Proctors in Schenectady, make sure you make reservations if you want to eat at any of the nearby restaurants. We didn’t. None of us thought of it. Ooops. Luckily there was a stand at the theater that sold sandwiches, desserts and there was also a bar.

This whole dinner debacle demonstrated a shift in my thinking. The old Kerry would stress about everything. Bryon used to say that I searched for things to worry about. The old Kerry would have freaked out that we didn’t have dinner reservations. The New Kerry just thought “I am not really that hungry anyway but there is a sandwich stand. If this is the worse thing that happens to me all night, then this is a great night. I am out with friends and I am seeing a musical that I love.”

I know I have grown as a person and it is nice to see evidence of that growth.
My daughter’s first haircut

I had so many emotions watching (and snap chatting) this. This was my daughters first haircut. There wasn’t much to cut off but her hair did grown in uneven so it was evened out. My hairdresser also put the hair in an envelope for me.
So. Many. Emotions. I tell you.

My daughter loved going to the salon and had a great time being “grown up”.
The Princess Party

In a moment of insanity, I decided to buy tickets to the Princess Ball. It was Sunday morning and I had stayed up late the night before.

Ooooops.

My daughter had a ball. (Pun intended).

I was texting Kimmy Gibbler and I told her that I was annoyed by all screaming kids and equally pushy parents. This was the unimpressed selfie I took and sent her. I was over it.

But it was hard to stay annoyed when I saw how much my daughter enjoyed herself. She has been telling everyone about the Princess Ball and in great detail too.

I was actually surprised at the detailed questions she asked each of the princesses. She didn’t just talk about dresses and tiaras. She asked Anna about the speed of Kristoff’s sled. My daughter is one smart cookie.
Avocados
Because they are delicious. I love guacamole and avocado toast.
My job
I had my yearly review at my job. It went well. I am thankful for my job. They hired me two months after Bryon died. Some people told me I should take more time off but I felt it was time to go back to work. Except for three weeks when my FMLA ran out, I hadn’t worked in 7 months. I was ready. That and our health insurance coverage through Bryon’s employment ended so that was also a motivating factor for going back to work.

Before I became a sole parent, I never thought I would like working from home. But now I feel like I couldn’t do it any other way. My schedule allows complete flexibility. I work a lot at night but that gives me the time to go to the gym, make doctors appointments and have the occasional lunch with friends. It also gives me wiggle room if my daughter is home sick or there is a snow day. The flexibility of my job helps me thrive (more like survive) in the other areas of my life.

My employer also provides us with a large amount of educational resources so I am able to keep up the continuing education I need to maintain my credential. That is very helpful because now I can’t go off and attend conferences anymore.

They also have an amazing program that gives each employee five days to volunteer and give back to the community. My company also donate money to grant wishes of employees in need every holiday season. I literally cried when they announced who won the wishes and told their stories. My company has a heart.

I also work with an amazing team. I have only talked to them on the phone and through email but they are great people.

And one last bonus gratitude-
The random 3 Hello Kitty pull ups
My daughter is mostly potty trained but still wears pull ups at night. I didn’t realize that we were down to one last pull up until she went to put it on. I know, I am totally failing at this motherhood thing lately. Actually I am pretty sure I am failing at life in general.I got annoyed at myself because that means I have to go out in the storm today and get a package of pull ups. But really no big deal.

Well my daughter had a big poop in that one last pull up. Of all nights. This story happened literally right before I typed this so it is in the middle of the night (because I don’t sleep anymore). I didn’t want to have to get her dressed and go to the 24 hour pharmacy to get pull ups.

I told myself not to panic. We had to have a random pull up somewhere in the house or maybe the car.

I looked in my purse- none.

Then I see a bag from my trip to Massachusetts for my grandmother’s funeral that I had not unpacked. (I know, a month ago. I told you, I am failing at life. I am a hot mess.) I looked inside and there were three Hello Kitty Pull Ups.

So I am very thankful for those three random Hello Kitty Pull-ups.

I am sure she is going to love reading this when she is older. She is probably going to be so unimpressed. She will probably say something like “Hey Mom, remember that time when you wrote about how I shit my pants and put it on the internet for the whole world to read?” And then I will remind her that we all have shit our pants at one time or another and that the post was actually about princesses and pull ups.

Those are the 6 things I am grateful for. What are you grateful for this week?