Celebrating good times

This spring two of my favorite people are getting married this Spring and I was honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.  And my little one will be the flower girl.  The excitement is picking up as we get closer to the wedding date.

This past weekend was the bridal shower.  The French toast was made by yours truly.  I made enough for 30 people.  That must be what it is like to cook for the Duggars.  I used this recipe and tripled the ingredients.  It was very simple and easy.

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We all guessed how many Hershey kisses were in the jar.  I asked my daughter for her guess.  She said 3.  Now I don’t want to be a negative mother who crushes her spirit but I told her that there was no way that that was correct.  My daughter refused to change her answer.  So I said fine, I am going write 103 for your answer.

There was 104 kisses in that jar.

There were cards for all us to fill out where we give the bride advice and cards where we give the couple a date night idea.  I asked my daughter what she wanted to say and I wrote it down.

In case you are wondering:

Advice to the Bride: Buy a Barbie House.

Date Night idea: Come to my house.

We took our tribe photos.

The Ring Bearer and Flower Girl may have stolen the show.

I don’t have any pictures but these two decided to help the bride open her presents.

The bride’s half of the wedding party.  And the maid of honor’s brand new little baby.

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The Bride works as an EMT (and a pharmacist) and the Groom is a paramedic.  The shower was at the headquarters where they had met.  After the party broke up, the bride took the Ring Bearer and Flower Girl to see the ambulances.

We got to see an ambulance go out on a real call and save some lives.

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And the kids got to sit in the ambulance.

 

And the kids got to play EMT.  First responders to the rescue!

Though none of us wanted to be their patients.

All those hours of watching Doc McStuffins on Disney Jr has paid off.  My daughter knows what a stethoscope is.  Maybe she will be a doctor someday.

This was part one of our Saturday.  You will have to wait until tomorrow for part two.

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Widow at a wedding

This past weekend, two of my closest friends got married.  I love these two people so much. I can not stress enough how much of an honor that my daughter and I got to be a part of their day.  The we were with Bryon and me on the best days of my life and they didn’t leave my side through the worst days of my life.  While I would do the same for them, I  prefer that the days be happy. 

The wedding was held at the lovely Otesaga Resort in Cooperstown, NY. I wish I could share more details but I was chasing after my daughter.  Please take my word for it when I say that this wedding was epic.  

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“I do myself, Mommy!”

 

The weather was warm for December.

Everything was beautiful; the bride, her dress, her hair, the music, the guests.  

The food was amazing.  And there was an open bar.  

I got to see lots of old friends and I made some new friends.

But my heart was heavy all night.  Because Bryon was not there.

This is not the first wedding I have gone to since Bryon’s passing.  My Maine best friend got married last summer.  I meant to blog about it because it was a beautiful ceremony that deserves it’s own post and I hope to write about it before I visit her in Ann Arbor this spring.  

But that wedding was in Maine and that was my turf.  Some of my old friends I saw at that wedding had never even met Bryon (though that doesn’t lessen their empathy).  Both the bride and groom had lost their mothers in their 20’s and the only time I felt sad was when the father of groom gave a speech and mentioned the groom’s mother and if she were there.  My eyes teared up because it made me think of how Bryon isn’t going to be there when my daughter gets married.

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I was very anxious about this wedding but I kept those feelings to myself. I felt selfish for even having these feelings. Weddings are happy affairs.  There is very little I do not share with the bride but I wasn’t going to burden her with my grief leading up to her big day.  Especially when I know it was hard on her that Bryon wasn’t there.  

(And to note, I have discussed this with the bride after the fact.  She is not going to be blindsided by reading this).

A large portion of these guests knew Bryon.  There was no way I could even pretend he wasn’t dead or that I wasn’t a widow.  All through the night people approached me and said kind things about Bryon which I did appreciate.  Because enough time has passed from his death where sometimes I think people forget about him and the last thing anyone who is grieving wants is for their loved one to be forgotten.  

I have come to the conclusion that it was a good thing my daughter was there.  I spent the night chasing her and that prevented me from getting drunk and crying on the bathroom floor.  And that is not a flattering look for anyone.  Though chasing her did hinder my ability to take photos.

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“Mommy, why do I have two forks?”

There were so many couples at the wedding though I don’t know if that is true or if that was just my perception.  I started thinking back to my wedding day.  How pretty I felt in my dress.  How I felt when we had our first dance. We were so in love.  

There was no way that I could have foreseen exactly what “in sickness and in health” would entail.  Bryon would tell me that I nailed that vow.

I started to wonder if I would ever feel that way again.  Will I ever love again?  Will I ever love someone enough to marry them?  Will I have a second first dance and cut another cake?  Five years ago, when I married Bryon, I thought that was it.  We were going to grow old together.  Forever and always.  I never dreamed that this would be a possibility.

I know that I do want to love again.  I just don’t feel like I am done yet.  But is it even possible to feel that way about someone else?   Is it a glimmer of hope or an impossibility?

I honestly don’t know.

I know is that I need to learn to cope.  It is frustrating when you want to be happy and instead you are an emotion mess. 

Bryon might be gone but the sun stills shines.  My daughter still laughs.  There are people that I love that are still here.  There are still happy times.  I just need to accept that there will always be some sadness attached to all the happy moments.

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