It’s been a pretty average Monday.

I wake up.  I take my daughter to school.  I go to the gym. I stop at Dunkin’s and get a medium iced with caramel swirl, cream and a turbo shot.  I go home.  I shower.  I work. I pick my daughter up from school.  We have dinner.  We watch Doc McStuffins. She goes to bed.  I will work some more.

I guess this is the new normal that everyone kept talking about.

F*ck my new normal.

I want my old normal back.

I want my old life back.

Yes, I am strong.  But please understand that I am only strong because there is no alternative.  I have to do it for my daughter.

I am just a shell of the person I used to be.

At times, my life feels pointless.

Like I am just existing.

I hold back on my emotions sometimes.

Because it’s easier to hold it in then to explain.

People don’t understand that I can just have a bad day.  So it’s easier to just hold it all in.

I also hold it back because people don’t understand that sometimes I just need to vent.  I don’t want unsolicited advice, especially from someone who has no clue what I am going through.

And be glad you have no clue.

At the end of the day, the life I was supposed to be living was stolen from me.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I followed all the rules.  I tried so hard to be a good Catholic girl and then a good Catholic wife and mother.  I was raised to believe that God was good and it was all a lie.

While I was not always the easiest person to live with, I was a faithful and loyal wife.

I rarely complained when Bryon’s work got in the way.  I knew the importance of his livelihood.

I married a bit late at the age of 34.  But that was okay.  Bryon was worth waiting for and we had our whole lives together.

And that was ripped away less than four years later.

Life is cruel.

Widowhood is lonely.  Everyone around me is coupled off and happy.  They have their spouses to talk to and lean on.  They have their futures.

Bryon should be here with me.  We should be happy.  I should have him to talk to and lean on.  We should have our future.

My future is a black hole.

I am lonely and want my life back.

I exist and on some days, that takes up every bit of energy I have.

I am so angry.

The healthcare system failed Bryon.  God failed Bryon.

Bryon’s death was completely unnecessary.

I tried my hardest to save Bryon.

But the healthcare system and God won out.

But I am the one who get to replay everything that happened in my head, over and over again.

Because watching my husband cling to his life for 5 months and then die once wasn’t enough.

And tomorrow I get to do it all over again.


2 thoughts on “Existing

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