Three of us girls and my daughter went out for breakfast the morning after the Kentucky Derby. One of us had said that in the past, she felt like she was viewed as “Bryon’s friend” but after this weekend, she felt like she became part of our friends group in her own right. We all felt warm and fuzzy when we realized that.
My friends observation hit me close to home because for years I felt the same way. I moved to Albany in 2009 after Bryon and I had been dating for a year and he already has his social network. Everyone was Bryon’s friend and I felt like I was his shadow. Over the years, my friendships did start to evolve but I didn’t realize how strong those friendships were until my friends were there for me when I needed them the most. They continue to be there for me, helping me heal.
Yesterday I wrote about all the love and friendship shared on Derby Day. Today I feel like celebrating that love and friendship.
In the past, I have written a lot about my girls. But most of these girls are attached to guys. Really great guys. These guys would drop whatever they were doing to help me with anything and I don’t give them enough credit in this blog. Most of these guys were Bryon’s friends and many of us girls became friends through our significant others. Now I think it’s safe to say that it is us girls who are the driving force behind the groups social calendar.
I have realized that I have been looking at these friendships only through my own eyes and not the eyes of my friends. My grieving process has made me self-absorbed at times. I know my friends have been there for me and my daughter but I haven’t been able to fully appreciate that my friends have been there for each other too. I am not the only one who has needed support during this time. Each one of my friends has been grieving too and they have been there for each other as well as be there for my daughter and me.
So many other friendships have formed before my very eyes. Older friendships have been strengthened. We have all been friends to varying degrees but Bryon’s death has brought many of us closer. But we aren’t just friends, we are a family. And we have been all along. We just never realized it until after Bryon died. Bryon may not be able to be here for us but he gave us each other.
We are one big, crazy extended family complete with adults, kids and pets as well as the biological families of our family and friends of friends. I have noticed that since Bryon has passed, we make more time for each other. Birthdays get celebrated as well as personal milestones. We check in with each other more, even if it is just because it’s been a couple of days and we wanted to make sure everything was okay. The ladies have a monthly brunch. Everyone seems fully committed to be positive role models and trusted adults for the younger generation to look up to.
I love my family and I am so thankful I have them in my life.
We all came ready to celebrate the two most exciting minutes in sports.
There were old friends enjoying each others company. There were new friendships formed. Lots of laughter, celebration and happiness were in the air.
There were lovely ladies in dresses, hats and fascinators.
There were dapper men in seersucker suits.
Delicious food was served- bourbon meatballs, pulled pork sliders, mini Kentucky hot browns, mint julep chicken skewers and chicken and waffle skewers. Because we all know that food tastes better when it is served on a stick.
Makers Mark Mint Juleps were consumed in special Bryon McKim souvenir cups. So many Mint Juleps were consumed that the bar ran out of Makers Mark two hours into the party. Bryon would be particularly proud of that.
There was a silent auction full of amazing items that were generously donated from members of our community. The silent auction was accompanied by friendly competition to outbid each other.
The second word is Bittersweet.
We were having a great time but we all knew that this party would not be happening if Bryon was still alive. If Bryon were still alive, we would have been having our annual Kentucky Derby party in our backyard. The backyard party would have been at a smaller scale but just as fun.
Ultimately Bryon had to die to bring us all together to have a good time.
As much fun as I had on Derby Day, I would have given it all back if it meant Bryon would still be here. But I think I am reaching the point in my grieving process where I am beginning to accept Bryon’s death as it is. I have days where I still ask “why” but I know that even if I can figure out the “why,” it doesn’t change anything. Bryon will still be dead. And there is nothing that can change that.
We can’t change the fact that Bryon is gone but instead we chose to take a horrible situation and make the best of it. Many people die without leaving their mark (pun not intended) on this world but Bryon made his mark (okay, pun was intended this time) and we made the choice to keep his memory alive. Derby Day had the potential to be a very sad day but instead, we chose to celebrate Bryon’s favorite day of the year. And we celebrated in true Bryon McKim fashion. I am grateful that I had so many amazing people to celebrate Bryon’s life with. We all remember what a difference he made in this world. He helped so many people when he was alive and we chose to continue his legacy and help others in his memory.
I want to thank the Bryon C. McKim Derby Party Planning Committee: Vince Casale, Lynn Krogh, Danielle Grasso, Joseph Hanson, Jennifer Muthig, Mike Utzig, Nick Wilock, Jennifer Armstrong, Mike and Natalie Kosar, Sara Stein and everyone else who assisted in the planning process. I am awe of your talent and you ran this event like a well oiled machine. You could run a small nation. Bryon would be proud.
I want to thank our sponsors for supporting the event and all the business who generously donated items for our silent auction. My daughter and I are very lucky to be part of such a supportive community who looks after their own.
I want to thank Wolff’s Biergarten for all your hospitality and help putting on this event. You were great to work with and made our experience enjoyable.
And I want to thank everyone who came out to support our event to celebrate Bryon’s life and keep his memory alive. One of the biggest fears that a grieving person has is that their loved one will be forgotten. Thank you for reminding me that while Bryon may be dead, he did live.
I look forward to celebrating with you again in 2018.
Grief if not pretty. Grief is actually quite ugly. Some view me as strong. Some view me as delicate. But the truth is I am neither strong or delicate yet I am both strong and delicate at the same time. I always joke that I am a girl of many contradictions as I am part city girl, part country girl. The analogy fits here as well.
Grief is hard. It’s hard to go to bed alone. It’s hard to deal with the moments of shock where you wonder why all of this had to happen. It’s been 8 months since Bryon died and over a year (13 months) since Bryon got sick and I am still hit with those moments. But one of the hardest parts of grief is all the emotions. Grief makes you feel every emotion there is; sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness, desperation. It is like each emotion is it’s own bright, vibrant color and I am that cup of disgusting water that you dip your paintbrush into. All those bright colors have turned my cup of clear water into a disgusting murky shade of greenish brown.
I have always been someone who has struggled with expressing my negative emotions. I usually say nothing and I let frustration build until it turns into a completely different emotion and then the volcano erupts and it is usually over something minor and stupid. And once that volcano erupts, there is so stopping and tt is not fair to the people that stand in line of that volcano. It’s not fair to take your negative emotions out on people. People shouldn’t have to deal with Mt. McKim.
Grief is exhausting. I joke with my friends that grief has turned me into an emotionally stunted preteen girl. While I like to think I have more wisdom than the average preteen girl, there is still some level of truth to that statement. Emotionally, I can only deal with what is in front of me and that in turn has made me self-absorbed. I talk about myself too much. I wonder when enough time has gone by that I don’t feel the need to talk about myself and my grief so much. When do I begin to act normal again?
Grief is overwhelming. Not only are we dealing with the absence of our loved one, we have to deal with the secondary losses. Loss of security, loss of income, loss of future plans. We have to rebuild and that is overwhelming. Many widows don’t know how to rebuild. I know I am relearning skills that I haven’t had to think about in over 6 years. I know where I want to be but I don’t know how to get there. I am like the underpants gnomes except I am not collecting underpants.
I had been working on removing toxicity from my life and I still find that I have too much to deal with emotionally. It dawns on me that it isn’t enough to remove toxic people, you need to remove toxic thoughts too. I need to learn how to redirect that energy to something more positive.
I also want to make a point that just because one is widowed does not mean that they are obligated to accept friendship from a person who tears you down. Just because you are at a low point in your life does not mean that you deserve to be bullied or talked to in a way that is demeaning. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Grief also can make you anxious and paranoid. So much bad stuff happened to me this past year and I am constantly worried about what tragedy is coming next. It’s like I can’t just accept that this storm has passed and I need to enjoy the sunshine until the next storm happens. (Because widowhood doesn’t give you any immunity from bad things happening. But let’s hope I don’t have to sit in another ICU room for 5 months watching someone else I care about suffer and die) In addition to watching my husband die, many people that should have been supportive of my daughter and me were not. Those people were selfish and self serving. I was hurt by those people but I need to stop anticipating that I am going to be hurt by the people who have been there for me over and over again. My friends have proven that they have been there for me and I need to trust that they will continue to be there for me.
Grief is ugly. I am not looking for pity. People who are grieving generally don’t want pity. Or advice unless we specifically ask for it. We want empathy, love and support. People who are grieving don’t want to be spoken at or preached at. We just want to be listened to. And whatever you do, don’t tell the grieving how to grieve or try to educate them on their own experience. Trust me, you don’t know. Even if you think you do, you don’t.
Why am I sharing this? Most people try to portray themselves in the best light possible, not share their ugly side. There are many reasons. The most important is that I believe in being honest and I want to give an honest account of grief, not just the noble parts. I am not always that strong and stoic widow that many people believe I am. The second reason is accountability. I don’t want to act like this but I need to own it when I do. I have been hurt by too many people who don’t take accountability for their actions. I think we all know those people, the people that never apologize for anything. They just blame everyone else . And as always, I am writing this because I know I can’t be the only grieving person that feels like a hot mess sometimes. Maybe someone that relates will read this and will get some relief for not being alone.
I have had a rough week. I tend to write about what’s on my mind and there have been four posts this week. I think that is a record. That’s a lot of stuff on my mind. I want to put this week behind me. I have a nearly dead palm tree and a nearly dead oak tree in my kitchen. They have not looked good for months. I was convinced I had neglected those poor trees to the point of no return. Well today I see signs of recovery. If those trees can recover, there is no reason I can not. We all can regardless of what pain we are moving forward from. It’s time to put the negativity behind me and enjoy the two birthday parties I am attending this weekend.
I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings and I have decided that I have been writing about too much depressing stuff lately. My life isn’t all depressing so I decided to share some of my fun moments. I mean, my life won’t always be this depressing, right? My daughter and I had a busy weekend so I thought I would share that.
On Friday evening I had plans to meet some good friends for Mexican food at El Loco. I had gotten a baby sitter for my daughter and I braved the drive to downtown Albany and even found a parking spot. It was great to catch up with my friends.
I was supposed to run the Fly Creek Cider Run 10k this weekend but I dropped a metal trashcan on my toe on Easter. That doesn’t sound like a big deal but my big toenail is blue and I had to wear flip flops all week because it hurt too much to wear regular shoes. By Friday I could wearing shoes was bearable but I decided that it wasn’t the best idea to run the 10k or 5k. I was disappointed because I really was looking forward to this race. I was signed up to run it last year but missed it due to Bryon’s illness. Maybe the third time will be the charm.
There was a rugby tournament at Albany Law School so my daughter and I went for a little bit. My daughter wasn’t that interested but we did walk around the track and even did a little running.
Saturday afternoon was the birthday party of the son of Bryon’s best friend. He is turning 3. They did an amazing job with the Mickey and the Roadster Racers theme. There was also a bounce house and wagon rides.
Reminders that life continues on. It feels good that that we are making happy memories that my daughter and my friends children will grow up with. But, like everything else, it is bittersweet because Bryon isn’t here for those memories.
Sunday was the monthly brunch with my girls. This is turning into my most favorite day of the month. We alternate houses and we each bring something. We had an amazing brunch with Blueberry and Strawberry French Toast Casserole, Goat Cheese and Sundried Tomato Quiche, Vanilla Bread, Sausage, Fruit, cookies, Mimosas and great conversation.
I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend or better company.
You are probably wondering “Who is Malcolm Stephens?’’
I was asking myself that very question the other night.
I was looking at my Facebook newsfeed and there was a post from Malcolm Stephens. It was actually written by his wife and it was stating that he had passed away unexpectedly and that the funeral service will be Saturday. This immediately grabs my attention because widowhood gives you a sick fascination with death.
He was a Facebook friend of mine and yet I had no idea who he was. The fact that I didn’t know how I knew him didn’t concern me. I have a lot of Facebook friends I don’t really know. A lot of people had sent me friend requests when Bryon got sick and I assumed he was a friend of Bryon’s.
I clicked on Rev. Stephen’s facebook profile looking for clues as to how Bryon knew him. Our mutual friends would reveal how he knew Bryon. I would learn if they were connected through politics, or college, or law school, or the Masons based on mutual friends. But Bryon was our only mutual friend. I could see that Rev. Stephens was the minister of an African Methodist Episcopal church and that he lived in Atlanta, GA. We are Catholic from New York so I have no idea how their paths crossed.
I message my daughter’s Godmother to tell her about this. She could not place Rev. Stephens name and she knows a lot of people too. We both discussed how Bryon knew so many people. We pondered a few possibilities but we were still stumped.
Now it was starting to bother me. How did Bryon know Malcolm Stephens? Did they meet on an on cruise or on an internet cruise forum? Did they meet on a train? At a conference? I looked through Bryon’s Facebook for clues. Looked at the “see friendship” option and there were only brief but sincere messages of friendship between the two. I still couldn’t figure it out.
Then I investigate Rev. Stephen’s on my own Facebook. We had become friends when Bryon got sick. Turned out he messaged me twice and I never responded to either. First was in April and in that message he explained to me that he was Bryon’s manager when he worked at Disney. That explained it. The second message was in August when Bryon was in NYC. Rev. Stephens told me that his sister who lived in NYC would like to stop in and pray with him. And for whatever reason, I never responded. I know I was overwhelmed, but was I that overwhelmed?
I cried. I cried for his wife, his family and his community. This man was clearly a caring man and he had touched many lives.
I cried because I started thinking about how this past spring he was worried about his friend and all he really had was my facebook status updates. I was too overwhelmed to answer texts and facebook messages. Among our close friends, they had created their own hierarchy of information. His best friend would communicate with his college friends, another friend communicated with his political contacts. But unfortunately I did not delegate anyone to be a contact for people Bryon knew that did not fit into one of this many groups.
I cried because I thought about all the lives that Bryon had touched. So many that even I, his other half and best friend did not know to what extent that Bryon’s touched people.
I cried because I thought that even if they hadn’t seen each other in ten years, they probably had already met up, two old friends in Heaven.
I am beginning to think that Bryon touched so many lives that there was no way that the average person could process all his friendships. Whenever I take those psychology tests online, my results are either introvert or ambivert (which means I fall exactly in the middle of the introvert-extrovert scale). I like the company of others but it does wear me out. If I seem like I am outgoing, it is because I worked hard to develop those social skills. Being outgoing doesn’t come naturally to me. Bryon, as we know, was an extreme extrovert and I still am amazed at how many friends he had. I have no idea how he managed to keep all these friendships alive because he spent so much time with my daughter and me and he was always focused on us. I never felt cheated or like I was second place. He also got a full nights sleep every night. I truly have no idea how he did it. It was like he had a superpower.
Rest in Peace, Rev Malcolm Stephens. I am sorry I didn’t know you but if you were friend of Bryon’s, you must have been a good person.
I have tried to be honest about my grief through this whole process. I usually do that in the form of blog posts such as this one. I find that writing about my feelings helps me process them and I make my feelings public because it might help others. While it might only take you five minutes to read this blog post, it will take me hours to write this. Sometimes those hours are spread over days. I keep a written journal of sorts that I write down my thoughts and ideas that come to me as they are happening in their rawest forms and usually I review these journals when I write a blog post. Sometimes my thoughts go straight on my google doc and I spent hours elaborating and organizing these thoughts. I usually write about something that has bothering that particular week and I usually feel somewhat peaceful about that particular issue after I hit the publish button.
There are times that a feeling comes on so strong and I can’t keep it in. Like my blog posts, I need to get these issues out. So sometimes it comes out in a post on social media. Usually when I post on social media about something, I am upset and can’t wait to go through the process of writing a blog post. When I post something in this state, I am venting. I am not looking for sympathy nor am I looking for advice. If I am looking for advice, I would be asking a specific question. Usually when I post an emotional social media status, I don’t have anything left to debate or defend my position.
Usually the social media posts that spark the biggest reactions are those about religion. There are some widows and widowers that never lose their faith in God and that is great. I am happy for them. I began my grief journey feeling that way. I was actually fairly at peace when Bryon died but as time passed and I was left to deal with the grief, I was not comforted by God. I have recently begun reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis and Lewis speaks about feeling like God has slammed the door in his face. That is how I feel and I own it and I am honest about it. I don’t take my loss of faith lightly and I resent it when people imply that I have. I actually was very distressed about it in the beginning. Aside from a few rebellious teenage years, I have tried to have a close relationship with God. Being a good Catholic girl was a huge part of my identity and I was distressed that I was losing my identity on top of losing my husband.
I know that the comments about God being good and God allegedly loving me are well intentioned, it is actually like salt is being rubbed in my wound. I have also come to the conclusion that a lot of these well intentioned people truly don’t understand what I have lost and what kind of pain I feel every single day. And that is a good thing because I would never wish this type of pain on anyone.
Being told that I need to realize that life isn’t easy comes across as disingenuous to me and it demonstrates to me that my point is being missed. I lost my best friend and the love of my life after less than four years of marriage. Can people who have not had that loss truly tell me that they know how I feel? Bryon was robbed of the life he was supposed to live, the career he was working on, the places he wanted to go to, and the years he was supposed to spend with me and my daughter. I was cheated out of my Happily Ever After and my daughter was cheated out of knowing her father and all her years with him. I am tired of being told that the God that stole my daughters father from her is “loving”. She’s 2! What could a 2-year-old do to deserve that?
Sometimes I wonder if they need to reassure me of God’s alleged love not because I need to be reminded but that they need to reassure themselves. I also wonder of people’s motives when they are trying to convince me about God’s alleged love. Are bonus points given out for saving the widow? I don’t need another church or another religion. I am Catholic and will always be Catholic to some level. I don’t need a new parish. I will forever be grateful for the parish priest at my church. He was there for Bryon, my family and me even when God was not.
I know this post might offend some people but I have spent too much time over the past 8 months worrying that I was offending people and this has caused stress. Before Bryon got sick and passed away, I had the energy to deal with someone if they said anything rude or critical or insincere and by “deal”, I mean fume about rude, critical and insincere comments. I also held back a lot of my true feelings. But I don’t have the energy to fume. If you cause that kind of reaction from me, I am going to take a step back. I am going to take my space. Because I just don’t have the energy to deal with anything negative.
There are a lot of assumptions and expectations about who I am based on who I was. I touched upon that here. But I am done being defined by others expectations of who they think I am. I have spent my whole life worried about what people thought of me and not wanting to offend other people. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t hold back who I am, take care of my daughter, work 40 hours a week and grieve all at the same time. I have to put my daughter and myself first.
I know that this post may upset people but I need to take care of my daughter and myself. And those who are my true friends will understand and love me wherever my journey of self growth takes me. Maybe I will find my faith in God renewed. Maybe I will become a Buddhist. Those who love me will understand that I am smart and I am strong and I am don’t need to be told what to believe. I spent 38 years letting others have too much of a say in my life. I need to figure things out myself and I need to be honest to my myself. And I need to figure it out in my time. I am processing my grief and soul searching and I am confident that over time, I will figure out what path I need to take. The path that is best for me and the path that will lead my daughter into being who she is supposed to be. And a part of me is actually a excited about the process. I apologize that my self growth might make you uncomfortable but I will not apologize for doing what is best for me.
I always thought I had a strong sense of who I was. And I never questioned my own authenticity. Yes, on the outside I am from a small Maine town but many people don’t realize that I spent the first 14 years of my life in the Boston area. I spent a semester abroad in England when I was 21. Besides Boston, I have spent time in London, Paris, Chicago, New York, Washington, D.C., Miami, Houston, New Orleans, Vegas and many other cities. I am fairly educated and worldly. I just try not to be pretentious about it.
I have always been a rule follower whether it was my Catholic religion or sitting in school. I was not a kid who got in (much) trouble. I did get caught daydreaming a lot but there was a whole world outside whatever window I was looking out of. I can’t say I never broke the rules in high school but I pretty much did as I was told. I did not drink in high school or go to gravel pit parties. I rarely stayed out past curfew (though my parents were pretty lenient as long as I called) though sometimes I stayed the night at my best friends house because she did not have a curfew. This created a kind of late night loophole that I would take advantage of. (Sorry Mom and Dad!)
I stretched my wings a little bit when I was in college. A few weeks into my freshman year I decided to get an eyebrow ring. It was 1997 and it was before they became popular. It actually looked good on me though I don’t think any picture exists. I didn’t think it through because I was heading home the following week and figured I would just take it out when I was around my parents. My parents never saw it (though my brother saw it and he kept threatening to tell them). I realized that I was never going to have the guts to wear it in front of my parents and I couldn’t handle the pressure of living a double life so the eyebrow ring didn’t last.
And of course, there was the road trip my friends and I took to St. Stephen, New Brunswick just so we could go to the bars when we were 19. I remember walking along the Saint Croix River, pointing to the Maine side and laughing because we “couldn’t drink over there but we can drink over here.” I always think of that trip every time I hear “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies. I wasn’t a saint but I kept myself out of trouble.
I was a very hyper and annoying kid and somewhere along the way, I figured that I had to bottle up my true self to fit in with people. I would just sit quietly because I didn’t want to become hyper and weird and annoying. I chose to only open up to a few. I liked to participate in structured activities so I only had to discuss the topics on hand.
After college, I started dating the guy who would later become my ex-boyfriend. I think of him as kind of an anti-Bryon because he was the exact opposite of Bryon. One could argue that Bryon was the over correction of this guy. I could probably write a whole post on him and what I learned from that relationship. In very general terms Bryon was a Catholic, Republican, manly-man who loved sports while the anti-Bryon was a Protestant, Democrat, non-manly man who preferred science fiction to sports. Another big difference was that Bryon actually liked me while the anti-Bryon did not. I think I was someone who paid for dates for two and a half years. He never embraced me for who I was and I spent two and a half years trying to be the woman he wanted.
After I broke up with the anti-Bryon, I got absorbed into the world of politics and most notably, the Young Republicans. I embraced the lifestyle of Republican politics and I wore suits, heels, pearls and the Sarah Palin hairstyle. I loved politics because it was like I was an actress playing a role. I didn’t have to worry that I was shy and awkward. Politics gave me a way to relate to people. It was also during my time in politics that I learned conversation skills and poise.
Politics led me to the best years of my life. My years with Bryon. The years where I became a wife and mother. And like everything else, being a wife and mother provided me with a role that I was more than happy to assume. Bryon did love me for me but relationships are always filled with give and take. Bryon had the successful career and I pretty much was content to live in his shadow. It might have caused some contention between us at times but I don’t regret it. Especially since he apparently wasn’t meant to be here as long as the rest of us.
I have heard that during widowhood, you begin to question everything you once believed. I thought I had myself and the world all figured out. While I learned that I am much, much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, I also learned just how much Bryon overcompensated for my weaknesses. I don’t have him to cover for me anymore. I have learned that I can count on my family and I have also learned which of my friends are actually my family. I have learned who I can’t count on (some were surprising) and which friends really weren’t friends. I learned that you can’t put all your faith into the healthcare system and that the healthcare system can fail you. And I learned that God doesn’t care if you did your best to be a good Catholic girl for over 30 years.
All those years of trying to fit into roles and groups has left me with a repressed free spirit. I have always had a free spirit that gets antsy and wants to see the world. It used to drive Bryon nuts when I wanted to day trip to anywhere, as long as it was out of Albany. He usually indulged me. I also have a creative side. I am still in the process of trying to let those parts of me out. I have been running. I have been travelling. I have been cooking new recipes and putting together furniture from IKEA. I have been reading about Buddhism to try to stay Zen. I have been in the process of changing over to natural cleaning and beauty products. I plan to have a garden this summer and learn how to can vegetables. I tried to dye my hair blonde but that didn’t work. And don’t be fooled if you ever see all the books on my nightstand. You might see titles that consist of history, religion, politics, business, memoirs, parenting and grief/self help but the last two books I read consisted of one by the Long Island Medium and the other was Jodie Sweetin’s memoir. Candace Cameron Bure’s memoir isn’t proving to be nearly as exciting as Jodie Sweetin’s memoir.
I realize that I was just afraid. I have been afraid of success and I have been afraid of failure. I have been afraid to let people see the real me. I had a clearly defined past and I have been afraid to stray from the expectation of who I am supposed to be. I have been afraid that if I tried something different or learned about something different that it might change how I think. And if I continue to be afraid, I will never fully live and I must fully live to be an example for my daughter. So my daughter can grow into the woman she is supposed to be.
A few weeks ago I went to brunch with a few friends. The food was delicious and we had a great time. There was lots of laughter and stories and a few mimosas. Both of them were talking about their dating adventures (or misadventures) which I enjoyed hearing about them.
But on the ride home I became really sad. I had one grandmother who lived to be 90 and my other grandmother is 95. I genetically have the potential to be stuck on this planet for another 60ish years and that is a long time to be alone. But I got sad thinking that someday I might have to date again. I started crying and the tears kept coming. I did not ask for this. I was happily married. I don’t want to be alone for 60 more years but I also don’t want to date. Why does life have to be so cruel? Why did my happily ever after have to get ripped away from me when so many other people get to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy and not me?
So I get home. I post a sad status on my Facebook because I feel the need to vent and some brave people comment and try to make me feel better and while I appreciate their intent, it never makes me feel better. Maybe I just need to stop sharing my feelings on Facebook. I blast my sad songs list on Spotify (doesn’t everyone have one of those?) and eat some ice cream. I blast Tears in Heaven and listen to it on repeat. Then I do what I do when I am feeling incredibly sad. I put on Sleepless in Seattle which lives on my DVR because I needed to hear Tom Hanks say “Move on. Fine. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll just grow a new heart…I know. But it just doesn’t happen twice.” Tears in Heaven, ice cream and Sleepless in Seattle, are like, my trifecta of grief.
One of my best friends must have seen that status because she messages me asking if I am okay. She is one of the few friends that I don’t feel like I have to answer with “I’m okay. Everything is okay.” I told her I was sad and I was listening to sad songs and eating ice cream. I did not tell her I was watching Sleepless in Seattle because I was nervous that she would have gotten into her car, drive over and delete Sleepless in Seattle off of my DVR and I can’t live without that coping mechanism.
Things have changed in the past month or two. I am starting to come out of the widow fog but the grief certainly has not subsided. I am still incredibly sad. I am still trying to make sense of Bryon’s death. Some days I begin to think that I am used to Bryon being gone while other days I still sit in shock and disbelief that he is actually gone.
When Bryon first died, I tried to come up with a timeline for grief. I have always been a goal oriented person so it made sense that I would set goals for the grief process. But it hasn’t worked that way. The months have just been bouncing by and I have been unable to attain any of these goals. I am still wearing my rings. A lot of our bills are still in Bryon’s name, his stuff is still taking up space in our house and I still haven’t shut off his phone. My friend asked me if the fact that we talk about Bryon so much is holding me back and I said no because most of my thoughts are still consumed by him and his death. I am afraid to stop talking about him because then he really will die. Yes he is physically dead but his story remind me that he actually did live and I am not ready to let go of that yet.
Have I been moving forward? I don’t think so. I think I have been surviving and keeping myself busy by traveling and doing activities with my daughter but I don’t really think I am moving forward. I am distracting myself. I am waiting for time and grief to pass before I start living again. I spend time with my friends and my daughter and I work, usually until the early hours of the morning as I put off bedtime every night because lying in an empty bed is just too painful. I need to stop searching for happiness because I am just not going to find it. I am just getting used to being sad and I need to embrace that because that is my life right now. This is my normal and since I can’t set my own timeline for healing, I need to embrace that I am going to feel sad until the indeterminate time comes when I no longer feel sad.
So for the time being, I will continue to feel sad. I will continue to cry when I think about what I have lost. I will still continue to distract myself. I will continue to go on adventures with my daughter. I will still continue to spend time with those I am close to. I will continue to try to check items off of my widow “to-do” list. I will continue to try to find myself as an individual. I will continue to do all of these things until eventually my grief subsides and all of this just becomes part of me and my story.
Last weekend I took my daughter on our second big adventure since Bryon passed away. My best friend from Maine, who had been living in Florida with her fiance, just relocated to Ann Arbor, Michigan. I looked at google maps and saw that it was about a nine hour drive. I ascertained that it would be long, but it was doable. The drive to my parents house in Maine is usually about 8 hours so this would only be a little longer. I decided to make this into a “runcation” (which I will write about in another race recap post.) To make an exciting weekend even better, my other best friend from Chicago decided to drive up with her daughter. In case you forgot, she was the one who consoled me as I sat on the floor in a Las Vegas casino crying a month ago.
I couldn’t seem to get my act together all week so I was packing on Friday morning and got a later start than I had wanted. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I had to remind myself that there were Targets in Michigan and if I forgot anything, I could just get it at Target, along with other stuff I don’t really need but I will decide I can’t live without. We finally got on the road around 9 am.
Our trip was pretty uneventful, though we ran into some snow but it was sunny by the time we were in Western, NY. Before we knew it, we were at Niagara Falls. My gas tank was just below a half of a tank but I stopped to fill my tank before entering Canada. Anyone who travels to Canada knows, gas is very expensive and it is wise to fill up on the United States side of the Border.
I was nervous crossing the border without Bryon because I had read on the internet that Canada was careful about children crossing the border without both parents. If you are a single parent traveling with a minor, you need a notarized letter from the other parents stating it’s okay. Well, Bryon wasn’t here to notarize any sort of letter. So I brought my daughters birth certificate along with a copy of Bryon’s death certificate. (We also have NEXUS cards) I was chatting with the Canadian Border agent who was very nice and she said it really was a concern when parents don’t bring any ID and it was clear I was my daughter’s mother. She did look at our NEXUS cards and my daughter’s birth certificate. The border agent said she didn’t need to look at Bryon’s death certificate but told me that it was a good idea to have it on me just in case.
My daughter finally fell asleep in Canada. The drive was long and uneventful with lots of farmland. Bryon and I had never traveled further than the Niagara region so Southern Ontario was all new territory. I found myself wishing he was on the trip with us. For starters, he would have been doing the driving. Second, we drove by so many places that would have excited him, like the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame. I imagine the conversation would have gone something like this:
Bryon: Let’s stop! It’s the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame!
Kerry: You don’t even like going to the American Baseball Hall of Fame. You think it’s lame.
Bryon: But Kerry…It’s the CANADIAN Baseball Hall of Fame.
Kerry: But…you aren’t that into baseball and a visit will take up a lot of time and we want to get to Michigan before it get’s dark.
Bryon: You are a Miss No-Fun.
I also thought fondly of Bryon as I drove by London, Ontario and saw the sign for the Labatt Brewery. He loved Labatt.
I was bored with the radio in the car and ended up listening to the CBC news. I decided that would be my cultural activity of the day since I would not be stopping at Tim Hortons, or the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame or the Labatt Brewery. I drove by a really large wind farm that went on for 45 minutes. Then I was finally in Windsor, Ontario and then I was crossing the Ambassador Bridge into Detroit. The Bridge was beautiful and I couldn’t take a picture because I was driving. There was a very large American flag. I don’t know if it is because I am generally a patriotic person or if it was because I was glad that my long drive was almost over but I started to belt out “America the Beautiful” when I saw that flag. My daughter was not impressed. I can’t blame her as I am not exactly a good singer. Actually my singing is not even tolerable. Poor girl.
We made it to Ann Arbor around 7:15 after google maps took us on an interesting drive in Detroit. I was so excited to see both of my best friends. Since I don’t use people’s names in this blog, I am going to refer to my friends as “my Maine best friend” and “my Chicago best friend”. And I will refer to my Maine best friend’s fiance as “the Scientist” because, well, he’s a scientist. We sat down and ate some Domino’s Pizza (which I learned is headquartered in Ann Arbor) and drank some Aldi wine (not too bad). My daughter was excited to see my Chicago best friends daughter and they wore princess dresses and chased each other until it was time for bed.
Good Night, MichiganAll tuckered out
I woke up early Saturday morning to make my run to Target to buy the items I forgot, along with those other items that I didn’t really need but decided I can’t live without. My Chicago best friend came with me and we decided to do the “divide and conquer” approach and I think we were out of there within 20 minutes. It was quite impressive.
After we returned to the house, we packed up to take the bus downtown. My daughter really enjoyed riding on the bus.
Who knew the bus could be so much fun?
The plan was to take the girls to the Natural History Museum at the University of Michigan. They had a great time running around and looking at the artifacts but they began to get tired and hungry. We had made it through the first two floors and the Scientist went up to check the third floor and said there wasn’t as much there so we decided to leave.
Natural History Museum at University of MichiganNatural History Museum at University of MichiganNatural History Museum at University of MichiganNatural History Museum at University of MichiganNatural History Museum at University of MichiganNatural History Museum at University of Michigan
I wanted to do some shopping so we stopped at The Den to buy my daughter and myself an article of clothing that said “Michigan” on it.
We then had lunch at Hopcat which was delicious and very reasonably priced. I had the tacos which were delicious. And I don’t know what the seasoning was on the crack fries, but they were amazing. My daughter learned the hard way that the hot sauce was not ketchup. There were some tears but I still think she handled better than some adults would have. The hot sauce was really hot.
Hopcat- Ann Arbor
Hopcat- Ann ArborThe attitude ❤
When we returned, I put my daughter down for a nap and my Chicago best friend stayed with the girls while my Maine best friend and I went to the race Expo which I will write about in another post. After we went to the Expo, we needed coffee so we went to a Meijer that also had a Starbucks. In 2007, I lived in Indiana for three months and I forgot how awesome Meijer was. It’s like, one of the seven wonders of the Midwest. Anyway we were in desperate need of caffeine and I also had to get the Starbucks You Are Here mugs. It’s my latest obsession. Anyone else into those mugs?
I was here.
After the girls woke up from their nap, we made plans to go to a Mexican restaurant, Los Amigos. The food was really good and I am a Mexican food snob. I was excited to see Chilaquiles on the menu because I think the only place I can get them locally is at El Mexicano in Saratoga. I was excited that they had a train. It was like Governor’s except it was a Mexican restaurant and we were in Michigan, not Maine.
Los Amigos- Ann ArborMy Maine Best Friends Sampler. I think it took her three days to eat all of it.Chilaquiles- Los Amigos, Ann Arbor
We were all exhausted Saturday night and didn’t stay up late.
Sunday was race morning which, again, I will write a separate race recap.
After the race, my Chicago best friend and her daughter left. My Maine best friend, my daughter and I drove 45 minutes to Dearborn to go to The Henry Ford. It was pricey but I felt like it was something you need to do in area. We were starving so we had lunch at a diner in the Museum. It was an actual diner car from 1946. Jut don’t expect to get a diet soda because when my Maine best friend tried to order one, the waiter informed her that there was no diet soda in 1946. However, the prices were not reflective of 1946 and they did accept credit cards.
The Henry FordThe Henry FordThe Henry Ford
My daughter took a cat nap on the car ride and was tired and was beginning to lose it after the cars, trains and planes so we decided to call it a trip. I didn’t feel too bad because my Maine best friend decided to buy the membership because she figured out that a membership would pay for itself in two trips. She also figured that this would be the place that out of town guests would want to go so a membership made sense.
The Henry FordThe Henry FordIt’s a Maine thingThe Henry Ford
We had a relaxing Sunday night. We ordered Chinese food for dinner and just hung out and went to bed early.
My daughter and I were on the road by 7am. We had a morning stop planned in Windsor, Ontario. When Bryon and I got engaged, I went on theknot.com and was active in the September 2012 board. Theknot.com was glitchy so we moved our group over the Facebook and we are still an active group. There have been so many milestones, babies, new jobs, new houses as well as divorces, illness and now death. I am the first widow of the group (though one of the ladies of the group was a widow who married her second love in Sept 2012) Anyway, one of the ladies on the board lives just out of Windsor (she blogs here) so my daughter and I met her at a Tim Hortons. I have known her online for over 5 years and it was exciting to finally meet her in person.
Friends and Tim Hortons in Windsor, Ontario
After our visit, we had a long car ride back. My daughter slept for about half of the Canada portion and none of the New York portion. We stopped for lunch at a rest stop just outside of Buffalo. The drive was long and uneventful and we made it home around 6 o’clock.
This adventure was still bittersweet. I didn’t miss Bryon as much as I did when I went to Vegas. Maybe that was because Vegas was the first adventure since Bryon passed. Maybe it was because both of my best friends were there which provided twice the distraction. But even though travelling without Bryon may have been easier, I still got sad when we passed the University of Michigan stadium because Bryon was such a sports fan and I knew he would have been excited. I guess I just have to have faith that he comes along with us in his way but I just wish he was physically still here to go on these adventures with us. I miss him so much but I must carry on for him, for my daughter and for myself. But it does make me feel good that I am still fulfilling the promise I made to him in the final hours of his life.
My weekend was a lot like other weekends. There were social engagements. There were errands that were done as well as errands that didn’t get done. I got some cleaning done and there was even more cleaning that didn’t get done. I wanted to take a nap but that didn’t happen. On Saturday evening, I was rushing around getting my daughter ready for her sitter and getting myself ready for a birthday dinner. Embracing a night where I wouldn’t need to be carrying a diaper bag, I grabbed a small clutch purse that I hadn’t used in a long time. I opened it and inside there was a shiny green toy baby. I looked at it for a second and then I remember that it was from our trip to New Orleans in 2014. I was nine weeks pregnant and we were going on a cruise (this was before Zika was a thing) and we spent a few days in New Orleans before the cruise. We had had dinner at Emeril’s restaurant NOLA. I don’t remember what Bryon ate but I remember that I had the fried chicken because my stomach couldn’t handle much else. For dessert I had iced cream and Bryon had King cake and this little toy baby was in the King Cake. Being the sentimental packrat I am, I saved it and forgot about it. There even is some frosting still dried onto it.
Now it is three years later. Our nine week old fetus is now an active two and a half year old girl and Bryon is dead. I don’t think this toy baby is a sign from heaven but it was a nice memory I had forgotten about. I thanked Bryon for that memory. As I clean out my house, it is likely that I am going to find more memories but I know over time these surprise memory triggers are going to become less frequent.
Our circle of friends always call ourselves “the family that we created.” Some members of our social circle know each other from college, or from politics or other organizations in Bryon’s life. Many of us are not from the Albany area and we live far from our own families so we do depend on each other like a family. Bryon’s sickness has also brought us closer together. We were there to comfort each other. They got me through the funeral and those early weeks of raw grief. We continue to help each other and support each other. Bryon’s death continues to bring us closer each day. Our souls are on some sort of journey and Bryon was in each of our lives for a reason and there is a reason that we are together now. We may not know, or ever know, the exact reason but there is a reason. We are all exactly where we are supposed to be.
During my conversations with close friends this weekend, we came to the realization that while Bryon might be physically dead, he is not really dead. He still has us laughing hard when we tell stories of his antics and those stories bring us comfort. While we share situations when we need Bryon’s guidance, we share the guidance he gave us when he was here. He truly lives on in our memories. While we may all be special and one of a kind, Bryon was different. He completely shattered the mold.
Our friendships have changed since Bryon died. Most of us in our circle have grown closer. We take the time to check in with each other more. We celebrate the events in our lives more and if there is no event to celebrate, we make up a reason. Being alive is a good reason. Every brunch together, every birthday dinner, every game night, we are meant to be together. We are in each other’s life for a reason. I may never make sense of why Bryon’s life had to be so short but I know that we were meant to be together for the short time we had and that it is because of Bryon that I have these amazing friendships and a whole bunch of happy memories. I have no idea where my life is going to end up, but wherever I go, it will be a result of the time I spent with Bryon as well as the time spent with my friends now. I don’t know how but these two factors are going to play a pivotal role in the rest of my journey on Earth.
Some friends have grown apart from our core group since his death and that’s okay. It’s natural. We are all moving forward. Forward doesn’t necessarily mean together. Just like some of us are in each others lives for a reason, there is a reason that people grow apart too. We are each on our own path and must follow it. Coming to this realization makes it easier to let go of any relationships that may be toxic because there is no reason for that to be in my life or my daughter’s life. Toxicity brings no value.
One thing none of us doubt is that Bryon is still playing a role in everything down here and we could very well just be pawns. There may be relationships I don’t have yet because Bryon still has it in the works. He was never one to play his best card right away. He is too smart for that. He has plans for all those close to him and he’s going to orchestrate it carefully. We just need to be patient.
I thought of this over the weekend when I brought my daughter to the birthday party of one of Bryon’s law school rugby teammates. I don’t know his teammate and his wife very well but they are great people and have always been kind of my daughter and me. They expressed an interest in our daughters being friends as they are close in age. Only time will tell if they become good friends of ours or if our daughters become close friends. But it is a good reminder to myself to not to get too comfortable with “the family that we created” and that I need to be open to the other friendships too. Because Bryon’s work may not be done. There could be people that are meant to be in my life that aren’t yet and it may take awhile for our paths to cross. Or maybe the friendships I have now will change and I need to be open to whatever those changes might be.
I certainly don’t know the meaning to everything or anything for that matter. I will never understand why Bryon had to die young. But I do think he was given more personality because he was here for a short time. I also think that maybe his soul was in some way more developed and therefore, he didn’t need to spend 80 years on this earth. But I know that he is still here and he is still working his magic and it gives me hope that maybe there are good things yet to come for me, my daughter and for everyone in our family that we created.
Running Forward...My Way 