Grief – Page 13 – Running Forward…My Way

The last first holiday

Published on July 3, 2017July 3, 2017 by kerrymckim2 Comments

One thing I have been told about grief is that the firsts are the hardest. I learned that quickly. I had the proverbial bandaid ripped off as your 31st birthday was the day after the funeral and my birthday came two days after that. The following month included our daughter’s second birthday and our 4th wedding anniversary.

Then the holidays followed.

Halloween came and went. Our daughter dressed up as a cheerleader. We were invited to go trick or treating with friends followed by some chili. We had a good time.

Thanksgiving came and went. We spent it with my family in New Hampshire. Four generations came together. I made most of dinner and baked three pies which you would think was a waste of time but I enjoy the process of baking. I squeezed in time in Maine and Boston.

Christmas came and went. It was spent with our Albany Family. Feliz Navidad Brunch and an Italian Feast that can’t be beat.

New Years came and went. I got to say good-bye to 2016 (literally the worst year of my life) and I welcomed 2017. We stayed up to see Mariah Carey make a fool of herself. Be glad you weren’t there to see that. The festivities continued the next day at the New Beginnings Brunch.

Valentine’s Day came and went. We celebrated at the Toddler 3 class party. Friends sent packages and our favorite golden retriever, Carter, told his parents to buy us roses which Carter’s father did.

Easter came and went. There were several Easter egg hunts, a ham dinner and dyeing of Easter eggs.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day came and went. Holidays that I couldn’t distract myself with company.

And now it’s the Fourth of July.

The last first holiday without you.

Sure, there is Bastile Day but we didn’t celebrate that. I am sure you could come up with some other random holidays that we didn’t celebrate just to frustrate me and keep me from making my point.

The Fourth of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. If you were still alive, we’d spent the 3rd with your best friends family on the lake and on the 4th, we’d go to a baseball game. Because what is more American than baseball and fireworks? And I would get annoyed with you because you used to work at Disney and you knew how fireworks were choreographed. You knew every firework move before they happened.

Since your death, some traditions have changed.

I haven’t gone to any baseball games since you were gone. Part of the reason is that you had a friendship with the lady at the beer stand. She loved you and I don’t know if she knows if you have died. And I don’t want to have to tell her. I know she will be crushed if she doesn’t already know. I avoid people who may not have known. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to cry in public.

But some traditions will stay the same.

Our daughter and I will be with your best friends family at the lake. My heart hurts to think that you aren’t going to be there. We had a lot of memories at those parties. The fireworks, the boat rides and the amazing food. You always brought Sam Summer ale. And who can forget when I was 30 weeks pregnant and I pressed the wrong button on the bidet and for about 10 seconds I thought my water had broke.

There is no way around it, you will be missed. But I know that I am not the only person who will be missing you at the party. Your best friends family is an extension of our family. Last year when you were in the ICU and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find a babysitter, they gladly took our daughter for the day so I could sit with you. We were hopeful that you were going to recover and be there with us today.

But as we all know, you won’t be there. Because you are dead.

The fact your best friend’s family still include us the same as they did when you were alive means more to me than I can ever express in spoken or written word. They are part of our family whether their son marries our daughter or not. (We are still taking pictures for the rehearsal dinner slide show just in case). Whether they get married or not, I think it is safe to say that they will grow up together.

We will try not to dwell on your absence too much. I know you wouldn’t want that.

And also, you will be there in spirit. At least that is what people tell me. Like, all the time. I think they mean well. I think they think that by saying it that makes me feel better but it doesn’t. Even if it’s true, we all know you are dead and that it’s not the same.

Part of me is relieved that all the first holidays will be done. But then I realize that there will still be a whole bunch of firsts.

Later this month I will go to my first wedding without you.

Weddings. I won’t have you to dance with me. We won’t be coordinating outfits. And I can’t just absentmindedly choose the chicken dish knowing that I can have a taste of your beef dish. You won’t be there getting enraged if someone chooses First Corinthians for their reading. I won’t hear you rant about how Paul wasn’t talking about romantic love, that he was talking about the love of The Church.

You won’t be there for all our daughter’s firsts. Her first day of kindergarten. Her first recital. Her first sports competition. Her first time riding a bike without training wheels. Her first date. (You might be dead, but I am sure your blood pressure just went up). You will miss all her big days. Her graduations. Her prom. Her wedding. You won’t be there to meet her children.

And then I think of all the firsts that I never thought I would ever have to repeat. Especially at this stage of my life. I don’t want to think about these firsts. Not yet. I miss you too much. But eventually I am going to have to think about it. I am not going to lie, I am kind of angry that I am in this position. I was happy with you. Sure, we had our problems, but I was happy. We were a good team. But you taught me how to love and you made me a better person so I know my story isn’t over yet. I also think it’s ironic. Loving you made me a better person and you don’t even get to experience it. Someone else might but not you. Seems like a twisted joke. This whole ordeal (crisis? nightmare? my life?) seems like a twisted joke.

So tomorrow (technically later today as I write this) we will miss you more than anyone can imagine. We will be comforted by each other’s company. And we know that you will be there, whether it’s “in spirit” as everyone tells me, or if it’s because you are a part of us now or a combination of the two.

Late night ramblings of a widow

Published on July 1, 2017July 1, 2017 by kerrymckim6 Comments

In my younger days I was a night owl. I was happiest when the world was quiet and the sky was dark. I used to believe I was most creative at night. I worked on some of my best arts and craft projects at night.

But now I hate the nighttime. My years with Bryon had ended my night owl habits because Bryon was not a night owl and he didn’t like it when I stayed up. I did get reacquainted with the wee hours when my daughter was born and thrilled to find that I could find episodes of Blossom and Step by Step playing. Love me some 1990’s Patrick Duffy.

I find now that even if I am exhausted, I will find whatever reason I can put off going to bed. I will work late. I will watch TV. I will read a book. I will attempt to clean. I will write pointless blog posts like this one that people won’t read because the title will be depressing and not controversial. But I put off going to sleep every night because I miss Bryon. I think back to all our arguments where we accused the other that they were hogging the bed. I know it wasn’t me, but it doesn’t seem fair to point that out since he is not here to defend himself. I think about our arguments where I got mad because he liked to sleep with the TV on and I wanted silence. I also think about how I got annoyed because he was a cuddler and I am not. (I just wanted to sleep).

And now I lie in bed alone every night and I miss him. So I stay awake until I am so tired that I know I will fall asleep almost immediately.

I miss Bryon. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss my co-parent.

I miss sharing stories from my day with him.

I miss having him to turn to if I need advice.

I miss his big bear hugs.

I miss our conversations which could be on any topic from World Peace to our last poop.

Instead it is just me.

Alone.

It’s not fair. I was happy with my life. I don’t know we did to deserve this. Why does everyone else get to have seemingly normal, happy lives where I have one that is filled with sadness and pain?

I don’t know why this had to happen? The whole thing is senseless.

I will always replay what happened in my head. Though there was nothing I could do. I can still feel how helpless I felt as Bryon was clinging to his life. I was at the mercy of the doctors and God and both failed us.

I am so tired of people defending God to me. Everyone seems to love that guy, except me. I don’t understand how people can expect me to be able to love the being that took Bryon from me. Nope.

It dawned on me today that I don’t ever have to get married again. Some people live their lives without ever being happily married and I was. The only problem was that I expected it last many decades like my parents and grandparents. This was not how I envisioned it ending.

We full-filled our marriage vows. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I have done all the married living I am going to do. Maybe I am in a post-married phase that most people don’t ever get to experience. Maybe I am meant to live the life of an eccentric yet adventurous old lady. Maybe I should raise my daughter and then get an apartment in Paris. I always wanted to live in Paris. Or maybe I will buy a farmhouse on the Maine coast. The possibilities are endless.

What Bryon and I had was real. I knew true love. I am pretty certain it will never happen again because lightning doesn’t strike twice.

I am somewhere between being a constant emotional mess and a shell of the person I used to be.

And the last thing I want to do is date even if I want male attention. But I know I want attention for the wrong reasons.

I followed rules. I played it safe my whole life. And I still wind up in a painful existence. Maybe I should have thrown more caution to the wind in my younger days. I should have been carefree but I spent all my time worrying about things that didn’t matter.

Somedays I will think I am in a good place. Then all it takes is one memory or one song to undo my good day. And don’t get me started on Facebooks “On This Day.”

For my daughter: what your father taught me about love

Published on June 29, 2017June 29, 2017 by kerrymckimLeave a comment

For my daughter:

They say that a girl learns how she is supposed to be treated by observing how her father treats her mother. Unfortunately, you will not see this firsthand. You will learn about other kind of love from all the people in your life that love you. But you will not see how your father and I loved each other. So this is my attempt to write down, the best I can, what I learned from your father’s and my love.

True love does exist. You might have to wait for it, but it exists. I had given up on the idea of falling in love. Part of that was my own fault. We come from an Irish family and showing affection and love is not our strength. We are not usually warm and fuzzy. I never let my guard down. I still don’t know why your father thought I was special and worked for my affections but I am happy he did.
It’s okay to have standards but still keep your heart open. I had a list of ten items. The top three were Republican, Catholic and a Red Sox fan. Almost everyone thought I was nuts and told me I was being unreasonable. (The irony is now the only one of those three I can say I am with any certainty is a Red Sox fan. These days I feel “meh” about religion and politics.) The fourth item was being Irish which your father was ⅛ Irish so that might be stretching it. I can’t remember much of the rest of the list except I wanted a man that could provide intelligent conversation (check), a man who like to travel (check) and a man who had depth to his personality (check). I wanted a man who could to the symphony and wine tasting one night and go to a baseball game, drink beer and eat hot dogs the next. I was told that one was unreasonable but it described your father perfectly. I also wanted an older man. I almost didn’t give your father a chance because I was stuck on the age issue. You have to be honest in what you are looking for but you also have to know when to be open.
If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Your father and I were not a likely pair. I was 7 years (actually 6 years and 363 days) older than him. We also lived 7 hours apart. I was not looking for a younger man or for a long distance relationship. Your father wasn’t initially looking for a long distance relationship either. Your father would text me and say he liked older woman and I pretty much would text back with “well, good for you.” Your father pursued and I resisted but in the end, it happened and there was nothing to stop it. We fell in love. We fell hard and we fell fast. It was meant to be.
You are worthy of a nice dinner. It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. A friend of mine who is like a big brother to me once said that if a guy takes you to a chain restaurant on your first date, then there shouldn’t be a second. I told this to your father and he agreed 100%. Granted, your father generally had a disdain for all chain restaurants (except Texas Roadhouse and Chili’s) but you are unique and he should not take you to a generic place.
Love brings out the best in you. The right one will make you want to be the best version of yourself. They will see the best in you. You will strive to be a better person when in love.
Love with care- choose your words wisely. Your father and I were/are both passionate people and we had some heated disagreements. We were both guilty of saying things that we didn’t mean. Choose your words carefully. Love can be strong but life is fragile. Even though we were both guilty of it, I am haunted by those words. Even if you forgive each other and make up, you can’t take words back.
You don’t know how much you love someone until they are at death’s door. Your father and I lived a busy life and we didn’t always take time to enjoy our love quietly. But there were many days that defined our love. Days where I thought I couldn’t love your father more than I already did. The evening we got engaged at Mahar’s. Our wedding day. The day you were born. Each of these events made us realize greater depths of our love. I remember being in labor and I was cursing everyone and everything (sorry but it was true, labor is no joke!) I remember your father saying he loved me so much and that he never loved me more than he did at that moment. My love reached its culminating point when he was at death’s door. You don’t know how much you love someone until you realize that they could be gone at any moment.
Love doesn’t die. A person will die but the love that exists doesn’t die. When your father and I made our wedding vows, we vowed to love and honor each other, all the days of our lives. Your father may not be here anymore, but I still love him and honor him and I know wherever he is, he loves me too.

Why I didn’t participate in International Widow’s Day

Published on June 24, 2017 by kerrymckim2 Comments

Today was International Widows Day and I chose not a participate. For starters, I was supposed to take a selfie at 7pm and at 7pm, I am chasing my daughter around the house trying to get her ready for bed. It had been a busy day. It didn’t matter that I was actually having a good hair day.

But that’s not the real reason I don’t participate.

I don’t want the fact that I am a widow to define me.

I admire the widows who participate. I just can’t bring myself to.

I am not ashamed to be a widow. I am Bryon’s widow. I would prefer to be his wife but I have to settle for being his widow. He was here for a short time, lived his life to the fullest and he chose me to be the leading lady in his life. I wish our years together were longer but I am happy I got the time I had with him.

I share my story. I have been very open about my grief process. So open that I post some of my most private and intimate thoughts on the Internet.

I share my story because I want people to understand what a widow, especially a young widow goes through. I want people to understand what my grief is really like.

I share my story because I want to help other widows. It helps to know that you aren’t alone. While every story is different and everyone handles grief differently, there are a lot of similarities.

I share my story because I want to preserve it for my daughter. This is part of her story too but she won’t remember. I want my account to be a good history for her.

I share my story to help others understand grief. We hide under the sadness and scars but we are there. Most of us are a stronger version of our older self but we are there.

I share my story but I don’t want my widowhood status to define me. During Bryon’s ICU stay, I told him at one point that we will get through this and that this horrific event will not define him. Bryon was fully aware but could not speak due to a tracheotomy but he nodded with determination. I could tell he appreciated that I still saw him for who he was and not the medical conditions that he had.

It’s the same for me. This has been a horrific event in my life. It has shaped who I have become but it doesn’t define me. I still want people to see me for who I am, not just someone who had one of her worst nightmares come true.

So even though I share my story, I will not be participating in International Widows Day.

Announcing our giveaway winner

Published on June 23, 2017June 23, 2017 by kerrymckimLeave a comment

We are heading to the family cottage for the 4th. So excited to relax on the beach, celebrate the holiday, ride the boat and do water activities with my beautiful 4yr old daughter and her extended family.

Congratulations Autumn! Sounds like you and the other entrants have some great summer plans.

Please send your contact information to Kerryannmckim at gmail dot com so I can send you your prize.

My Kimmy Gibbler

Published on June 22, 2017 by kerrymckim19 Comments

Yesterday Facebook let me know that Kimmy Gibbler and I became friends 8 years ago.

We actually became friends earlier than that. In September 2008. Bryon and I had been dating for 6 weeks. I came out to Albany and it was the weekend of LarkFest. I was impressed (and intimidated) by her Chanel eyeliner and her fancy sunglasses. Bryon and I had not had that awkward “what are we” conversation yet and she referred to me as Bryon’s girlfriend. From that point on, Bryon referred to me as his girlfriend. She saved us from having to have that conversation.

Through the years, we were friendly. We’d see each other at various parties and sporting events. But she was closer to Bryon, but most people were.

We had our kids 18 months apart. She was at my daughter’s Christening.

She was at Bryon’s 30th birthday party. It was a fun night with hibachi. We did not know that it would end up being his last.

Then Bryon got sick. She came by the hospital. She made Bryon laugh and she brought me coffee.

Then Bryon died. I forgot to wear my pearls that Bryon got me on our honeymoon in St. Thomas. She offered me hers. I didn’t take them, but I told her that she reminded me of Robin Scherbatsky and how she was Vice-Girl at Marshall’s father’s funeral.

She was there for me through those rough early weeks. She stayed with me when I started crying after having too much wine. She never once told me how to grieve or how to feel. She just listened. And she listens to hear what you have to say, not just to respond.

The Sunday before Christmas I woke up feeling sick. I couldn’t get myself off the couch. Not the best position to be in when you have a two-year-old. But she came over and made me drink apple cider vinegar tea. She swears by apple cider vinegar. It didn’t taste good, but it made me feel better. It is now my go-to when sick. That and coconut oil. Kimmy Gibbler loves coconut oil.

People may see our banter back and forth on Facebook, but people don’t realize that that is actually a small amount of our interaction. One time we had three different conversations at once, one on Facebook, one on Facebook messenger and one via text. And it wasn’t on purpose.

I can message her whenever. It can be when grief is hitting me hard or if I just want to randomly (but passionately) say that I don’t like the Uncle Jesse/Aunt Becky storyline on Fuller House. And she will respond thoughtfully in each scenario.

She understands my humor, which is some weird combination of cheesiness, sarcasm, and being wildly inappropriate. I have never once shocked her.

We know to adult and be good moms. But at times we act like two teenage girls. We might be known to giggle and tee-hee at times. Especially when we hear Bryan Adams.

We work well as a pair. I am the visionary and come up with the crazy ideas. She is the planner and executes them.

She is always up for an adventure, even with the kids. We are both history geeks and we took the kids to Philadelphia (I will write about that trip soon, I promise).

I found out that there was an Amato’s in Ticonderoga and she was crazy enough to take a road trip with me. With our two kids. I was so scared that the Italians were not going to be as good as I remembered them but they were. We then drove through Washington County (I think) and then over to Vermont to look for a cheese shop and a chocolate museum that I remembered visiting with Bryon. We found a cheese shop, but it was closed and we couldn’t find the chocolate museum. Luckily we found a chocolate shop in Bennington. The kids seemed just as excited.

Sometimes I curl my hair like DJ on Fuller House. I don’t do it every day like DJ because I am a real person, not a TV character and I do not have daily access to make up artists and hairstylists. I told her that I am like DJ because we are both widows, except DJ has amazing hair and a hot boyfriend while I have neither. I told my friend that would make her my Kimmy Gibbler. She accepted her new role (as if she had a choice!)

We sat at Bryon’s grave yesterday. She brought him a Stewarts Mountain Brew Tall Boy (which still does not have rugby listed as one of the activities you can enjoy while drinking a Mountain Brew). We talked about how it sometimes it feels like yesterday that he died and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. We talked about much we miss him, but we know we wouldn’t be close friends If he were still alive. She also told me how much I have changed since Bryon had died and how she never knew who I was before.

She was the one of the first people to help me embrace my new self and grow as a person. We will never know why Bryon had to die, but I truly think that my friendship with Kimmy Gibbler is one of the biggest gifts that Bryon gave me. I can’t imagine my life without my Kimmy Gibbler.

10 Months

Published on June 21, 2017 by kerrymckim9 Comments

I found this picture of us from our last cruise one month before you got sick. It was still in the plastic wrapper. It is likely the last picture taken of our family. I can’t help but look at it and think of all our plans. We had our whole lives ahead of us.

It’s hard to believe that you have been gone for 10 months. That is almost a year.

I still have moments where it doesn’t seem real that you are gone. Moments where the memories are so vivid that it feels like you are in the present. That you aren’t gone.

And then I realize that you are gone.

Sometimes I can move on from those moments with simple acknowledgement of the memory. Sometimes I might even smile.

Other times I get overwhelmed with emotion. I feel the grief that goes down to my bones, albeit briefly. I cry.

I ask myself why. Why did this have to happen? Why you? Why me? Why us? Stuff like this wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Not that I would ever wish this on anyone.

I think about all the suffering you went through and tears well up in my eyes.

I think about how you will not see our daughter grow up.

We will not grow old together.

You will never be the old man that you looked forward to being.

Although you are on my mind constantly, there are times that I begin to think that I am getting used to you being gone. I am starting to forget many of the aspects of our life together. Sometimes I am scared that with every step forward I take, that is one step further away from our life and our dreams. But I know I can’t live in the past forever. It’s not healthy. And I know you would not want that.

No matter what happens in my life, I will never forget you. And I will always love you.

I am not marrying a Texas rancher.

Published on June 20, 2017June 20, 2017 by kerrymckim2 Comments

Members of my Albany family often get together for dinner. Witty banter is exchanged, like a real family. My daughter fights with my best friend’s son as if they are siblings. Last night dinner was at my house. I made several dishes from The Homesick Texan’s cookbooks (yes, I have both.) Anything I have ever made from her cookbooks is a hit. I highly recommend them. We started joking that my husband should be a Texas rancher. Except I can’t move to Texas so he would have to set up a ranch in our suburban town.

I may have posted a joke about this on social media as my sense of humor can be inappropriate at times. Part of it is my personality. If you follow the Meyers-Briggs philosophy, I am an INFJ. My blog friend Jessica is an INFJ as well and she often writes about INFJ problems. She so gets me. One of her recent posts is about INFJ humor and our ability to tell jokes that make others uncomfortable. The other part of my inappropriate sense of humor is dark humor, which is typical of widows. The way I look at it is, if you have lived through dark times, then you can joke about it.

But I want to be clear, I am not marrying a rancher from Texas.

I am not marrying anyone.

I am not dating anyone.

I am not sleeping with anyone. (Though it would not be anyone’s business if I was sleeping with anyone and no one’s place to judge. I am just not interested. Besides, I would probably start crying halfway through this activity and I am pretty sure that is not considered a turn-on. Though some people are into some weird stuff so you never know).

I am not marrying anyone. I was married to a man who was the love of my life and my best friend. I don’t know if there are even words to describe the love between us. We were a team and we fit. Sure, we had problems and arguments, but got through them. We both had strong personalities and we had our groove. We supported one another as individuals and as a part of our team. Bryon was the first man I ever let my guard down too and he never let me down.

My Grandma Sullivan was widowed when she was 76 and was never remarried before she died at the age of 90. I remember her joking about two things with me. One was that she was going to buy a pair of jeans (though she called them dungarees). The second thing she joked about was getting a boyfriend. I didn’t see a problem with it, but I remember my grandmother just saying that she could never find a man who would compare to my grandfather. My grandmother was an Irish woman and she was not one to express emotions and my younger self didn’t detect any emotion in her comment but now I know that comment was full of emotion. Now I totally understand exactly what she was saying.

Will I ever remarry? Possibly. I was good at being a wife. I can cook. I am not bothered if dinner is interrupted by a work call. I don’t mind sports being on the TV. Oh, and I will stay by your side when you are sick. But I really hope that Bryon’s situation doesn’t happen to anyone again, especially anyone I know. But right now I struggle to think anyone could capture my heart like Bryon did. There was only one of him and he was perfect. I doubt there is anyone out there that would be perfect for my broken heart or could understand what a widow goes through.

Will I ever date? Someday, maybe, but right now I feel “meh” about it. I have never been good at dating and I just don’t have any desire to enter the meat market. Plus, I know that even the best relationships are work and right now I am not ready for that kind of work. Especially when most guys would probably be mediocre. I have spent my life trying to do well in all my roles- the good wife, the good mother, the good daughter, the good friend. Those roles are important, but there was one area I was never concerned about and that was being good to myself. I need to sort out who I really am as opposed to who I have been expected to be.

So I am not marrying anyone and I am not dating anyone and I don’t plan on doing either anytime soon. Oh, and I am not sleeping with anyone and I don’t plan on doing that anytime soon either. Until I am ready for any of those things, I have so many things to do. I have a story I need to write. I need to figure out where I stand with God and I need to decide if there is any point to being religious. I have a nightstand with three ridiculously tall piles of books I need to read. I have races to train for. I have places to travel to and weddings to attend. I have a stack of cookbooks full of recipes that I need to try. I have crime TV shows to watch even if they scare me and then I can’t sleep. I have a garden to tend to. I have a house to redecorate. And all of this gets worked around my daughter’s schedule and spending time with my friends. And once I know what my daughters dreams are, then some of our adventures will revolve around that. Right now I know she likes gymnastics and aquariums.

After I accomplish all of this, then we will see about the whole love bit.

My first giveaway!

Published on June 19, 2017June 22, 2017 by kerrymckim20 Comments

Happy Monday!

A month or two ago when Sheryl Sandberg’s book Option B came out, I bought a second copy with the intention of giving it away to a reader. This book isn’t just for widows. And then I put the book on my dining room table and forgot about it.

Recently my blog hit 20,000 pageviews and I have 100 WordPress followers. So I thought what better way to celebrate than do that giveaway!

This book is applicable to anyone who has had any kind of loss whether it is a loss of a spouse, family member, a divorce or a loss of a job or career.

I am not one for rules so it will be pretty simple.

Contest is open to residents of U.S. and Canada (excluding Quebec).
To enter, just comment on this blog post and tell me one fun thing you plan to do this summer.
One entry per person.
Any anonymous comments will be deleted.
Family members are not eligible.
Contest ends on Thursday, June 22, 2017 at 11:59 pm EST.
Winner will be announced on the blog on Friday, June 23, 2017 st 8:00 am EST.
Book will be mailed out once it is claimed.

So what fun thing do you plan to do this summer?

Father’s Day without you

Published on June 18, 2017June 19, 2017 by kerrymckim1 Comment

Here we are. Father’s Day. The second to last first holiday without you. Unlike all the other holidays, I couldn’t just go through the motions since this holiday is centered around you. Each holiday was drastically different, but I still had events to distract me.

On Halloween, our daughter and I were invited to go trick or treating with friends in a neighboring town. Our daughter was a cheerleader. There were other kids who were our daughters age and she had a blast. She totally understood the concept and would run up to each door and do a happy dance each time she received candy.

On Thanksgiving the family met at my brothers in New Hampshire and I cooked dinner. I also ran a Turkey Trot and at one water station they were giving out beer. I took one because I knew that you would been disappointed if did not. I only managed a sip.

On Christmas, our daughter and I continued to see our friends. Instead of continuing Christmas Eve afternoon at the pub, some of us started the new tradition of Feliz Navidad Brunch. We visited your grave. We went to Mass even if I still think the whole religion and praying thing is pointless. Santa may have gone overboard with Amazon Prime.

Our friends and I stayed up on New Years Eve. Mariah Carey was so bad that it was epic. I made poblano macaroni and cheese, which is a crowd favorite. I learned to make it after you died so you have never tasted it, but you would have loved it. We went to New Beginnings Brunch the next day.

Valentine’s Day was filled with love from our friends. They didn’t forget about us. Even Carter the dog thought to get us roses.

I made a ham on Easter. We colored Easter eggs and we went out for ice cream.

Mother’s Day was spent at Baby Animal Day at Indian Ladder Farm.

But today I couldn’t avoid the fact that you were not here. I kept thinking about how you were looking forward to our daughter being this age. You were so excited for her to start talking. You couldn’t wait to hear the funny things she was going to say. I know you would have had some pretty ridiculous conversations with her.

I just not fair that she is going to grow up without you. All these other kids get their fathers and she doesn’t. She doesn’t remember life with you so she seems content that it is just me and her. But I always think about how life should have been. If you were still alive, we would be planning on having a second kid soon.

One thing that struck me today is that our daughter is always asking why. I always answer because I like to think she is trying to figure out how the world works. But today when I told her you were in Heaven. I braced for the “why?” but she didn’t ask why. I know that question is coming. Don’t worry, she will know all about you. She will know you loved her very much and that you still do.

So today we visited your grave. I cried because this isn’t how we were supposed to be celebrating Father’s Day. We should have spent the day doing whatever you wanted to do. But instead, I spent the day thinking about how you are not here. There will be no pictures on Facebook of you spending time with our daughter.

I did decide that we would go out for ice cream since you wouldn’t want us to spend the day being sad. But please know that no matter what happens in life, you will always be missed.

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