I found this picture of us from our last cruise one month before you got sick. It was still in the plastic wrapper. It is likely the last picture taken of our family. I can’t help but look at it and think of all our plans. We had our whole lives ahead of us.
It’s hard to believe that you have been gone for 10 months. That is almost a year.
I still have moments where it doesn’t seem real that you are gone. Moments where the memories are so vivid that it feels like you are in the present. That you aren’t gone.
And then I realize that you are gone.
Sometimes I can move on from those moments with simple acknowledgement of the memory. Sometimes I might even smile.
Other times I get overwhelmed with emotion. I feel the grief that goes down to my bones, albeit briefly. I cry.
I ask myself why. Why did this have to happen? Why you? Why me? Why us? Stuff like this wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Not that I would ever wish this on anyone.
I think about all the suffering you went through and tears well up in my eyes.
I think about how you will not see our daughter grow up.
We will not grow old together.
You will never be the old man that you looked forward to being.
Although you are on my mind constantly, there are times that I begin to think that I am getting used to you being gone. I am starting to forget many of the aspects of our life together. Sometimes I am scared that with every step forward I take, that is one step further away from our life and our dreams. But I know I can’t live in the past forever. It’s not healthy. And I know you would not want that.
No matter what happens in my life, I will never forget you. And I will always love you.