Late night ramblings of a widow

In my younger days I was a night owl. I was happiest when the world was quiet and the sky was dark.  I used to believe I was most creative at night.  I worked on some of my best arts and craft projects at night.  

But now I hate the nighttime.  My years with Bryon had ended my night owl habits because Bryon was not a night owl and he didn’t like it when I stayed up.  I did get reacquainted with the wee hours when my daughter was born and thrilled to find that I could find episodes of Blossom and Step by Step playing.   Love me some 1990’s Patrick Duffy.

I find now that even if I am exhausted, I will find whatever reason I can put off going to bed.  I will work late.  I will watch TV.  I will read a book.  I will attempt to clean.  I will write pointless blog posts like this one that people won’t read because the title will be depressing and not controversial.  But I put off going to sleep every night because I miss Bryon.  I think back to all our arguments where we accused the other that they were hogging the bed.  I know it wasn’t me, but it doesn’t seem fair to point that out since he is not here to defend himself.  I think about our arguments where I got mad because he liked to sleep with the TV on and I wanted silence.  I also think about how I got annoyed because he was a cuddler and I am not.  (I just wanted to sleep).

And now I lie in bed alone every night and I miss him.  So I stay awake until I am so tired that I know I will fall asleep almost immediately.

I miss Bryon.  I miss my husband.  I miss my best friend.  I miss my co-parent.

I miss sharing stories from my day with him.

I miss having him to turn to if I need advice.

I miss his big bear hugs.

I miss our conversations which could be on any topic from World Peace to our last poop.

Instead it is just me.  

Alone.

It’s not fair.  I was happy with my life.  I don’t know we did to deserve this.  Why does everyone else get to have seemingly normal, happy lives where I have one that is filled with sadness and pain?

I don’t know why this had to happen? The whole thing is senseless.

I will always replay what happened in my head.  Though there was nothing I could do.  I can still feel how helpless I felt as Bryon was clinging to his life.  I was at the mercy of the doctors and God and both failed us. 

I am so tired of people defending God to me.  Everyone seems to love that guy, except me.  I don’t understand how people can expect me to be able to love the being that took Bryon from me.  Nope.

It dawned on me today that I don’t ever have to get married again.  Some people live their lives without ever being happily married and I was.  The only problem was that I expected it last many decades like my parents and grandparents.  This was not how I envisioned it ending.

We full-filled our marriage vows.  Maybe that’s it.  Maybe I have done all the married living I am going to do.  Maybe I am in a post-married phase that most people don’t ever get to experience.  Maybe I am meant to live the life of an eccentric yet adventurous old lady.  Maybe I should raise my daughter and then get an apartment in Paris.  I always wanted to live in Paris.  Or maybe I will buy a farmhouse on the Maine coast.  The possibilities are endless.  

What Bryon and I had was real. I knew true love.  I am pretty certain it will never happen again because lightning doesn’t strike twice.  

I am somewhere between being a constant emotional mess and a shell of the person I used to be.

And the last thing I want to do is date even if I want male attention.  But I know I want attention for the wrong reasons.

I followed rules. I played it safe my whole life.  And I still wind up in a painful existence. Maybe I should have thrown more caution to the wind in my younger days.  I should have been carefree but I spent all my time worrying about things that didn’t matter.

Somedays I will think I am in a good place.  Then all it takes is one memory or one song to undo my good day.  And don’t get me started on Facebooks “On This Day.”

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6 thoughts on “Late night ramblings of a widow

  1. Great post and ditto all around
    Love the part about playing it safe and still getting hurt! Me too! Now I’m throwing caution to the wind and taking risks! I used to be a night owl but I don’t know what I am now. The nights are the loneliest. Keep on keeping.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the reminder to let Jimmy watch his late night tv (that I don’t watch) and to not be annoyed by his snuggle & bed hogging (that’s all him). And YES to eccentric old lady and Paris!

    Liked by 1 person

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