Category: The Second Year

For my daughter: your birth story

Published on by kerrymckim3 Comments

You were supposed to be born on or before September 14, 2014.  But you had other plans.

On Thursday, September 18, 2014 I woke up around 4 am and I was convinced I was in labor.  You father was too and he started to pack his bag.  He said we were having a baby that day.

I called the OB/Gyn.  They told me to come in which we did.

They hooked me up to the machine to measure contractions.

Your father tells me about how someone asked him how many centimeters dilated I was.  Your father said that he thought it was weird, that that person was asking about my vagina- his wife’s vagina.  I said that that person wasn’t asking in that way and it didn’t matter because I had heard that when you are delivering a baby, you don’t care.  Your father then said “Like that time on Saved by the Bell when Zack had to deliver Mr. Belding’s baby in an elevator.”  I said “Now that would have been awkward.”

We sat there for a half an hour and the contractions had stopped.  We weren’t having a baby that day.  But we scheduled an induction for Monday, September 22, 2014.

I was in a bad mood and I didn’t go back into work.  I was tired of people asking me where the baby was.

The next day, Friday, September 19, 2014 and it started out just like the day before except your father didn’t get excited pack a bag.  The morning passed but my contractions were still 10 minutes apart.  I took a nap.  I kept having to stand up.  I had back labor and it hurt.  I told your father that you were going to be an only child.

Your father had refused to take any childbirth classes.  He remembered seeing an episode of Murphy Brown where she took a childbirth class and the other parents were tools.  He didn’t want to be in a class with tools.  For an extremely intelligent man, he sure had times where he had trouble separating fictional TV scenarios and real life.

I was in the middle of a contraction and your father said “Maybe we should have taken that childbirth class…”

I look at him.  He told me that when I looked at him, he couldn’t tell if I was going to laugh or if I wanted to murder him.

Evening came and contractions were still 8-10 minutes apart.  I told your father that I heard walking helped with labor so we went to the mall.  So it was a busy Friday night at the mall and your father and I just slowly walked the perimeter of the mall.  We stopped every 8-10 minutes.

During the overnight, my contractions finally got closer together.  We went to the hospital around 3 am.  I had been in labor for about 24 hours at this point.

I got my epidural and like was good for several hours.  They thought I would be pushing around 3 pm.

Well 3 pm became 4 pm.  And then 5 pm.  And 6 pm.

You could say I was not a happy camper.

I just wanted you out of me.

It was decided that after 42 hours of labor, I was going to have a C-section.

They doctors were getting ready.  Your father put on scrubs.  The anethesiologist asked if anyone had a questions.  Your father said he did.  The anethesiologist is polite and said “okay…” and your father gestures toward the scrubs and asks “Does this make me look fat?”  The anethesiologist burst out laughing.

Your father also used that joke on the nurses and they thought he was hysterical.  Your father was proud.

So I will spare you the details of the c-section.  I do remember that once you were born, they asked your father to announce if you were a boy or girl as we didn’t find out.  He just stood there looking at you.  I couldn’t take the suspense and I said “Well, did we have a Maddy or a William?”  Your father just smiled in awe and said you were a girl.

The second you were out of me, I was given morphine.  I remember that I was suddenly transported from the operating room to a yellow foam fun house and I thought it was awesome.  Your father was there with me in the fun house wearing his scrubs.  And then as quickly as I was transported there, the fun house just melted away and I was back in the operating room.  But your father didn’t move.

I kept talking about the yellow foam fun house.  My obstetrician said that she was starting to get jealous because this yellow foam fun house sounded cool.  I kept alternating between being excited about the foam fun house and being excited about your birth.

Since I was too drugged up, your father held you first.  They placed you in his arms and the first thing he said was “Oh my God.  You are so cute.”

I stayed in the hospital for several days.  The highlights:

1)  You saw Top Gun with your father when you were a day old.

2) Your father watched the Bills with you on his laptop.

10710471_922229258363_9009366494543042704_o

3) At one point you were crying and he was holding you.  He started to sing to you but it wasn’t helping.  I was half asleep and said “She likes “Let’s Hear It For The Boy'”  (You did in utero).  Your father then sang the whole song, word for word.  I feel like I should be surprised that he knew the words but I am not.  And it worked.  You stopped crying.

10672328_10153243106652841_8930018211075930362_n

We celebrated your first birthday a day early on Saturday, September 19, 2015.  We didn’t want your party to be overshadowed by the Bills playing.  We had a Minnie Mouse theme and a taco bar.

11219339_10154029575967841_298581145147982966_n

11845188_518418831645496_5956710906307055816_o

When we celebrated your first birthday, we had no idea that it was going to be your last birthday with your father.

As we celebrate your second birthday without him, it still feels unreal.  The only birthday he was at is the one you definitely won’t remember.

It is just so unfair.

At least once a day, I think about how you are going to grow up without him, without remembering him, without every knowing him in his earthly form.

And every time you do something new or funny, I am reminded that he won’t get to see you grow up.  He used to tell me that he couldn’t wait until he could talk because you would probably say the funniest things.

Every time you reach a new milestone, he won’t see that.

Every time you say something funny, he isn’t here to laugh.

He got robbed of that.

You got robbed.

Life can be so cruel.  And I know soon you are going to start asking questions.  I dread that but I won’t hide anything from you.

But I want you to know that your father loved you so much.  You were the center of his world when he was here.  And I know wherever he is, he loves you very much.  His death doesn’t change that.

And many of the people around you loved him too and they love you too.  And we all can’t wait to celebrate your third birthday.

Six dreams about my dead husband

Published on by kerrymckim1 Comment

I have had six dreams about Bryon since he passed away.  At least, six dreams that I have remembered.

The first dream was the night of my daughters second birthday party.  He looked normal and not sick.  He was wearing his navy sweater vest and a tie and his hair was combed back, off of his face.  (It always annoyed me when his hair got long, but I never nagged him because that would only strengthen his resolve to keep it long.  But I would tell him that he was no Tom Brady.)  We just stood there, several feet apart from each other, looking at each other.  I said “Hi Handsome” and he said “Hello Beautiful.”

The second dream was within the first couple of months.  He was sick, in the hospital and I was sitting next to him, waiting for him to die.  Then he burst out laughing.

The third dream was also within in those first couple of months.  I was in a dangerous situation.  Luckily, Bryon shows up in a car.  I had been waiting for him and while I was relieved he had showed up, I told him about all the bad things that almost just happened to me.

The fourth dream happened about 9 months after he passed.  I was at a Republican convention that was covering the Northeast.  I was sitting at a table on a patio with a group of  friends, but I only recognized two people.  One of them was my daughters Godmother.  I guess they were having presentations from different states and I hear that Maine’s presentation was about to begin in the auditorium and I begin to make my way over.  I wanted to see Senator Collins.  On my way, I get distracted by a stairwell.  Bryon is standing on a landing half way down the stairs.  He has lost a lot of weight and he is wearing a beige suit with an orange tie.  It was an interesting color combination.  We stop and just look at each other and smile.  We don’t talk.  We don’t get close to each other.

When I woke up, I remembered about the time we met.  It was during the Northeast Caucus of the Fall 2006 Young Republican National Federation Meeting in Louisville, Kentucky.   The room was filled with a large New York delegation and I was the lone Maine representative.  I was trying to give my report on Maine and there was a New Yorker who kept interrupting me.  That was my first impression of Bryon.  Bryon always maintained that no one in the room cared about what was going on in Maine.  So after that dream, I just thought something along the lines of “of course he would interrupt me on the way to a Maine presentation.”

The fifth dream was three nights ago.   We were with a group of friends, but we were living separate lives and we were okay with that.  It was bizarre.  There was a lot more to it, but my daughter had woken me up and I didn’t get to think about the dream before I forgot most of it.

The sixth dream happened yesterday.  My daughter and I didn’t go anywhere.  It was one of those days where just existing had been too exhausting.  They still happen.  My daughter goes to take a nap. I knew I should be cleaning since her birthday is this week.  But instead, I sit on the couch and watch Pioneer Woman.  Three different chocolate desserts and cheesy corn chowder.  I fell asleep.  What can I say?  I caught onto the “sleep when the baby sleeps” about three years too late.

This sixth dream was really weird.  I am aware that Bryon is dead.  And then Bryon is there and he is alive and he tells me we need to do drop campaign literature in the next town over. Now if Bryon were to return from the dead, I really hope he doesn’t want our first date post resurrection to be dropping campaign literature but in the dream, I am okay with it.

So in the dream, we are on our way to meet up with the campaign and it dawns on me-  how can I be with Bryon right now?  He’s dead.  I was then confused, not knowing if Bryon was dead or not.  But I didn’t get to sort it out in the dream because my daughter woke me up.

 

 

I can’t imagine

Published on by kerrymckim2 Comments

Today is one of those days that it is hard to write.  I struggle with what to say.  Nothing will be good enough.  It’s hard to write about the little things going on in my life after seeing all the footage of Hurricane Harvey in Houston, Hurricane Irma in Florida and with the anniversary of September 11.  I feel like nothing I say can do any respect for the these events or the people that these events have affected.

There are two things my mind travels to when thinking about these events.  One is empathy. I have been trying to put myself in those people’s shoes.  I have lived in the Northeast for all but 6 months of my life (3 months in England, 3 months in Southern Indiana-they called it Kentuckiana) and we do have some crazy weather here.  I have lived through hurricanes and blizzards- Hurricane Gloria, Hurricane Bob, Hurricane Floyd, Hurricane Irene and of course, the Ice Storm of 1998.  

I have had my world fall apart but I have never lived in a place where I had to evacuate my home.  I have never felt the agony of wondering if my home had been destroyed.  I have never had to decide what few possessions to take at a moment’s notice.  I don’t know what I would grab after my daughter and my cat. I have never been in a situation where all my belongings and memories were destroyed.  I have never been in a situation where my whole neighborhood was flooded.

I have never lived in a war zone.  I have never lived in a place where I saw buildings go up in smoke.  I have never lived not knowing if a loved one was alive.

I truly can’t imagine.

The other thing that has been on my mind and heart is the fact that as Americans we can be so hostile to each other.  Seriously, who cares what political party people belong to or what religion they are?  Or if they even have a religion?  Or what they’re income is?  We are so divided but whenever there is a disaster, we come together.  Why can’t we be like that all the time?  Why do we have wait until people’s lives our destroyed to show them kindness?

End of summer fun: Valley Cats game

Published on by kerrymckim2 Comments

Last week we had another first.

Our first baseball game without Bryon.

Bryon was an avid sports fan.  If we were travelling, he would see what the local teams were for whatever sport was in season and if they were playing that night.  When else would I see the Colorado Avalanche play?  Or the Toronto FC soccer team play against the Capital City FC soccer team?

Bryon had the same enthusiasm locally as well.  No summer was complete without going to some Valley Cats games.  Usually we went when the Lowell Spinners were in town (the Single-A affiliate for the Boston Red Sox).

We took our daughter on her first Fourth of July in 2015.  I tried to get a good family selfie but I failed.

11703128_10153865208402841_7056460535801855136_n

I spent almost all of the summer of 2016 in an ICU room.  And I have avoided baseball games this summer.  Because going to baseball games was a thing that I did with Bryon.  He loved going.  I also realized that his baseball buddy, Julie, who worked the Brown’s Beer stand may not know that he died.  Julie loved him. And I didn’t want to tell her.  Luckily I didn’t have to go to the beer stand that night.

I had no plans to go this year, but the MS Society was there that night.  And it ended up being a Friends themed night so that was cool too.  I like Friends but I still maintain that How I Met Your Mother was a much better show than Friends though.

There were hot dogs.  Ketchup was my daughters.  I think ketchup is disgusting.   Mustard and relish is my jam.  I am full of controversial statements today.  I won’t even discuss hot dog rolls today.

My bestie Kimmy Gibbler was there.

Our good friend was there.  (She doesn’t have a nickname…yet.)

We also had a to see a friend who was working.  You haven’t met him yet, but you met his girlfriend.

21192953_10156008459422841_3715196930534991271_n

It did end up being a fun night.  My daughter loved it.  Granted, she didn’t really have any concept of the actual game, but there were friends, hot dogs and ice cream.  Life doesn’t get much better than that.

21273682_10156008464757841_341812400504179564_o20170901_201255

So this is year two

Published on by kerrymckim1 Comment

Year Two-  1-2/52

I am two weeks into my second year of this thing called widowhood.

And I am tired.  Physically.  Mentally.  Emotionally.

I am tired of the pity.

I am tired of being patronized.

I am tired of being told I am strong.  As if I really had a choice.

I am tired of being a sole parent.

I am tired of being told how to grieve.

I am tired of trying to stay positive.

I am tired of looking into my future and seeing nothingness.  I miss having long term plans, goals and dreams.  I have none of that now.

I am tired of pretending that I am somewhat okay with what happened.

I am tired of people not understanding that I just need to be sad.  There is nothing wrong with me.  If you lost your spouse, you would feel sad too.

I am tired of being sad and lonely.  Because as much as I love my Albany Family and my biological family, there is a loneliness that no one can remedy.  No one knew me like Bryon did.  There is that stuff that only someone intimate with you would know.  I think back to my frustrated days as a single before meeting Bryon, but I wasn’t as lonely as I was now because I didn’t know that closeness even existed.

I miss being married.  But I don’t want to date.  At all.  In fact, I am angry that I am this position.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  We were happy.  Now I am the third, fifth, seventh, ninth, eleventh, etc wheel.  It sucks.  But I don’t want to date.  I want Bryon back. I want to be living the life I was supposed to be living.   But the reality is that someday I will have to because I have long life genes.  My Grandma Sullivan lived to be 90 and my Nana Crowley is still alive at the age of 95.  It is not unreasonable to think I may live that long and I know I don’t want to be alone for another 60+ years.  Being alone and dating are equally dreadful to me.

I also truly doubt I will ever find anyone who captivates me the way Bryon did.  Or even if I found someone who captivates me, I doubt I would captivate them.  As each day goes on, I am convinced more and more that you only get one and I had mine.  And it’s over.  

During year one I bounced between feeling raw grief and an almost Zen-like state.  But now I just feel blah.  Grief is no longer raw and being Zen is just too much work.  I am too drained to do anything.  I know that this is supposed to be the year that I put myself first, but even that seems like too much work.  

They say year two is the year we are supposed to leave again, but currently I feel so uninspired.

Happy second birthday in Heaven

Published on by kerrymckim3 Comments

Today was Bryon’s second birthday in Heaven.  You might have read my blog yesterday when I wrote about how it was one year since the funeral and you must be confused as to why I am writing about his birthday.  It’s true.  His funeral was a day before his birthday.  I had to experience a painful first the very next day after the funeral.  And the firsts just kept coming.  My birthday is in two days, my daughters is next month and our wedding anniversary is at the end of September. This corner of the year will probably always be the roughest five weeks of the year for me.

It seems so unreal that we are celebrating Bryon’s second birthday in Heaven.  At times, I am still stunned that this all happened. But I decided that last week that the anniversary of his death will be the sad day.  His birthday will be a happy day. So I decided to have a party for our friends to get together and share stories. Instead of dwelling on Bryon’s death, it was time to celebrate that he had lived.

Last year, the day after his funeral, a few of us had dinner at hibachi because that is what we had done for his last living birthday.  I was thinking of doing that again but I wanted to include more people and it would be hard to have a lot of people at a hibachi table.

I decided that I wanted to release balloons at the cemetery and then have funfetti cheesecake at my house.  I wanted to buy a whole cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.  Bryon would have loved that.  He loved funfetti cake and cheesecake.  It would be perfect.  But my friend called the local Cheesecake Factory, they said they couldn’t sell whole funfetti cheesecakes.  But that’s okay.  I found a recipe online that worked well.

A few of my friends met at the cemetery.  One of our friends brought a pennant from Siena College to decorate the grave.  The same friend read the prayer of St. Francis which worked well because I did not prepare anything to be said.  St. Francis was Bryon’s favorite Saint so he would approve.

My daughter and I brought a bundle of balloons to release.  I was very impressed with my daughter.  She is not yet three but she understood that the balloons were going to be released and sent to Heaven for Bryon.  I was worried that she wasn’t going to understand the concept and that she would get upset but she let the balloons go and seemed happy that they were going to Heaven.  

After the cemetery, we went back to my house for pizza, funfetti cheesecake and stories.  There also may have been some Moxie tasting.  Kimmy Gibber did not like it.

This might be the start of a new tradition.  Maybe it won’t.  But for the time being, it is comforting to know that I have a group of friends who are like family who want to  remember Bryon’s life.  And I hold my Albany family close to my heart.

Remembering the final farewell

Published on by kerrymckim4 Comments

One year ago today, we said our final farewell to Bryon.

I wore a black dress and my daughter wore a white dress with black polka dots.

I remember meeting at the funeral home with immediate family and the pallbearers.  A few friends drove up from New York City and came by since they were not able to make it to the calling hours.  I remember that I forgot to put on my pearls that Bryon had bought me in St. Thomas on our honeymoon cruise.  Several friends offered me their pairs of pearls, but I declined.  I figured I wasn’t meant to wear them.

I remember everyone saying their final good-byes at the funeral home before heading to the church.  Top Gun had been paused during the reading of the Prayer of St. Francis but the promo music magically came on as everyone went up to the coffin for the last time.

I remember the funeral.  The music.  The five priests that were there.  The eulogy given by his best friend.  It was funny and mildly inappropriate which is what Bryon would have wanted.  The only thing I don’t remember was seeing who was there.  I just remember that the church was full.  

I remember the wristbands that were given out.  Bryon said (hypothetically) that if he died that he wanted an open bar and he wanted wristbands given out at church because he didn’t want freeloaders showing up to his reception.  He only wanted true mourners there.

I remember that I didn’t cry.  It’s the only funeral I have never cried at.  I could go to a funeral of a complete stranger and cry. I remember feeling guilty.  I remember mentioning this to my daughter’s godmother.  I asked her if I was a horrible person but she said that I had been crying for five months.  

I remember thinking about how odd it was to be the widow.  I remember watching my grandmother’s as widows.  To be getting in and out of the limo with their children.  I was getting in and out of the limo with my daughter.  But my grandmother’s children were all grown.  My daughter was not yet two.  I remember changing her diaper in the limo after Mass while waiting for the procession to move to the cemetery.  I remember that my daughter fell asleep on the way to the cemetery and my father stayed in the limo with her during the time at the cemetery.  

I remember that we had our reception at one of our favorite bars, McGeary’s.  I remember seeing my friends and family there, all dressed up.  Lunch was served and I remember my daughter trying to eat the butter by itself.  I remember talking to my cousins and aunts and uncles who came in from Maine, Massachusetts and Florida.  I drank Bailey’s on ice. I remember Bryon was toasted and we sang along to his favorite songs.  I remember people coming up to me saying that even though it sounds weird, it was the best funeral that they have ever been to.  

And now it has been one year since that day.  Feels like a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday.