Year Two- 1-2/52
I am two weeks into my second year of this thing called widowhood.
And I am tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
I am tired of the pity.
I am tired of being patronized.
I am tired of being told I am strong. As if I really had a choice.
I am tired of being a sole parent.
I am tired of being told how to grieve.
I am tired of trying to stay positive.
I am tired of looking into my future and seeing nothingness. I miss having long term plans, goals and dreams. I have none of that now.
I am tired of pretending that I am somewhat okay with what happened.
I am tired of people not understanding that I just need to be sad. There is nothing wrong with me. If you lost your spouse, you would feel sad too.
I am tired of being sad and lonely. Because as much as I love my Albany Family and my biological family, there is a loneliness that no one can remedy. No one knew me like Bryon did. There is that stuff that only someone intimate with you would know. I think back to my frustrated days as a single before meeting Bryon, but I wasn’t as lonely as I was now because I didn’t know that closeness even existed.
I miss being married. But I don’t want to date. At all. In fact, I am angry that I am this position. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. We were happy. Now I am the third, fifth, seventh, ninth, eleventh, etc wheel. It sucks. But I don’t want to date. I want Bryon back. I want to be living the life I was supposed to be living. But the reality is that someday I will have to because I have long life genes. My Grandma Sullivan lived to be 90 and my Nana Crowley is still alive at the age of 95. It is not unreasonable to think I may live that long and I know I don’t want to be alone for another 60+ years. Being alone and dating are equally dreadful to me.
I also truly doubt I will ever find anyone who captivates me the way Bryon did. Or even if I found someone who captivates me, I doubt I would captivate them. As each day goes on, I am convinced more and more that you only get one and I had mine. And it’s over.
During year one I bounced between feeling raw grief and an almost Zen-like state. But now I just feel blah. Grief is no longer raw and being Zen is just too much work. I am too drained to do anything. I know that this is supposed to be the year that I put myself first, but even that seems like too much work.
They say year two is the year we are supposed to leave again, but currently I feel so uninspired.