Year Two- 1-2/52
I am two weeks into my second year of this thing called widowhood.
And I am tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
I am tired of the pity.
I am tired of being patronized.
I am tired of being told I am strong. As if I really had a choice.
I am tired of being a sole parent.
I am tired of being told how to grieve.
I am tired of trying to stay positive.
I am tired of looking into my future and seeing nothingness. I miss having long term plans, goals and dreams. I have none of that now.
I am tired of pretending that I am somewhat okay with what happened.
I am tired of people not understanding that I just need to be sad. There is nothing wrong with me. If you lost your spouse, you would feel sad too.
I am tired of being sad and lonely. Because as much as I love my Albany Family and my biological family, there is a loneliness that no one can remedy. No one knew me like Bryon did. There is that stuff that only someone intimate with you would know. I think back to my frustrated days as a single before meeting Bryon, but I wasn’t as lonely as I was now because I didn’t know that closeness even existed.
I miss being married. But I don’t want to date. At all. In fact, I am angry that I am this position. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. We were happy. Now I am the third, fifth, seventh, ninth, eleventh, etc wheel. It sucks. But I don’t want to date. I want Bryon back. I want to be living the life I was supposed to be living. But the reality is that someday I will have to because I have long life genes. My Grandma Sullivan lived to be 90 and my Nana Crowley is still alive at the age of 95. It is not unreasonable to think I may live that long and I know I don’t want to be alone for another 60+ years. Being alone and dating are equally dreadful to me.
I also truly doubt I will ever find anyone who captivates me the way Bryon did. Or even if I found someone who captivates me, I doubt I would captivate them. As each day goes on, I am convinced more and more that you only get one and I had mine. And it’s over.
During year one I bounced between feeling raw grief and an almost Zen-like state. But now I just feel blah. Grief is no longer raw and being Zen is just too much work. I am too drained to do anything. I know that this is supposed to be the year that I put myself first, but even that seems like too much work.
They say year two is the year we are supposed to leave again, but currently I feel so uninspired.
One thought on “So this is year two”
There is no timetable on grief, or getting over anything. Just try to live your life as best you can. It’s not easy.