Here are the 5 things I am grateful for this week.
The fact that this will be a quick blog post without a lot of words because I am getting ready for a Bachelorette weekend! Fun! Fun!
#sorrynotsorry
My parents.
Because this weekend is made possible because they came to watch my daughter for the weekend.
Kimmy Gibbler told me that her son was sad she was going away for the weekend and I said that I think my daughter is thrilled because her grandparents are here. Bye Mommy!
Plus, I got to witness this moment. Pappy couldn’t resist buying his granddaughter a big kid bike.
Cupcakes and Champagne
I was feeling kind of down earlier this week but time with my friends always cheers me up. #tribestrong
And I want to be clear that the champagne was only for the adults. The kids got milk and/or water.
Caffeine
Because I am exhausted and have been drinking a lot of it this week.
Surviving and thriving
Life isn’t always easy but I have everything I need. I am a survivor. I have clarity. I am living. And for that, I am thankful.
I have noticed lately that Facebook has been asking me a lot of questions. They say they wanted to help people get to know me. I find that humorous because I totally overshare on Facebook.
Most of the questions are benign.
Like,
In case anyone was wondering-
1) Too many to quote but anything from Love Actually, 10 Things I Hate About You and Mean Girls will do the job.
2) Hoodies and mugs from places I travel, especially Starbucks You Are Here mugs
3) No
And then Facebook thinks I should tell people about my first kiss.
Excuse me, Facebook? That’s kind of personal, eh?
My first kiss was not exciting but this question felt like it crosses so many boundaries.
After I was done being put off by the nosiness of Facebook, I decided to share my first kiss on my WordPress blog. Because WordPress didn’t press me for the information. (See what I did there? The pun was intended).
But yeah, my first kiss.
I was a late bloomer. I was a shy teenager, at least when it came to boys. I had very little confidence. I did not have a boyfriend in high school or most of college. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self a pep talk to increase her confidence. But she will eventually get some confidence, though it will take years.
Anyway, it was a Saturday night during my sophomore year in college, meaning it was 1998 or 1999. I was wearing overalls that I bought at Wal-Mart and my hair was in a ponytail as I let a friend do a box perm (also bought at Wal-Mart) on my hair in the dorm bathroom and all it did was create a frizzy mess. So my hair was in a ponytail that whole year.
I wish I had a picture.
You may be reading this and cringing. Or laughing. Trust me, I am cringing and laughing as I write this. I wish I could back in time and along with the pep talk, I wish I could give my younger self a lesson in style. Because 20 year old Kerry has her assets at their best, she just didn’t know how to accentuate that. And that there are more options of places to shop at than Wal-Mart.
Where was I?
Right.
Saturday night, sophomore year, 1998-1999ish, overalls and bad perm. I was chatting with a guy named Dave in my friends dorm room. I don’t remember his last name (or maybe I never knew it) but it began with an “S”. He was a friend of a friend and he didn’t attend college.
We were alone. Maybe it was 1999 and everyone else was just partying like it was 1999. It was one of the few nights that someone did not pull the fire alarm which usually happened at least four times a week in my dorm. I spent many Maine winter nights outside freezing while waiting for the fire department to let us back in. Eventually we learned to just go to Dunkin Donuts when this happened.
The caffeine never bothered me anyway.
This Dave guy and I were talking.
I remembered we had identical cars. We both drove green 1998 Saturns.
(I miss Mean Green. Drove that car for 10 years and 240,000 miles. Even took it out to Indiana at around 219,000 miles when it was leaking some sort of fluid. Probably not the best idea but the car got me back to Maine before she was retired.)
Where was I? I keep getting distracted.
Right.
Saturday night, sophomore year, 1998-1999ish, overalls and bad perm, etc.
So this Dave guy that drives an identical Saturn as me and doesn’t go to my school kissed me.
It was not exciting. Actually it was very anti-climatic.
I saw where this was going. I did not wait a long time to just be some hookup on campus.
A voice inside me told me that I at least deserved dinner. Heck, I probably would have settled for one of those stir-fry sandwiches made by Scary Gary from the Crack Shack. (Okay, it was called the Snack Shack and there was a guy named Gary and everyone, and I mean everyone, called him Scary Gary. I may have called him that to his face when I was drunk one night. I am sure I wasn’t the first. Or the last.)
I wish I had a picture. I wish smartphones and Facebook existed back then.
But maybe 20 year old Kerry was more of a bad-ass than I give her credit for. She was not desperate for male attention. After all these years of thinking she had low self esteem, maybe she knew her worth all along.
I told this Dave guy that we needed to get to know each other better. Dave verbalized his understanding.
He had nowhere to sleep that night. I made him sleep on the floor on the flip and f*ck. (Which is now in my old bedroom at my parents house).
Flip and F*ck- mine was green. A staple in any 1990’s college dorm room.
He snored. Loudly.
Dave and I never went on a date. I continued to wear those overalls and I never got another perm. I didn’t kiss another guy until my senior year in college. And that guy did think I deserved dinner. And I liked Pizza Hut Pan Pizza. And then we saw 101 Dalmations.
Okay, I still do like Pizza Hut Pan Pizza…occasionally. But now I would not be impressed if I was taken there on a first date.
Eventually that relationship ran it’s course. It was evident that this guy did not ever want to get married.
Looking back, I can see a lot of red flags and problems but my younger self had to learn for herself.
A little over two and a half years into that relationship, 24 year old Kerry listened to a voice that told her that she deserved to be happy.
So she broke it off.
Oh and if you are wondering, their first kiss was not exciting either. No fireworks in that relationship.
I began to get involved in politics and met many new friends. One friend was like an older brother to me. One time we were driving to a political event and this friend was trying to give me dating pointers. One thing he said to me was that if a guy took me to a chain restaurant on the first date, then there shouldn’t be a second date.
At first my friend’s advice seemed harsh but then it made sense to 27ish-year old Kerry. I mean, her college boyfriend took her to Pizza Hut and there was zero passion in this relationship.
It took several years and several frogs but I did eventually meet a special man. A man who thought I was worth steak dinner. And fancy Italian dinner. And quality dinner of many different cuisines.
The relationship with that man had so much passion. No anti-climatic kisses.
For eight years, that man loved me. We were married for four of those years.
For eight years, that man worked so hard to give me, and later our daughter, the world.
It took awhile to find him and I had to kiss some frogs but I am thankful for the love he showed me. For thinking I was worth it. For setting the bar high on any man that might come after him.
I don’t know what the future holds but at least, thanks to Bryon, I can go into it knowing what love is and not to settle for anything less than what I deserve.
I think this post got almost as much likes as the Hobby Lobby penis picture. That should be coming up in my Facebook memories later this month. Something to look forward to.
You were supposed to be born on or before September 14, 2014. But you had other plans.
On Thursday, September 18, 2014 I woke up around 4 am and I was convinced I was in labor. You father was too and he started to pack his bag. He said we were having a baby that day.
I called the OB/Gyn. They told me to come in which we did.
They hooked me up to the machine to measure contractions.
Your father tells me about how someone asked him how many centimeters dilated I was. Your father said that he thought it was weird, that that person was asking about my vagina- his wife’s vagina. I said that that person wasn’t asking in that way and it didn’t matter because I had heard that when you are delivering a baby, you don’t care. Your father then said “Like that time on Saved by the Bell when Zack had to deliver Mr. Belding’s baby in an elevator.” I said “Now that would have been awkward.”
We sat there for a half an hour and the contractions had stopped. We weren’t having a baby that day. But we scheduled an induction for Monday, September 22, 2014.
I was in a bad mood and I didn’t go back into work. I was tired of people asking me where the baby was.
The next day, Friday, September 19, 2014 and it started out just like the day before except your father didn’t get excited pack a bag. The morning passed but my contractions were still 10 minutes apart. I took a nap. I kept having to stand up. I had back labor and it hurt. I told your father that you were going to be an only child.
Your father had refused to take any childbirth classes. He remembered seeing an episode of Murphy Brown where she took a childbirth class and the other parents were tools. He didn’t want to be in a class with tools. For an extremely intelligent man, he sure had times where he had trouble separating fictional TV scenarios and real life.
I was in the middle of a contraction and your father said “Maybe we should have taken that childbirth class…”
I look at him. He told me that when I looked at him, he couldn’t tell if I was going to laugh or if I wanted to murder him.
Evening came and contractions were still 8-10 minutes apart. I told your father that I heard walking helped with labor so we went to the mall. So it was a busy Friday night at the mall and your father and I just slowly walked the perimeter of the mall. We stopped every 8-10 minutes.
During the overnight, my contractions finally got closer together. We went to the hospital around 3 am. I had been in labor for about 24 hours at this point.
I got my epidural and like was good for several hours. They thought I would be pushing around 3 pm.
Well 3 pm became 4 pm. And then 5 pm. And 6 pm.
You could say I was not a happy camper.
I just wanted you out of me.
It was decided that after 42 hours of labor, I was going to have a C-section.
They doctors were getting ready. Your father put on scrubs. The anethesiologist asked if anyone had a questions. Your father said he did. The anethesiologist is polite and said “okay…” and your father gestures toward the scrubs and asks “Does this make me look fat?” The anethesiologist burst out laughing.
Your father also used that joke on the nurses and they thought he was hysterical. Your father was proud.
So I will spare you the details of the c-section. I do remember that once you were born, they asked your father to announce if you were a boy or girl as we didn’t find out. He just stood there looking at you. I couldn’t take the suspense and I said “Well, did we have a Maddy or a William?” Your father just smiled in awe and said you were a girl.
The second you were out of me, I was given morphine. I remember that I was suddenly transported from the operating room to a yellow foam fun house and I thought it was awesome. Your father was there with me in the fun house wearing his scrubs. And then as quickly as I was transported there, the fun house just melted away and I was back in the operating room. But your father didn’t move.
I kept talking about the yellow foam fun house. My obstetrician said that she was starting to get jealous because this yellow foam fun house sounded cool. I kept alternating between being excited about the foam fun house and being excited about your birth.
Since I was too drugged up, your father held you first. They placed you in his arms and the first thing he said was “Oh my God. You are so cute.”
I stayed in the hospital for several days. The highlights:
1) You saw Top Gun with your father when you were a day old.
2) Your father watched the Bills with you on his laptop.
3) At one point you were crying and he was holding you. He started to sing to you but it wasn’t helping. I was half asleep and said “She likes “Let’s Hear It For The Boy'” (You did in utero). Your father then sang the whole song, word for word. I feel like I should be surprised that he knew the words but I am not. And it worked. You stopped crying.
We celebrated your first birthday a day early on Saturday, September 19, 2015. We didn’t want your party to be overshadowed by the Bills playing. We had a Minnie Mouse theme and a taco bar.
When we celebrated your first birthday, we had no idea that it was going to be your last birthday with your father.
As we celebrate your second birthday without him, it still feels unreal. The only birthday he was at is the one you definitely won’t remember.
It is just so unfair.
At least once a day, I think about how you are going to grow up without him, without remembering him, without every knowing him in his earthly form.
And every time you do something new or funny, I am reminded that he won’t get to see you grow up. He used to tell me that he couldn’t wait until he could talk because you would probably say the funniest things.
Every time you reach a new milestone, he won’t see that.
Every time you say something funny, he isn’t here to laugh.
He got robbed of that.
You got robbed.
Life can be so cruel. And I know soon you are going to start asking questions. I dread that but I won’t hide anything from you.
But I want you to know that your father loved you so much. You were the center of his world when he was here. And I know wherever he is, he loves you very much. His death doesn’t change that.
And many of the people around you loved him too and they love you too. And we all can’t wait to celebrate your third birthday.
Today’s blog post was inspired from Rachel’s post about wanting to meet a rude Canadian.
Bryon and I met a rude Canadian once.
Actually it was two rude Canadians.
We were on a cruise in February 2014. It was the cruise we took when I was nine weeks pregnant (before Zika was a thing). The cruise was aboard the Carnival Sunshine and we left from New Orleans and visited Montego Bay, Jamaica (never again), Grand Cayman (loved it) and Cozumel, Mexico (fun time).
That cruise could be dubbed a lot of different things:
The time I cruised when pregnant.
The cruise where I threw up Virgin Daquiri’s. (Sorry).
The cruise where I pretty much just ate potato salad and loved it.
The cruise where Bryon got a bad sunburn and then had to pay $15 for aloe on the ship. The label called it liquid gold and Bryon said it better be for that price.
The cruise where we hung out in the piano bar most nights.
The cruise where I met an Elvis impersonator.
The cruise where I won a geography trivia contest.
The cruise where the somelier at the steakhouse spilled Bryon’s Chateau Neuf de Pape while she was trying to transfer it from the bottle into the decanter. I can still feel Bryon’s blood pressure rising over this.
The cruise where Bryon pissed off a Southern lady at the pizza stand.
But this story is about how we met rude Canadians.
On that cruise we made friends with another married couple from Florida. The dining room was tight (as most dining rooms on cruise ships are) and our tables were next to each other. We started chatting and remained friendly during the rest of the cruise. In fact, we still remain Facebook friends. Maybe I will cruise with them again. If I can ever bring myself to go on another cruise. That was Bryon and my thing.
Anyway, we invited this couple to be part of our team in a trivia contest. This trivia contest was different than most. Instead of just writing your answers on a sheet, each team took a chance to answer a question. If you got it right, you got the points. If you got it wrong, the moderator went around the room asking everyone else until someone got it right or until she got back to the original contestant.
Well this couple came in and joined the fun. They were there own team and they called themselves “The Canucks.” To be honest, I can’t even remember the name of our own team.
“The Canucks” were before us in the rotation of questions. So whenever a team got an answer wrong, we would quietly discuss our answer as a team. Somehow “The Canucks” heard us because they kept stealing our answers.
Needless to say, we were pissed. So on the next rounds, we got even quieter and Bryon would semi-loudly say “I think it’s *wrong answer*. Yeah, I definitely think it is *wrong answer*”.
“The Canucks” bought our fake answer and -surprise- they got it wrong. Then it was our turn and we gave our correct answer and they glared at us.
Now on the Carnival Sunshine as well as a lot of other Carnival ships, there was a cocktail bar called Alchemy. The bartender on this cruise had actually been our bartender the previous year on the Carnival Glory. We had become friends (still Facebook friends with her as well) and right before our trip on the Carnival Sunshine, she announced on Facebook that she was going to be on that ship. So we were so excited to be reunited. Most nights we would go have a beverage before dinner (non-alcoholic for me) and then we would return after the evening entertainment. Well we are at the bar and the rude Canadian couple was there. And they glared at us because we were friendly with the bartender.
They continued to glare at us whenever they saw us. To be honest, Bryon and I thought it was kind of funny. Though we were surprised because we had never met rude Canadians before and we usually went to Canada several times a year.
The story concludes with our the first leg of our flight home. Our flight went from New Orleans to Chicago then to Albany. We were using airlines miles (I have an airline credit card) and they did not have any coach seats available so we decided to use more miles and fly first class. I am not going to lie, I loved it.
We were sitting in the second row and we see the rude Canadians board the airplane. Bryon, who already had a drink in his hand waves hello to them. And, you guessed it, they glare at us.
Oh, about the almost getting kicked off part-
We were started to taxi and the pilot announces that we were going to return to the gate for a security concern. I look at Bryon. He points to the seat in front of us and mouths to me that he thinks it’s them. In the first row was a couple who had been extremely rude to the flight attendant.
The gate manager comes up to our row and tells us we need to exit the airplane immediately. I just sat there in shock.
The flight attendant comes up behind the gate manager and says “Row 1! I said Row 1!”
The gate man apologizes and then has the couple in the row 1 exit the plane.
I said to Bryon that the rude Canadians probably thought it was us getting kicked off the plane.
Bryon said that they will never know because they we way back in coach.
And then we laughed. Like we were people who always flew first class.
He asked my best friend for help with choosing my ring. I had my suspicions when she suddenly wanted to discuss. I mentioned it to a coworker, but I was afraid that if I mentioned it to anyone else that I would somehow jinx it.
We were at the bar where we went on our first date, Mahars Public Bar. The bar sadly closed years ago. They had beer from all over the world and a computer that kept track of your total. At 50 beers, you got a T-shirt. At 200 you got a mug. At 500 you got your name on the wall.
Bryon and I had been drinking there for years. I was one beer away from 200 and he was one beer away from 500. It was going to be a night of milestones.
Bryon was antsy to go. Almost nervous which is not like his character.
We get to the bar and sit at a small table. Bryon is acting sappy. Again, not his character. Then he is on one knee and proposing.
It was the exact ring that I told my best friend I liked.
I said yes.
Then his friends seem to come out of the woodwork to celebrate with us. Apparently Bryon told a bunch of them that he was going to propose that evening.
No picture of the proposal exits. A good friend said he was going to get a picture but his blackberry was acting up. But we did a staged photo. Of which I took off of Facebook. I hope he doesn’t mind. If he does, I will make him a funfetti cheesecake. Or maybe Poblano mac and cheese. Depends on how pissed he may be.
September 6, 2011 was one of the happiest days of my life.
4:59 PM me: Depends on when I wake up and get on the road 🙂
Bryon: lol
5:00 PM me: I actually wish I had known this was going to happen. I originally wanted to take tomorrow off and come out Thurs and go to Cooperstown on Fri
But it was not meant to be. No baseball hall of fame for me
Bryon: its not that great.
5:01 PM me: overated?
Bryon: yeah. but I havent been in a few years
5:02 PM me: Thanks for crushing my hopes…
Bryon: thats me though, you may like it
you should come out early tomorrow and go.
5:03 PM Its not far from albany
me: I doubt it
Bryon: doubt which part?
me: Isn’t it like an hour away?
Bryon: yeah.
me: I doubt I will want to drive another hour after driving 8
5:07 PM Bryon: I would be interested in going again, I would go, and drive.
me: But’s it’s lame…. 🙂
Bryon: yeah but there is a great brewery in cooperstown
me: so the truth comes out…
5:08 PM Bryon: lol
me: when would I have to be out there if I were to do that?
5:09 PM Bryon: whenever, Cooperstown is an hour from albany, I have a meeting until 1, so whenever you would like.
5:11 PM me: Mapquest says it takes 7 hours and 23 minutes to get from Surry, ME to Albany, NY
When does the baseball hall of fame close?
16 minutes
5:28 PM Bryon: sorry i was away there
the hall closes at 9
5:29 PM me: I figured that out. Went to the website.
I am used to Maine, where things close at 5
🙂
Bryon: that is why NY is better
5:30 PM me: If you say so…
5:31 PM Alright, I will plan to be out there around 2 or 3. That way I don’t have to get up at an ungodly early hour
5:32 PM Bryon: sounds good
This is the conversation that led to our first date, brought to you by gchat. What can I say? We are representative of the social media age.
I always teased him about this conversation, about how the Baseball Hall of Fame was lame until I said I wanted to go. Bryon never tried to hide the fact that it was me he wanted to see.
* * *
August 1, 2008
Cooperstown, NY
Albany, NY
Nine years ago today I went on my last first date. I was a Maine girl in New York and her “friend” took her the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. At first there was a work scheduling conflict but it ended up working out.
After going to the Baseball Hall of Fame, we weren’t ready for the date to end. So we had dinner at The Pump Station. The after dinner, we weren’t ready for the date to be over so went to Mahars. Then Lark Tavern.
August 2, 2008
Saratoga Springs, NY
Bryon and I were at the New York State Young Republicans Day at the Races. We spent the day avoiding each other because we didn’t want anyone to know that something was going on between us. But we snuck away to the paddock for some time alone together.
* * *
August 3, 2008
Albany, NY
I say good-bye to Bryon. I was sure this was going to be a fling. None of this made sense. He was seven years younger than me and lived three states away. I mean, he just graduated from college and I was almost 30.
But love had other plans. And we never looked back.
It was a Saturday morning. The baby woke up and usually I would be the one to get our daughter. But this morning, Bryon told me he would get her. I laid in bed thinking it was nice. A lazy morning in bed is a rarity.
It didn’t last long.
5 minutes later Bryon came into our bedroom and asked that question-
“Hey, do we have anything planned today?”
I knew exactly where he was going with this. He had spent the last 24 hours looking for a used rowing machine on craigslist because he wanted a fancy one without paying the price for one new.
I respond with an un-phased “where did you find a rowing machine?”
“I found one in Arlington.”
This peaks my interest. Being a native of the Boston area, I knew he meant Arlington, Massachusetts. And I am always up for an adventure and I love Boston.
“So if we go to Arlington, is there any chance we can go to Boston? I want to take our daughter on the Swan Boats.”
The Swan Boats are a Boston institution after all.
Bryon assured me that since he couldn’t pick up the rowing machine from the seller until 5 pm that there would be plenty of time to go on the Swan Boats.
So off to Boston we went. We stopped for breakfast at Chick-Fil-A in Chicopee, Massachusetts.
We arrived in Boston and we parked at Alewife and took the Red Line to Downtown Crossing.
I love my daughters impression of her first subway ride.
A perfect summer day in Boston. Bryon and I decided that we wanted our daughter to know both Boston and New York City when she got a little older. I wanted to do a trip to Boston in the summer and I wanted to take her to a Red Sox game in Fenway Park. Bryon said he wanted to bring our daughter to New York City at Christmastime.
This ended up being our only trip to Boston together.
That face.
Bryon always loved wearing a Pawtucket hat instead of a Boston hat. He loved that only true baseball fans and true Red Sox fans knew that the “P” stood for Pawtucket.
(For all you non-baseball fans, Pawtucket is the minor league baseball team affiliated with the Boston Red Sox. They are located in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.)
We went to get the rowing machine at around 5. The machine was a bigger model than advertised and we struggled to fit it into our Suburu Forrester. Luckily we were able to take it apart and get all the pieces in. Bryon was thrilled because he would have been willing to pay more for this model.
Just in case anyone is wondering, it isn’t the model that Frank Underwood uses on House of Cards. Bryon told me once that it is model lower than that.
Bryon and I joked that the guy we bought the rowing machine from was the Boston version of his brother because the houses look the same as the ones in his brothers neighborhood. Also, the guy we were purchasing the rowing machine from had two sons the same ages as Bryon’s nephews and one even had the same name.
The only difference was that Bryon’s brother does not have much hair and the guy we bought the rowing machine from had a ponytail. Bryon was really good at reading people and he said that the guy still had the ponytail to show the world that he was still a non-conformist even if he sold out to corporate America. Bryon always made me laugh.
The rest of these photos (courtesy of Facebooks “On This Day” feature) were taken back at home. Most days I am content with my daughter being my only child. Even if I were to fall in love again, I will be 39 this summer. I am not sure I want to go through the sleepless nights again. And the pumping.
But then I look at these photos of my daughter and then I feel a twinge of sadness that she will be my only child.
A few weeks ago I wrote about what I learned about love from your father. I actually learned a lot more about love than just that so I will most likely write more about those lessons. But I also decided that I wanted to share some life lessons from before I met your father. This is a compilations of the life lessons I learned from the boys I dated before I started dating your father. I do think these experiences were valuable. These experiences led me to your father. Without these mistakes, I wouldn’t have been ready to let your father into my heart.
Who knows, if I start dating again, I might write about “the things I learned about love from the a-holes I dated after your father died” but let’s hope that I have learned to weed out the a-holes.
It might not seem possible but yes, your mother dated a few guys before she met your father. Not a lot. Remember, your mother has a hard time letting her guard down. But these lessons sum up my experiences and what I had learned from them.
Some people may be reading this and thinking, well what if she grows up and doesn’t like boys. That might happen. And I will love you no matter what. But I won’t be any help. If you should grow up and prefer the company women, we will find someone that is better qualified to give you advice. Because I can’t. I don’t even really have men figured out. I had your father figured out but he was not an ordinary man.
Don’t be on someone’s hook. There is a whole episode of How I Met Your Mother about it. It’s when you aren’t in a relationship but you almost find yourself in some sort of pseudo relationship. I found myself in more of these than I can count. I would form a close relationship with a guy but I could never let on how I truly feel because I was too proud for that. I was sure that if I told these guys how I felt that I would be rejected and no one wants to be rejected. So I settled on friendship. These guys would come to me for emotional support and I gave it out. But almost inevitably, they would find another girl to give their affection too. I would be left baffled. It wasn’t fair. I had put in all these hours of emotional support and I was overlooked. Who knows? Maybe some of these guys were into me but we convinced that I only saw them as a friend. It’s fine to be friends with guys. But if you find yourself giving way than you are receiving, distance yourself. If he wants you, he will come to you. You are too amazing to waste your time on unreturned love.
You are worth a nice dinner. This was also something I learned from your father. I put it here because the a-holes I dated before your father support this claim, just on the negative side. Be wary if you are brought to a chain restaurant on a first date. Well, your first real date. As I write this in 2017, coffee dates are apparently the thing. Most people meet online and meet up for coffee where they size each other up. They decide if the other is worth the cost of an expensive meal and, in my case, I would be deciding if this guy is worth the cost of a babysitter to watch you. Sounds depressing, right? At the very least, not romantic yet honest. By the time you read this, I have no idea what the modern dating rituals will be. Some really cool fad that doesn’t exist yet could be all the rage. But remember this for your first sit down, dinner date.
It’s In His Kiss. It is a song by Betty Everett that was popular when your Grammy and Pappy where young. The concept was elaborated on in the movie 2005 romantic comedy Hitch. Will Smith plays a dating doctor and he is coaching Kevin James (who I have a bit of a crush on, though I forgot to put him in my list of celebrity crushes) and he tell Kevin James’s character that woman judge the whole relationship by the first kiss. Based on my experience, I think that is valid. Your father was a good kisser. The a-holes that I dated before your father…not so much. Does that mean if a guy isn’t a good kisser that there isn’t a chance? I wouldn’t say yes but you need to ask yourself if you think you can teach the guy to be a good kisser and do you want to do that. Also, while some kissing is skill, most of it is passion and chemistry and you can’t teach that.
If you say you love him and he just says that was “random”, he’s not for you. Your mother may have not worn her heart on her sleeve but when she loved, she loved hard. Combine this with the fact that she is hyper-verbal at times. When your mother is in love, she likes to express it verbally and she will whenever she feels it whether it’s over a romantic dinner or doing something mundane like sitting in front of the TV and watching 20/20. Your father never once got annoyed with me saying “I love you.” He said it a lot too. And randomly.
Never give up your dreams for a guy. A long, long time ago (1999, which is 18 years ago as I write this but by the time you are ready to date, it will likely be over 30 years ago) I studied for a semester in England. It was one of the best experiences in my life. I had found out about a program where I could return to England for six month after my college graduation on a student visa. I could sleep on the floor of my friends flat and pour pints for six months but who cared? I would be in England. And then I started dating a man that would become my ex-boyfriend and I didn’t apply. I was too caught up with this guy and his mediocrity that I didn’t do an experience where I would shine. They say it’s never the things you do that you regret, it’s the things you didn’t do. This is one of my biggest regrets. No guy is worth extinguishing your dreams. The right guy will wait for you.
If something doesn’t feel right, just stay away. If you feel like you are being told lies, this isn’t a good sign. Stay away from the guy who has baby mama’s calling him for child support despite his claims that he’s sterile and only has one testicle. This would also apply to anyone with a criminal record or belongs to any groups that could be described as hate groups. If the stories don’t add up and your gut is telling you something, stay away. You are smart and you need to trust yourself.
If you feel like you are settling, you probably are. It’s not always passion and fireworks but if you feel like you can’t be yourself and that you are missing out on life then run. I knew it was time to quit when I was dating a guy who like stay in on Friday night and watch America’s Funniest Home Videos. Granted it was before YouTube (which probably will be antiquated by the time you start dating) but it was after the Bob Saget years. Life is too short to be with someone who kills your spirit.
All these a-holes were good for something. They made me into the person I needed to be to let your father into my heart. So even if you wind dating your fair share of a-holes, they will shape you into the person you need to be for that special someone.
They say that a girl learns how she is supposed to be treated by observing how her father treats her mother. Unfortunately, you will not see this firsthand. You will learn about other kind of love from all the people in your life that love you. But you will not see how your father and I loved each other. So this is my attempt to write down, the best I can, what I learned from your father’s and my love.
True love does exist. You might have to wait for it, but it exists. I had given up on the idea of falling in love. Part of that was my own fault. We come from an Irish family and showing affection and love is not our strength. We are not usually warm and fuzzy. I never let my guard down. I still don’t know why your father thought I was special and worked for my affections but I am happy he did.
It’s okay to have standards but still keep your heart open. I had a list of ten items. The top three were Republican, Catholic and a Red Sox fan. Almost everyone thought I was nuts and told me I was being unreasonable. (The irony is now the only one of those three I can say I am with any certainty is a Red Sox fan. These days I feel “meh” about religion and politics.) The fourth item was being Irish which your father was ⅛ Irish so that might be stretching it. I can’t remember much of the rest of the list except I wanted a man that could provide intelligent conversation (check), a man who like to travel (check) and a man who had depth to his personality (check). I wanted a man who could to the symphony and wine tasting one night and go to a baseball game, drink beer and eat hot dogs the next. I was told that one was unreasonable but it described your father perfectly. I also wanted an older man. I almost didn’t give your father a chance because I was stuck on the age issue. You have to be honest in what you are looking for but you also have to know when to be open.
If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Your father and I were not a likely pair. I was 7 years (actually 6 years and 363 days) older than him. We also lived 7 hours apart. I was not looking for a younger man or for a long distance relationship. Your father wasn’t initially looking for a long distance relationship either. Your father would text me and say he liked older woman and I pretty much would text back with “well, good for you.” Your father pursued and I resisted but in the end, it happened and there was nothing to stop it. We fell in love. We fell hard and we fell fast. It was meant to be.
You are worthy of a nice dinner. It’s not about the money, it’s about the effort. A friend of mine who is like a big brother to me once said that if a guy takes you to a chain restaurant on your first date, then there shouldn’t be a second. I told this to your father and he agreed 100%. Granted, your father generally had a disdain for all chain restaurants (except Texas Roadhouse and Chili’s) but you are unique and he should not take you to a generic place.
Love brings out the best in you. The right one will make you want to be the best version of yourself. They will see the best in you. You will strive to be a better person when in love.
Love with care- choose your words wisely. Your father and I were/are both passionate people and we had some heated disagreements. We were both guilty of saying things that we didn’t mean. Choose your words carefully. Love can be strong but life is fragile. Even though we were both guilty of it, I am haunted by those words. Even if you forgive each other and make up, you can’t take words back.
You don’t know how much you love someone until they are at death’s door. Your father and I lived a busy life and we didn’t always take time to enjoy our love quietly. But there were many days that defined our love. Days where I thought I couldn’t love your father more than I already did. The evening we got engaged at Mahar’s. Our wedding day. The day you were born. Each of these events made us realize greater depths of our love. I remember being in labor and I was cursing everyone and everything (sorry but it was true, labor is no joke!) I remember your father saying he loved me so much and that he never loved me more than he did at that moment. My love reached its culminating point when he was at death’s door. You don’t know how much you love someone until you realize that they could be gone at any moment.
Love doesn’t die. A person will die but the love that exists doesn’t die. When your father and I made our wedding vows, we vowed to love and honor each other, all the days of our lives. Your father may not be here anymore, but I still love him and honor him and I know wherever he is, he loves me too.
Running Forward...My Way 