gratitide – Running Forward…My Way

If you have been a longtime reader of my blog (thank you!), you would know that I used to do a weekly gratitude post on Fridays called “Good Vibrations Gratitude Friday.” It was a fun post to write every week. I would put in a GIF of Marky Mark. Writing the post gave me a chance to look back on my week and share the highlights.

I stopped doing those posts at the end of 2018.

It wasn’t because I stopped having gratitude. I just shared a lot about my personal life in those posts.

I didn’t write much because I was burned out. I went through a lot of change and a lot of healing in 2019.

When Bryon died in 2016, my life changed and I had to heal from that. Though I will never be 100% healed from that. Because his death had changed me and his loss will always be in my heart.

2016 will always be the worst year of my life. (Note to the Universe or God or whoever is in charge- please don’t view this as a challenge to be accepted. Let it ride).

2018 was a messy and awkward year. I learned a lot about relationships, human nature and myself.

It was a year that I realized I was totally alone in my grief. Truly alone. Sure, there are people who miss Bryon. Some people miss Bryon a lot. But with all do respect, no one misses Bryon as much as I do.

It’s not rocket science, but psychology does back that up. At least the Social Readjustment Scale does.

The Social Readjustment Scale ranks life events and rates them based on the stress impact. Death of Spouse is the number one stresses which ranks 100 on the scale. Divorce is the second largest stressful event and that ranks at 73 and Marital Separation ranks at 65. Jail term (63) and Personal Injury (53) round out the top 5. You can have more than one stressful event and those events can add up to over 100. But death of spouse is the single most stressful event.

I am not writing these words to be hurtful to those who also miss Bryon. I am just trying to illustrate the point that his loss was very different for me than anyone else. Many people are respectful of that, others are not. Some people are supportive, others are not. Some people say wonderful things, others said horrible things.

It was a harsh realization when I realized that I was seeking support from the wrong people. I should have leaned on my online widow tribe more than people who knew Bryon. Even though our stories are different, we have all experienced level 100 stress.

But this year, I had to turn into myself.

I had to set some boundaries.

This has been a year of change and healing.

I am grateful that I am here.

And I finally feel inspired to write again.

I truly try to live a life filled with Gratitude.

I thought about bringing back Good Vibrations Gratitude Friday but I decided to retire that series.

I felt like I was just making a weekly list. Which is fine but I came to the realization that I’d rather pick one thing and delve into it.

And if I ever do feel like making a gratitude list, I can. Because I am the CEO of this blog.

I was a little sad to start over with a new series. I had 48 Good Vibrations Gratitude Friday and I was hesitant to start over at 1 but life is about change and growth. I can’t be afraid of change.

I shouldn’t be afraid of change. My life has had enough change over the past couple of years that I feel like I am stuck in a revolving door.

So I hope you will join me each week and think about the things that you are grateful for.

It’s Friday! You made it. You survived the week!

Do you know what this means? It’s time for some Good Vibrations Gratitude!

I currently have a broken keyboard. I dropped it and now the “L” key only works if I press down really hard on it. So I am grateful for Amazon for giving me an ability to order a replacement which should be here tomorrow. (And I apologize if there are any typos).

Today’s post is going to be a little different than my normal gratitude posts.

I am one week into my 40’s. I am also in a new phase of my grief process. With every beginning comes a period of reflection and a period of learning. But I am optimistic that the next chapter is going to be a good chapter.

So I want to take a period to reflect on what I am grateful for in the previous chapter.

I am grateful for my time with Bryon. I don’t know why it had to end this way, but even despite the sadness and pain, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

I am grateful that he didn’t give up on me. I was a very closed off and stand-offish person and he persisted. I am grateful for all the love he gave me and the fact that he loved me at my worst. I am grateful that he worked hard to give me a great life even if I didn’t appreciate it at the time. I am grateful for all that he taught me.

I am grateful for everyone who is remembers Bryon and isn’t afraid to talk to about him. I am grateful for those who keep his memory alive.

I am grateful for my daughter. She was my reason for getting out of bed in those early days. She brings me so much joy as I watch her grow and learn. She brings me laughter. She reminds me of all the wonder in the world and to appreciate the little things. I am so lucky to be her mommy.

I am grateful for my family for always being there, for reminding me where I came from and for always having my back.

I am grateful for my family for all the love they give my daughter.

I am grateful for my job and the ability to work from home. I am grateful for the flexible schedule and for all the education opportunities that my employer provides. I am grateful for the team I work with.

I am grateful everyone who has helped me and my daughter survive the trauma and aftermath, both physically and emotionally.

I am grateful for everyone who has helped me around my house.

I am grateful for everyone who helped me keep my sh*t together and who has held my hand as I completed the hard tasks of widowhood.

I am grateful for everyone who has check in and fed my cat when I am away.

I am grateful for my friends who have sat with me and let me cry.

I am grateful for those who have stood by me even when I have been distracted with all that comes with single parenting, work and grief. If I haven’t seemed like a good friend, it’s honestly because my own cup hasn’t been full in a very long time. What is in my cup goes to my daughter. I don’t even take care of me so I am sorry that my cup usually consists of the end of the soda bottle that is probably more saliva than soda. (The previous sentence is based on a statistic I have heard. I haven’t looked it up because it’s after 1 am and I am feeling tired and lazy).

I am grateful for those who recognize that I am doing my best even though I drop the ball most of the time.

I am grateful for all the meals shared, especially the tacos, the wine and bacon. (Though I don’t think we did all three at once).

I am grateful for all the phone calls, texts, messages and SnapChats.

I am grateful for people listen to me babble on and on. I am only imagine what it is like to listen to me. Social awkwardness + grief = me.

I am grateful for everyone who loves or has loved my daughter.

I am grateful for anyone who has made me laugh, especially in the past two years. I really needed it.

I am grateful for everyone who loves me or have ever loved me. Especially at my worst.

I am grateful for everyone in my life, for teaching me. People and experiences are life’s biggest teachers.

I am grateful for those who listened and empathized and tried their hardest to understand.

I am grateful (admittedly cautiously grateful) for those who have hurt me because that hurt has taught me important lessons.

I am grateful for those who did not respect my boundaries because you taught me to reevaluate my boundaries and enforce them.

I am grateful for everyone who encouraged me to open about my grief. Being open is the opposite of my introverted nature. (Yes, I am an INFJ and we are often mistaken for being extroverts but I am an introvert). I am grateful for all those I have met through this journey.

A new chapter is beginning.

It is exciting but so many things are unknown.

I don’t know what it means for myself or for those in my life. It is exciting and scary because I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know who is going to stay and who is going to go. I have no idea what my life is going to be like a year from now. Heck, I am not sure what it is going to be like a month from now.

Everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

Though trusting the Universe is a weak area of mine…

But I know I can’t stay where I am at. I can’t continue to live in the past.

It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to my daughter. It’s not fair to those around me. And it’s not fair to Bryon.

I am was lucky to experience the love that Bryon and I had. But he’s not coming back.

I know the best way to honor Bryon’s memory is by living again. But the letting go part is not as easy as it seems. Just like the rest of my “grief journey”, it is a process. It is still going to take time.