So January is almost over and I haven’t blogged.
I started 2019 with big plans for the blog. I even scheduled blog posts into my google calendar.
Then the New Year happened.
And I just didn’t feel like it.
Kind of like Forrest Gump when he decided he didn’t want to run anymore.
I started this blog as an outlet for my emotions and my grief. I also had hoped to help others understand what a widow went through.
I have tried really hard to be open and honest about my grief.
I do not regret doing that. Not for one minute.
I know I have helped people as I have also helped myself.
I experienced immense healing and I got to explore my new life and new depths of myself and my personality.
Things began to change.
But I found as time went on, I felt the need to censor myself in my blog.
I put my feelings out there and I feel like people took advantage of my openness. That they were entitled to know everything and they were entitled to have a say about my decisions.
I got tired of people telling me how I am supposed to feel, how I am supposed to live my life and what my boundaries are supposed to be.
Especially when most people have not gone through what I had.
I have always been a very closed off person with a lot of walls. Bryon was able to tear down some of those walls but sadly, it took his death to tear down the rest of the walls.
I believed that tearing down my walls and letting people in was one of my spiritual lessons that my soul needed to accomplish in this lifetime.
I still do.
But the pendulum went too far.
And now I need to learn how to set boundaries again. Albeit healthier boundaries.
It’s okay to have walls but instead of huge 10 foot walls, I need some of those cute stone walls you find in New England. Remnants of a colonial time, strong but low enough to the ground that people can easily climb over them.
My blog stopped being my space.
A good friend of mine pointed out that I feel the need to explain myself in my blog and apologize for moving forward.
This blog, a place that was once therapeutic, has now become a bit of a chore.
Writing no longer felt therapeutic.
In fact, I began to wonder if the blog was hindering my growth and healing.
And it defeats the purpose of why I am writing in the first place. At least, writing in a public platform.
So I have decided that I am turning inward for the time being.
I will continue to write, but in my personal journals.
I have come to the realization that while I have been open and honest about my grief, it does not mean that I have to be open about every area of my life.
It’s okay to keep some parts of my life to myself, my daughter and those closest to me.
And that is okay.
I will write in here when I feel called to write to.
Yes, I am passed the worst of my grief but I still have my moments. And those moments will always creep up on me.
Or maybe I will be called to write about other aspects of my life.
There is a bright and long future ahead of me.
So for those who have always supported me and my writing, I thank you.
You will be seeing less of me here.
But this isn’t good-bye.