Friendship – Page 7 – Running Forward…My Way

I am going to start this off with a confession. Way back in the very early days of our friendship, you missed my birthday party. I don’t know why you missed it. I am sure you had a perfectly good reason but at the time, I was so mad at you. I didn’t tell you I was mad at you but Bryon definitely heard about it and he was so annoyed at me. I have a tendency to hold onto anger. It’s not one of my more endearing qualities. (How fitting that I am talking about my Irish stubbornness on St. Patrick’s Day?) I held onto this anger until Bryon invited you and your boyfriend, now your husband, over to our place to watch a televised Siena game and I decided I was not mad at you anymore.

I am not sharing this story to try to make you feel bad. If anything, I am hoping you are laughing at what an idiot I am. I am sharing this story to demonstrate that because my own stubbornness, I could have easily missed out on of the best friendships in my life. I want everyone that is reading this to learn that lesson and to not be like me.

Through the years, we became good friends. You gave me a wedding planner when Bryon and I got engaged. We were at each others bridal showers and weddings. You held my daughter when she was a baby. We attended Siena games together. We went on double dates, one of which involved dueling pianos and an interesting rendition to the classic “Joy to the World”.

You were present at some of my funniest memories of Bryon. I wish you could have seen the look on your face when Bryon walked out of your wedding with a six pack of Sam Adams Oktoberfest. And remember that time when we were playing Cards Against Humanity and there was the incident with the Chinese food? And of course the infamous Christmas Eve Mass where we broke the pew after Communion and Bryon said “We need Jesus the carpenter, not Jesus the baby” and then Bryon marched up to the altar with the long piece of the broken pew over his shoulder, explaining it all to Father Bradley who wasn’t phased at all.

Bryon and I were saddened by your father’s death and attended your father’s funeral. We were sad that we didn’t get to know your father. We heard the stories and realized that we missed out on knowing a great man. Maybe they are getting to know each other now. I remember Bryon and I discussing how your father’s death was significant because we didn’t have many friends who have lost parents. Most of us had lost grandparents but a parent’s death was different because it was one generation closer to us and therefore it made our own mortality seem closer. That conversation gives me the chills now.

None of us were prepared for what was going to happen. But through those five months of hell, you were there for me the whole time. I am crying as I type this because I don’t know what I would have done without you. You just seemed to instinctively know what I needed, when I needed it. Whether it was baby-sitting my daughter, or an iced coffee, or nachos or just someone to sit with me. You would sit with Bryon when I was too afraid to leave him alone so I could run home and take a shower. You kept my spirits up which was important because I needed that hope to get through those months. You also rallied the troops when you organized the “Double Miracle for Bryon” campaign.

You and your husband were the first people to come over to my house the day Bryon died. You told people to bring food. The rest of those days are a fog in my memory but I know you were present. And when the crowd thinned out, you stayed. You assured me that Bryon is still around and will always be around. You still come over for #tacotuesday. We brunch with the ladies. You cleaned my kitchen and because of you, I can see my backsplash and all my tupperware has lids that match. You have even offered to help me purge my house and have a yard sale.

Christmas Eve was not the same this year but we started our new tradition of Feliz Navidad Lunch and then we visited Bryon’s grave. And instead of a broken pew at Mass, we had an epic toddler meltdown. I don’t know which was worse…

Even though Bryon has been dead for almost seven months, you continue to be there for me. You have taught me what it means to be there for people and how to be a good friend. I aspire to be like you. It’s crazy to think that we are friends because our husbands lived together during college. And if Bryon were still alive, we wouldn’t be as close as we are today but your friendship is one of the biggest gifts Bryon could have given me.

Happy Birthday my dear friend. I love you.

I have always been somewhat of an introvert and I have never had a large group of female friends. As a child, I was shy and hyperactive meaning that I talked too much to the few people I was comfortable with and annoyed them. In high school I kept myself busy with cross country, track and my job at Shop ‘N Save and my circle of friends was pretty small. I carried a similar pattern in college where I went to track and cross country practice and I did not attend many parties. During most of my 20’s, I immersed myself into politics where I socialized but in a highly structured manner. I always felt awkward in conversations and politics gave me a reason to talk to people and contact to discuss with them. Despite my shyness, I made a few friends during my political years as well as an amazing boyfriend.

In 2009, I moved to Albany after a year of long distance dating and I left behind a few close friends in Maine. For years after the move, I tagged along with Bryon to social events but I felt that our circle of friends were really just Bryon’s friends and that his friends barely noticed me. I was very lonely but over time I began to grow friendships with the girlfriends of Bryon’s friends and some of Bryon’s female friends from college. Over time I started having the occasional dinner and movie nights with the girlfriend/wife of Bryon’s best friend and a friend of Bryon’s from college. She would “babysit” Bryon and the guys in college. She deserves to be elevated to sainthood here on Earth.

Over the years we met up to show off our engagement rings and squeal with excitement. We poured over wedding planning magazines and got together to watch Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings. There have been bridal showers, bachelorette parties and weddings. Then came the baby showers, christenings, play dates and little kid birthday parties. I enjoyed the celebrations, double dates, brunches and occasional girls nights out. But you don’t realize how strong your friendships are until crisis hits.

You quickly learn who your friends are when you are told your husband might not survive. They are the ones who drop whatever they are doing and rush to the hospital and sit with you. They immediately step in to take care of your daughter and tend to your very basic needs because you forget about things like basic hygiene and eating when your husband is close to dying. These are the people who bring you food to make sure you eat and bring you endless iced coffees to sustain you. Usually when people say you learn who your friends are, it implies that they had fewer friends than they thought but in my case I found out I had many more friends than I ever could have imagined. I never knew how much they meant to me.

Bryon’s death has brought all of us closer. Not just to me but to each other. Life gets busy but we all make a point in checking in with each other more. It’s been a year of highs and lows. In addition to Bryon’s death, there have been new jobs, babies, new houses, engagements as well as divorces, breakups and illnesses. There have been job promotions, new jobs and job frustrations. There have been vacations and birthdays. We have all been there to support each other no matter what curve balls are thrown at us. It is so peaceful to be with friends who are there to listen to each other and offer support. We are the family that we created.

I look forward to spending the future with you. I look forward to more babies (just not from me!), engagements, weddings, new jobs and vacations. I know we will be there for each other for whatever lows there might be. For those of us with kids, I look forward to birthday parties, play dates and if I have the privilege to live long enough to see our kids grow up, I hope to attend recitals, concerts, and various games and other sports competitions and I hope to celebrate graduations, birthdays and another cycle of weddings and babies.

If Bryon were still alive, we’d all still be friends but we wouldn’t be as close. There would still be the highs and lows and Bryon would be helping us through them. We all know that he is still helping us through them in his own way now. And I like to think that our strengthened friendships are in some way, a gift from Bryon. He can’t be there for us anymore, but he gave us each other.