This is a bit later in the day than I usually post.
I am sorry about that.
It is that awkward period between Christmas and the New Year.
So you are getting this post when I get around to finishing it.
I have finished up Round 1 of Christmas and Round 2 will be happening in a couple of days. I usually prefer when the holidays are spread out.
The first Christmas post-loss was hard. I spent it with people who loved my daughter and me and I cried myself to sleep.
The second Christmas was a bit easier than the first but the feelings around Christmas were still heavy and sad.
Last Christmas was actually happy and hopeful.
I expected the same this year as last year but this year Christmas felt kind of flat and a bit empty. I did do a lot of Christmas events for my daughter. She seemed to enjoy them, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of the reason for having a busy schedule was to keep my mind pre-occupied.
You can’t feel sad when you are experiencing Christmas cheer, right?
I didn’t want my daughter to detect my sadness this year.
Christmas (well Round 1) has come and gone. There were dinners and presents and such.
I went to “Midnight Mass” (at 9pm, which is an abomination if you ask me but that is another discussion for another time) I had the realization even mellowed out grief still ebbs and flows. My life is busy but at times it still feels empty without Bryon.
It is significant to mention that I am not a religious person anymore (it all feels hollow and pointless to me) but I was at “Midnight Mass” to keep myself distracted. Last Christmas Eve I took my daughter to the 4 o’clock Mass and remember how long and lonely the late hours of Christmas Eve were. I was at “Midnight Mass” for a distraction.
Don’t feel bad. These ebbs and flows of joy and grief are a part of life.
But I am grateful for the following:
- The memories I had with Bryon.
- The memories I am making with my daughter.
- The fact that the sadness I feel right now is nowhere near as raw as the sadness I felt at this time three years ago.
- The hope for the future.
- Those who continue to give love and support to my daughter and me.
What are you grateful for this week?