I belong to a few widow(er) facebook groups and it comes up periodically that the “On This Day” feature on facebook is a minefield full of triggers. The triggers aren’t just reminders of illness and death. The triggers are also the happy memories because you are reminded of the life that you are missing.
Some days I didn’t talk much throughout my history on facebook. But some days are chock full of memories.
On this day in 2009, I was attending the Midcoast Maine Young Republican Meeting.
On this day in 2010, I was having a bad day at work and wanted to go home and drink. Considering I was working in the ER, that sounds about right.
On this day in 2011, I was out of work for the weekend and I had a hot date. Of course someone commented and asked what Bryon was doing that night.
On this day in 2012, I was at a Bruce Springsteen Concert at the Times Union Center with Bryon. I also was pissed that the Red Sox blew a 9-0 lead and I wanted Terry Francona back.
On this day in 2013, I hated Windows 8. I still do.
On this day in 2014, I was wishing all Boston Marathon Runners Good Luck.
I apparently wasn’t doing anything on this day in 2015.
On this day in 2016, I had my first glimmer of hope. I remember writing that facebook status and feeling relieved. We were finally on the road to recovery. I remember being told that he would probably be in the ICU for another month or so and then he would go to rehab for a couple months.
But we now know that that road would never lead Bryon to recovery. It’s like I can feel all the emotions I felt waiting for that road to recovery at the same time; the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the hopefulness, the desperation. However, it is also mixed with the grief and emptiness I feel every day from Bryon’s death.
Those memories are always going to be there whether they are on Facebook or in my memory. I can’t un-live it. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. And I don’t want to forget my memories with Bryon. We had too many good times. I can only hope that as time passes, I can think about these memories without crying and being overcome with sadness. I want to be able to look back and smile.
I must move forward and try to fill my future with happier memories with my daughter and my family and friends.