Farewell 2018: Leaving the negativity behind

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2016 was the worst year of my life.

It will always be.

Only one thing could happen to me that could top that but I am not going to entertain that thought.

2017 was a fog.  I was surviving.

2018 was the year that I need to stop surviving and start to live again.

When 2018 started, I had a feeling that things were going to be very different by the end of the year.

I was right.

(Funny how that happens…)

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Was 2018 a bad year for me?

Yes and no.

There was a lot of death.  I lost my grandmother and two friends.

The year was full of hard lessons.

I had to learn that people and things are not always what they purport themselves to be.

I had to learn that I need to look for internal rewards and not to look externally.

I had to learn to release and let go.

I had to learn to live again and make decisions on the direction of my life.

I had shit thrown at me.

But I survived it.  And I am smarter for it.

I learned what was really important.

Seriously, I am 40-year-old woman, who has been to Hell and back and I have a small child dependent on me.  It was time for me to focus on what was important.

Last year I didn’t write much in December.  I was beginning to think this year was going to be the same.  However, I think over the next couple of weeks, as part of the releasing process, I am going to write posts about what I am leaving behind in 2018.

Kind of like a farewell rock tour but less cooler.  A lot less cooler.

I am going to take all the negativity that was thrown my way, put it on an imaginary Viking funeral Ship, light it on fire (again, imaginary.  I don’t want to blamed for starting any fires.) and send it off.

If you have anything you need to release before we begin 2019, I invite you to put them on the imaginary Viking funeral ship.

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Forgiveness

I used to always love to play the SIMS.  It was a computer game where you create simulated people (hence SIMS) and you lived their computer generated reality.  You would make them do different actions.  My favorite thing was created a SIM for various people I know and then laugh at their weird social awkwardness that only a computer simulated person would have and imaging the real human counterparts doing that.  (I.e. “There’s is no way So-and-So would have walked in on me in the bathroom, haha”)  When SIMS interact with each other, a green plus sign or a red negative sign is displayed above the SIMS head.  The green plus sign denotes a positive interaction between SIMS and the red negative sign denotes an interaction gone bad.  Sometimes interactions would be so good or so bad that double plus signs or negative signs show up.

Why am I talking about a silly computer game that I haven’t played in years?  It’s because I have been thinking a lot about human interactions and the positive and negative energy that surrounds those actions.

I like to spend time around people who provide me with warm and fuzzy feelings and lots of positive experiences.  Lots of green plus signs floating around.  Lots of laughter, support and happiness.  I like being around these people.  Usually the positive experiences multiply and the more positive experiences I have, the better I feel.

But what do you do when you have to be around people that are full of negative energy?

The people who shame others to make up for some insecurity that they are feelings?

The people who don’t respect your need for space?

The people who make backhanded compliments so they can insult someone but in a way that the person receiving that insult can’t fight back?

The people who can’t own it when they have wronged people and never apologizes for their wrongdoing?

The people who play victim when you call them out on their behavior?

The people who use you?

Negative energy has always affected me.  I seem to absorb it.  I always let negative comments bother me and then I obsess about them.  I begin to get anxious when anticipating the presence of these people.

I am not calling out specific people.  Even if those people are reading this, they will never own their behaviors or ever apologize.  But all this negative energy is affecting me and it has to go somewhere.  I don’t want it anymore.  It has to be someone else’s burden because I don’t want it to be my burden anymore.  I can’t let it be my burden anymore.   I have had enough happen to me and I still have enough to deal so I am giving the negative energy back.

I have always had a hard time forgiving people because I always equated forgiving with forgetting.  Also, many of the people who wronged me are narcissists who won’t ever own up to the fact that they wronged me and/or the people that I care about.  I always equated forgiving these people as giving them the free pass that they thought they deserved.  What I never understood is that even if they took my act of forgiveness as a free pass, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t do it.  They still did it and even though they may not own up to it, they win because they are living their oblivious false life and I am left wounded and hurt.  If anything, they are cowards because they can’t own up to their own actions.  They should be pitied.

So I am going to attempt to release the negative energy.  I am no longer going to own it.

I am going to forgive people who screwed me over in my political days.  I have faith you learned your lesson because I know I screwed over a few people in my day and I have learned my lesson.  If you haven’t learned your lesson, then I pity you for your lack of character and your lack of wisdom.

I forgive the people who cut me off in traffic and I hope you can forgive me for giving you a certain hand gesture.

I am going to forgive the person who acted like she was my best friend but would drop me whenever a guy came along.  I also forgive this person for not reaching out when Bryon died.  I pity you for your self-centeredness and lack of empathy.

I forgive the people who don’t apologize and try to wait out a person’s anger before finding a way to angle themselves back into my life.  I pity your cowardice.  And remember, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting and I am not going to allow anyone to treat me this way again.  I may forgive you but I don’t have to you let back into my life.

I forgive anyone who has ever used me.  Overall, I do have had a good life so far but I worked hard and made good life choices and surrounded myself with other people who also worked hard and made good life choices.   I may have even given you advice as to how to attain those goals yourself but I guess it was just easier to use me.  I pity you for your laziness.

I forgive anyone who underestimated my intelligence and think they can wrong me without me knowing.  Surprise!  I am a lot smarter than most people know.  I pity your arrogance.

I forgive anyone who has ever bullied me through the years.  Luckily Bryon has taught me how to identify when it was happening to me.

I forgive the person who made rude comments about my daughter.  You must feel bad about yourself if you have to tear down a two-year-old.  It’s my goal to raise her to have compassion and to have enough confidence in herself that she doesn’t to tear people down, especially not those who are weaker than her.

I forgive the people who criticize my parenting.  I am sure you are the perfect parent but we can’t all parent like you.

I forgive anyone who has spread lies about me.  You spread lies about me because you need to blame someone for your own behavior.

I forgive anyone who has believed lies spread about me.  I forgive you for not asking me for my side of the story before making a judgement.  I forgive you for making me defend my character.  I forgive you for taking things at face value and not searching for the truth.

I forgive the people who weren’t there for Bryon that should have been there for Bryon.  I forgive the people who also weren’t there for our daughter who should have been there for our daughter.  He was fighting for his life and our daughter wasn’t even 2 yet, but I understand that your needs were more important than theirs.

I forgive those people who had no regard to what I was going through when Bryon has in the ICU. I forgive the people who thought their needs came above my own which were already pretty low on the list begin with.  After all, I was busy advocating for my critically ill husband in the ICU and making sure my toddler was taken care of and happy.  I pity you for thinking that the world revolves around you.

I forgive those people who not present when Bryon died that should have been.  I pity you that you put yourself above him and made excuses.  You are going to have to live with that choice for the rest of your life.

And lastly, I forgive myself.  I forgive myself for absorbing the negativity that wasn’t mine.  I forgive myself for not releasing that negativity and letting it affect the positive, supportive relationships that I have.  I forgive myself for letting people bully me, use me and treat me poorly.   From now on, I will remind myself that negative people are the ones with a problem, not me.

The negativity is no longer mine.  It’s not my problem anymore.  I refuse to own the negativity.  It needs to find a new home.  I am going to stick to the people who give me green plus signs.