The Fourth Year

It hardly seems possible.

Another trip around the sun since you’ve left this Earth.

It’s been…a year.

A crazy year.

I don’t think 2016 Bryon could even comprehend this year.

You’d be like the 1996 Ice Man.

I am past the disbelief of your absence. I am in more of a “it is what it is” mindset.

But I can’t help but feel that there are some parallels to when you left and now.

When you left, we were in the midst of a crazy presidential election, the likes we had never seen before and now, we are in the midst of a crazy presidential election, the likes we had never seen before.

I can’t turn on the TV or scroll Twitter (yes…I tweet now. Imagine that?) without hearing about potential election fraud and mass mail in voting. I try not to go down the “What if” rabbit hole but I often wonder what you would think.

I don’t think I can convey how much I’d love to have a conversation with you about this. But even if I were granted that conversation, the conversation would never be long enough.

Since I am not really talking to you and this is really only an entry in my blog that few people read, people are probably wondering why I am talking about politics on your deathaversary blog post.

But it is what is flowing and I can’t stop the flow.

I mean, we met because of politics.

Politics is intertwined with our story.

We met for the first time in 2006 but it was the time we met again in 2008 that mattered.

We had kept our budding romance a secret because we didn’t want it to be the topic of gossip within the political organization we belonged to.

We decided to meet in Boston over Labor Day Weekend because it was between Maine and New York. We were going to meet up on Friday, which was the day between our birthdays. (Yours was Thursday, Mine was Saturday).

I had called you on Thursday night to say goodnight. You had been out celebrating and you told me that I was old like John McCain and you were young and hot like Sarah Palin.

Yet, I still went to Boston the next day.

I had fun on my birthday, recounting that story to you because…surprise…you did not remember.

You cringed.

I laughed.

You made it up to me but taking to see the Sox play at Fenway.

Though let’s be honest…you wanted to go to Fenway as much as I did.

But despite the fact that I am hearing so much about (potential) election fraud, I can’t help but think about how it was your dream to work on a presidential campaign as an attorney. I know without a doubt that if you were still alive, this would have been the year that dream was realized.

But, again, I try not to go down that rabbit hole.

I need to focus on what is in front of me and I can’t dwell on all of your dreams that were never realized.

I don’t mean that to be a bitch. But you are gone and I need to live my life for me.

I also don’t want to accidentally project your dreams onto your daughter because she might internalize them. She needs to live her life and have her own dreams.

I do get sad when I think about your unrealized dreams.

Though a good friend of mine recently remarked that you and I did more in our short time together than some couples do over a lifetime.

I think we did the best with what time we had.

As Whitney Houston said “Didn’t we almost have it all?”

The ride with you was worth the fall, my friend and a moment in the soul does last forever and I’ll never love that way again.

Nothing can take away what we had over those eight years.

After you died, I was bombarded with projections of what people thought our relationship was. I felt like I had to live up to those projections.

But now I don’t feel the need to do that. Our relationship was ours. The good and bad.

The exciting stuff like vacations.

Even the things that only we thought was exciting like watching the Ontario Provincial Elections on Canadian C-Span or gush over the BBC Infographics during the British Elections.

I don’t think I will ever meet anyone who would want to watch Canadian elections with me. Or, more importantly, I don’t I will find anyone that will know how to access the Canadian C-Span feed and have it play on the TV.

A good friend of mine teases me about the fact that I tend to measure periods of time by presidential administrations. But my life seems to follow a pattern. The Clinton years were my school years (high school and college). The Bush (43) years were my early adult and political years. And the Obama years were my Bryon years. And while I make zero political predictions in this blog because this is a grief blog, so far my Trump years have been my widow years.

I do feel about to turn a corner.

I remember when I was sad.

Like, sad all the time.

Like, so sad I cried for hours at a time.

I remember playing my “sad songs” list on spotify and just crying. Nothing like sobbing on the bathroom floor while playing “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday.”

And I need to put it here because you like Boyz II Men.

I remember when my life felt like it was over and I was just going through the motions. I felt like I was dead inside and the sadness would never end.

And while I am sad while writing this, I know that the sadness this sadness is temporary. I no longer feel dead in side.

It took me a long time to get here but I am happy again.

And while I never thought I would have the mental capacity to even think about politics again, it’s back. That’s a good sign, right? Hello old friend.

I have accepted that some wounds never heal and your death will be one of those wounds for me.

It is what it is.

3 thoughts on “The Fourth Year

  1. I have been following your blog for a few years (from Ontario btw) ; since before my husband passed away- about midway through my husbands stage four cancer. I have to say thank you for sharing your journey. I have joined some online widow support groups (kind of whats left now with covid here) but I admit while they help, they’re not always that helpful. No one there gives the impression that it really gets better. It has been almost 9 months for me. I can say that it has improved, but I have that “dead inside”, “nothing matters”, feeling that I wondered about. You have given me some hope.

    Ps. There is always CBC (which you can stream) for Canadian elections!!! We don’t watch C-span either, lol.
    The conservative leadership race is this weekend. They announce the new conservative party leader tomorrow.

    Like

  2. I had to laugh. I never met my cousin, Roland. I have become close to one of his seven children on Facebook, Jennifer. She and I stayed up watching the Brexit results roll in – and celebrating it’s outcome. I do define myself as a British hybrid (English, Welch, Scottish, and Irish) and my Ancestry.com DNA results confirm it: 92%

    I also watched the Steven Harper election results . . . Canada, though, for reasons I won’t explain here, is near and dear to my heart.

    Like

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