Clear eyes and a full heart

Yesterday I got new glasses.

When I put on these glasses, I realized that they represented a lot more to me than I expected.

I first got glasses in high school. I was told I needed them for reading. Sometime between high school and college, I lost them and I never worried about it.

Since I like to measure time by presidential administrations, this was during the end of the Clinton administration.

My eyesight never seemed to be a real issue and I didn’t worry about it.

Sometime after my daughter was born (during the late Obama administration), I noticed my vision wasn’t what it used to be. Bryon showed concern and encouraged me to make an appointment with his eye doctor.

I made the appointment with Bryon’s eye doctor. His eye doctor was very nice. I liked him. And I got the glasses that I needed.

I even went to see him when I was sent home for work for conjunctivitis. My work did not require me to see an outside optometrist but Bryon thought it would be a good idea. Turns out I didn’t have conjunctivitis. I just had dry, red eyes that can happen to nursing mothers due to hormonal changes. He gave me some drops.

After Bryon died, I got the notice in the mail that I was due to an eye exam. But I couldn’t make the appointment.

Bryon had been a patient of this eye doctor since he was seven.

I didn’t know if his eye doctor even knew that Bryon died. Bryon’s death had been in the newspapers but I had no clue if he knew and I didn’t want to be the one to have to tell him.

I could handle talking to people that knew Bryon and knew he died and I could talk about Bryon’s death to people who didn’t know him at all. But I couldn’t be the person to tell someone who had known Bryon since he was a kid that he had died.

Besides, it would be hard to do an eye exam if I was messy crying.

So I avoided the eye doctor.

I threw that notice into a pile of papers that I called “shit I will deal with later”.

Things were fine.

And then I lost my glasses and I did not have a spare.

I tried not to worry about them.

I adapted. At least I thought I did.

But I knew the truth.

I knew I couldn’t put it off.

I am 40 and my eyes are not what they used to be.

For a long time after Bryon’s death, I bounced between the state of existing and the state of surviving.

But it’s time for me to start taking care of myself.

So I went to a different eye doctor.

And now I have my glasses.

My daughter approved of them because they are pink.

And now things are clearer.

Maybe a little too clear.

I recently watched an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where the family convinced Marie Barone that she needed glasses. Then she got glasses and she could see so well that she pointed out every physical flaw everyone had.

Well I looked in the mirror and I noticed every tiny flaw on my face.

I think I need a chemical peel. Or, like, 12 chemical peels.

At least a facial.

But now that I am seeing 20/20 again, I realized that this is symbolic of my life. As a transition to the next chapter of my life, things are just so much more clearer now.

Of course, some of that might be the fact that I have spent the last 3 years in deep thought and reflection.

Either way, I am seeing things for what they are.

The “blurriness” of my life has cleared up as I processed what had happened in my life, as I learned to cope with the events, as I realized how I let others projections and attitudes affect me and as I learn how to how I respond to all of these factors.

Now it’s time to look toward the future with a clear vision.

It feels fitting to end this blog post with a quote from one of Bryon’s favorite fictional characters, Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights- “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose”.

8 thoughts on “Clear eyes and a full heart

  1. Thank you for sharing. Excellent idea for someone dealing with the same issue – find a different professional.

    My father had cataract surgery just before the 1998 ice storm. It wasn’t successful; therefore, the other eye was never done. He died in 2001.
    Now it’s mom’s turn. However, she only has one good eye as she always said she was born with a cataract on her left eye. If hers was unsuccessful, she wouldn’t have any vision at all. And, until shortly before she died, she completed the daily crossword in the Bangor Daily and read the Bible.
    She saw her eye MD in the summer of 2007 and turned down the surgery again. He got serious and firm about next year, which she found amusing (but didn’t tell him). She was dying of cancer and knew she wouldn’t be there next year . . . and she was correct.

    Kerry, I only have a small clue as to what you go through in your third year. Know this: I pray for both you and Maddie every time I think of you. I love you. I also can’t believe you are nearly 40 . . .


  2. Use your glasses to see, except when you’re being hard on yourself. Maybe you don’t need to see a wrinkle or two…..personally, I block the magnifying side of my makeup mirror….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dude that is HUGE. I’m so stoked for you, not only because you can see but because you engaged in that very necessary self-care. (Also, The Ordinary makes an AHA peel that’s the bomb. If you’re serious about the skincare thing. 😂 )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw thank you ❤❤❤ I didn’t realize how much I have neglected yourself.

      I have tried The Ordinary! Don’t they sell it at Sephora? I heard about their coffee under-eye cream and was intrigued.


      1. It’s at Sephora but cheaper from their website I think? The caffeine under eye serum is amazing, I use it every day and definitely notice when I don’t. Still need an eye cream over it though.

        It’s funny how we get into patterns with neglecting ourselves, isn’t it? But, well, sometimes we prioritize other forms of self-care and don’t have the energy for the stuff that might seem most basic. That’s the case for me, anyway. When I do laundry or take out the trash it’s a pretty big deal, TBH.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for the eye cream tips. At 40, my skin is.. lacking lol

        I have heard that there is a link to how we feel on the inside and how we treat ourselves. I can see that because I have suffered from low self esteem my whole life. I am just now realizing that I am worth it.

        Laundry and trash…ugh.


      3. I am glad that we are finally catching on to the mind fuckery. We are all good enough! Sometimes I feel like our society as a whole is trying to keep us down- we’re not thin enough, we aren’t tall enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc. If it were up to society, we don’t stand a chance.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s