Like, seriously, what did I ever do to Him? Or Her?
(Sorry, that was the Catholic worldview I was raised with coming through).
Anyone who says, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” has lived an easy life.
Often, I wonder where I went wrong? What did I do to piss off the big guy upstairs?
(Sorry, that Catholic worldview coming through again. I don’t know the female equivalent to “big guy”. “Big girl” seems rude.)
I was thinking about this and I posed the question to Kimmy Gibbler on a phone call. She promptly told me it was because I did not like ketchup on my hot dogs. I immediately corrected her and told her that that is disgusting. Ketchup is the condiment of the devil. Heck, it’s even red. Isn’t the devil supposed to be red?
Kimmy said she appreciates the strength in my conviction. I don’t back down.
Then she told me that God hates me because I root for the New England Patriots.
I told her that couldn’t be it because God must love them since they win so much.
Even SNL Jesus said that while he is the son of God, Tom Brady has got to be the nephew of God.
Is it because I roll my eyes when people tell me that God doesn’t hate me?
Is it because I secretly (or not so secretly) love 1990’s boy bands?
Is it because I watch too much trash TV on TLC?
Is it because I voted for George W. Bush not just once but twice? (I am not sorry for that).
Is it because I was a smug Catholic all those years?
Is it because I don’t find Amy Schumer funny?
Is it because I am impatient AF?
Is it because I am a cover hog in bed?
Is it because I drive a Subaru?
Is it because of that one time, in 2003 or 2004, that I forgot to leave a tip at the Steak and Shake in Florida? I felt horrible when I realized…
Is it because of all those times I fought with my brother as to who gets the “gold spoon” whenever we ate ice cream at Nana and Papa’s house?
Is it because I am can be prideful and stand-offish?
Is it because I expect an apology whenever I am wronged?
Is it because I bite my nails when stressed out?
Is it because I cuss a lot?
Is it because my car is a mess? Because my house is a mess? Because my life is a mess?
Is it because I got a D in Chemistry in high school? I mean, I still got into college…
Is it because I like to be right and I have no problem saying “I told you so”?
Is it because I sometimes forget my reusable shopping bags? Or that I forget to turn the lights off when I leave the room?
Is it because that one time when I was 14 and my friends and I went to see Aladdin the theater and the ticket guy charged me $2.50 because he thought I was under 12 instead of the $4.00 adult price?
I try to be a good person. I vote and I like to think I am a productive member of American society.
I just don’t know what I deserved to have all this happen…