Sometimes I feel invisible.
Despite pouring my heart out over 165 posts and approx 165,000 words, I feel like no one sees the real me.
They just see Bryon’s widow.
It might be hard to imagine, but I am a complete person. Bryon saw me a complete, real person.
I told a really good friend of mine (and Bryon’s when he was alive) that I had a nagging feeling that some people only read my blog because they wanted about happened with Bryon.
As if because I have chosen to share the parts of the story that I feel comfortable about sharing that that someone entitles everyone to the complete story.
I have not told the complete story. I will tell it when I am ready to tell it.
Yes, I am aware that I have chosen to share my story on a very public forum. I did that so other widows, grievers and anyone else struggling with the cruelties of life can be helped by reading about my healing process.
I put my story out there so people can feel a little less alone.
If one widow feels a little less alone, then it was worth it.
Just because I share my story does not mean that I give up the right to keep private what I wish to keep private.
I share what I feel like sharing, when I feel like sharing it.
No one is entitled to more.
When I shared these feeling with my close friend, she wisely said that she thinks that people forget that I am not just Bryon’s widow, but that I am my own complete person.
I am not just a widow.
I am a complete person.
I understand that life circumstances have made me a widow and since I have to be a widow, I am glad that I get to be Bryon’s widow. He was a great man and I got to be his wife. And I loved being his wife.
Life made me a widow and I am glad I get to be Bryon’s widow.
I have accepted that.
But I am more than just a widow.
I am a complete person.
Bryon died and I had no say in that. Even though I tried to prevent it. I will always think about those 5 months. I will always think about the “what ifs” and I will always be haunted by the dreams of what could have been.
That is a lot of live with.
I have been punished enough.
You are going to have to trust me on that.
Now I am in my 30s and I am expected to resign myself to wear a black veil and mourn for the rest of my life.
It doesn’t matter that I am a complete person and I still have decades more living to do.
I am tired of being viewed as just Bryon’s widow.
It’s bad enough actually being a widow.
I find myself in a place where I can’t move forward because everyone views me as just a widow.
Very few people understand.
Acknowledging that I am a complete person and I deserve to move forward from my husband’s death makes people uncomfortable.
My reality makes people uncomfortable.
The reality that I live with every single day makes people uncomfortable.
So I need to keep being “just a widow” to keep people happy.
Too bad it doesn’t work that way.
When Bryon was alive, he was very popular and well-liked. He was an amazing man. He was the center of my world.
And I lived in his shadow. But that was okay because I knew I was the center of his world. And that was all that matters.
But now he is dead.
And I live in the shadow of a dead man.