Today I had the honor to write a guest post on Mohamad’s Around the World series. It was a lot of fun to write about New York’s Capital District. You can check it out here.
And if you are visiting here from Mohamad’s blog, I just want to say welcome and I hope you stay awhile!
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Bryon has been gone for nine months. The world is moving on without him and each day the world moves on, I feel a little bit more alone in my grief. Widowhood is emotionally lonely even if you aren’t physically lonely.
I barely noticed Spring and Summer last year because I was sitting in the ICU with him. This year I am determined to enjoy Spring and Summer but when I sit on the front deck with our daughter, his absence is pronounced.
I miss him when I see other couples. I am no longer whole. He was my other half and he has been ripped away along with my dreams and my future. I don’t know why everyone else gets to be happy except me.
I work so hard at trying to stay positive and strong. I know it’s what he would have wanted. But sometimes I have to pretend I am positive and strong. It’s what people have come to expect and I feel like they don’t want to know the truth. And it can be exhausting.
No matter how much people try to understand, there is always some level of disconnect. People don’t understand how something as simple as a song can trigger sadness.
Sometimes I get tired of having to explain why certain things make me sad.
Sometimes I wish people would let me just be sad without making suggestions on how to fix my sad mood. My husband is dead. Why can’t I just be sad? I’ve accepted that my sadness is now a part of who I am and why can’t people just accept that it is a part of me now?
I get tired of having to listen to platitudes and insensitive remarks. I know people mean well but sometimes I get tired of the fact that it gets put on me that I have to accept that this is just how people are. Why can’t it be other peoples responsibility to think before they speak and be a little bit more sensitive? Is it really that hard? Or am I really just expecting too much?
People seem to only like to hear about my grief when it’s empowering and inspiring. The negative emotions of my grief make people uncomfortable and I get tired of feeling like I have to apologize for my emotions. I envy those people because I wish I lived in a world where talk about grief makes me uncomfortable and I can avoid it. I can’t avoid grief. It’s my life.
I hate the fact that some days, I am almost used to Bryon being gone. Each day that passes, he slips a little further away.