Bring a widowed, single mother has been fun but I am ready for my old life back.

Lately my two-year-daughter has been struggling with transitions.  Each morning we go about our morning routine but getting her out the door has been a struggle.  She wants to stay home and play with her toys and watch Disney Jr.  Then when I pick her up from school, she doesn’t want to leave.  She wants to stay and play with the toys and stay with her friends.  This might just be normal behavior but it’s frustrating for me.  I am tired.  I no longer have Bryon to tag-team with.  It’s just me.  I don’t have Bryon to take a turn if I am feeling frustrated.  I also wish Bryon were still here so I can have a break when I need it without feeling like I am an inconvenience to people.

Bryon always seemed to make sure everything got done.  He made sure the bills were paid.  He made sure all the maintenance on our house and cars was up to date.  He made sure all paperwork was done because he loved to do paperwork.  When I had to fill out my FMLA paperwork when he got sick, I remember saying to friends that I hadn’t had to fill out paperwork in 7 years.  I wasn’t joking.

Sometimes I think all I did was change diapers, did laundry (which I never kept up with it) and make sure there was milk in the fridge.  Now I am trying to figure all these things out.  Luckily he bequeathed me many friends with strengths in many areas and I do have a lot of people looking out for me and my daughter but it can still be overwhelming.  Before Bryon got sick, I remember being worried and stressed all the time.  Bryon used to tell me that I looked for things to worry about because I liked to worry.  I wish I could go back to the older version of myself and tell her that she had it easy and to quit worrying.  I guess when you survive a crisis, it puts things into perspective.

Some days I am busy and I am distracted enough that I don’t need to think about being a widowed mother.  Unfortunately most days it is still all too clear the emptiness I feel.  Before Bryon got sick, he would regularly be in touch with me throughout the day whether it was to figure out what we were going to do for dinner, making plans if there were evening events or sometimes just to tell me a joke.  Now my days at work are long without him checking in.   We used to spend our evenings talking about our days and now I don’t have him to talk about my day.  We used to watch TV and now I watch our shows and I miss talking to him about them.

Sometimes I wonder if this is some sort of punishment for not being a good wife and mother.  This is some sort of lesson because I took Bryon for granted.  Every night I lie in an empty bed and I remember all those times I got mad at him for hogging my side of the bed. He would tell me that I hogged his side of the bed and I told him that was impossible because I was on the edge of the bed.  He claimed that he was on the edge of the bed.  I think about all those times where he wanted to cuddle and I would get annoyed because I just wanted to sleep.  I think about our nightly arguments because he liked to sleep with the TV on and I wanted silence.  Now I lie in an empty bed at night thinking about how much I miss cuddling and I would gladly sleep on the edge of the bed with the TV on just to feel his warm body next to me.

I wish I had my old life back so I can stop pretending I am okay.  

I wish I had my old life back because it would mean that I wouldn’t have to feel the sadness and pain I feel every day.

I wish I had my old life back because I am tired of feeling like I am going through the motions.

I wish my old life back because I want to feel alive again.

I just want my old life back.   But I am never going to get my old life back.