Nine months

Published on by kerrymckim

Today I had the honor to write a guest post on Mohamad’s Around the World series. It was a lot of fun to write about New York’s Capital District.  You can check it out here.  

And if you are visiting here from Mohamad’s blog, I just want to say welcome and I hope you stay awhile!

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Bryon has been gone for nine months. The world is moving on without him and each day the world moves on, I feel a little bit more alone in my grief.  Widowhood is emotionally lonely even if you aren’t physically lonely.

I barely noticed Spring and Summer last year because I was sitting in the ICU with him. This year I am determined to enjoy Spring and Summer but when I sit on the front deck with our daughter, his absence is pronounced.

I miss him when I see other couples.  I am no longer whole. He was my other half and he has been ripped away along with my dreams and my future.  I don’t know why everyone else gets to be happy except me.

I work so hard at trying to stay positive and strong.  I know it’s what he would have wanted.  But sometimes I have to pretend I am positive and strong.  It’s what people have come to expect and I feel like they don’t want to know the truth.  And it can be exhausting.

No matter how much people try to understand, there is always some level of disconnect. People don’t understand how something as simple as a song can trigger sadness.

Sometimes I get tired of having to explain why certain things make me sad.

Sometimes I wish people would let me just be sad without making suggestions on how to fix my sad mood.  My husband is dead.  Why can’t I just be sad?  I’ve accepted that my sadness is now a part of who I am and why can’t people just accept that it is a part of me now?

I get tired of having to listen to platitudes and insensitive remarks.  I know people mean well but sometimes I get tired of the fact that it gets put on me that I have to accept that this is just how people are.  Why can’t it be other peoples responsibility to think before they speak and be a little bit more sensitive?  Is it really that hard?  Or am I really just expecting too much?

People seem to only like to hear about my grief when it’s empowering and inspiring.  The negative emotions of my grief make people uncomfortable and I get tired of feeling like I have to apologize for my emotions.  I envy those people because I wish I lived in a world where talk about grief makes me uncomfortable and I can avoid it.  I can’t avoid grief.  It’s my life.

I hate the fact that some days, I am almost used to Bryon being gone.  Each day that passes, he slips a little further away.   

10 thoughts on “Nine months”

  3. Hi Mo Doyle here and I’ve just started to follow you.
    I just read your blog on grief and it is very moving.
    I myself am divorced and now comfortable admitting I’m lesbian.
    I’m also not a part of a couple and it can be lonely at times.
    I’ve 2 wonderful children and a granddaughter 4 years old.
    My mam passed away on January 6th last holding my hand as the last breath released from her body and she departed this world as we know it.
    I felt privileged to be by her side for her final moment.
    Grief is something we will all, no matter who we are, will experience sometime in our lifetime and yes at times it’s unbearable.
    Thoughts are with you.
    I’ve written a blog this morning and at the end there are a few quotes on courage.
    Have a peep
    Cheers Mo X
    http://tarfbp.wordpress.com

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      1. Feel in tune with you. Life was hard for me in many ways suffering mental health problems, that I’ve now recovered from.
        Life is a process of moving forward at the time.
        Thanks kerrymckim.
        Are you Irish?
        Mo Doyle

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      2. I am happy to hear you have recovered 🙂

        I am Irish. Well, Irish-American. My maiden name was Sullivan. I had 3 Irish grandparents so I am 3/4 Irish (we can’t all be perfect right?”)

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  5. You are beautiful, you have a gift.Take the time to think of your new hobby, your new life and fly.Take this opportunity to strengthen because you are strong enough to fly.This is your time to shine and you can do it.Get your inner power, find yourself again, A divorce is the same as a death. When I found my former self, when I got the confidence to believe that I could do whatever I wanted.The sky was the limit for me, I looked in the mirror, I smiled ear to ear and said out loud, I got my life back.Im sorry for your loss but in order to help yourself you must find your God given gift and shine.

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